Day 183: Confidence or Cockiness? Judging Sexual Prowess

I came across an amusing article today that got me thinking about what we think we know and why we know it. The article was about things people say they do better in the bedroom than anyone else. Now I’m not about to wander down the path of pondering why this article seemed necessary to some editor in the first place, I’m just going to say a quick prayer of thanks for giving me such easy material and move on from there. I do have some questions about who the intended audience of this piece might be, I read it for its satire potential, but I bet there are others out there who actually read it with real interest. This concerns me and also makes me question how I cannot find a decent writing job, but the idiot responsible for this drivel gets a paycheck. Anyway, I digress.

Eight different acts were detailed in the piece. Some I am familiar with, some seemed made up, but that’s not what I find so amusing. Primarily consisting of eight quotes of varying length, this is not so much a story as it is just a list of eight people’s personal preferences in the bedroom. I have to admire the confidence these people exhibit, I mean, we’re all good at something, but to put your technique or specific act out there and claim it is the best is a little pompous. I’m not doubting that any particular couple is not enjoying said talent as much as claimed, but where does the “better than anyone else” part enter into it?

How do we compare skill sets? I make a mean grilled cheese and tomato, but I’m guessing preference is more a matter of personal subjectivity than its actually being better than anyone else’s. When it comes to something as personal as intimacy, how do you even compare? I suppose if you are on the receiving end of a particular act you can compare to past encounters involving the same act, but these quotes were given by the doers, so how can they tell if they are the best? You may think your kissing technique is fantastic, and just because your partner does not complain or tell you otherwise, does not mean it actually is. I once dated a guy for a month who kissed with all wet sloppiness of a bucket of slime, but I never told him it was awful, I just finally dumped him when I couldn’t take it anymore.

There are plenty of skills that we can measure, but I don’t believe intimacy is one of them. Besides that, most of these people were hardly original. I’m sorry Melissa from Portland, but your super secret ice cube trick isn’t so much a secret or a trick. Just because your guy likes it, doesn’t mean you’re a master. Some things are so personal and so much a matter of individual preference that even the concept for an article like this, written in a non-comedic way, is ridiculous and pointless. I think it’s great that these eight people have such supportive partners as to make them feel ultra confident in their abilities, but what about those susceptible readers who think this is some sort of handbook? Not everybody likes to have their lips licked before a kiss, Chris from Chicago, and now someone else is going to have to tolerate that because of you.