Day 229: Vacationing Can be Hard Work

I am thinking about vacations. I am also thinking I don’t have a steady gig or money, so maybe a vacation is a bad idea, but that’s never stopped me before. Vacations are wonderful obviously, but there is also a lot of pressure when I plan a getaway. Lots of people just go to the same place over and over, but I know there’s a big world out there and I want to see as much of it as possible. In a global society is it even ethical to stay in your little bubble and never challenge yourself to experience other cultures?

I know what people will say to this, vacation is about doing what you want, having fun and relaxing not seeking an educational experience. Why can’t we do both? I admit it’s not exactly like I have never vacationed at a resort, oblivious to the rest of the world, but I do feel guilty about it. That counts, right? Every time we do the resort thing I hate myself for not throwing any tourist dollars to the actual community and for isolating ourselves instead of hitting the town and interacting with the locals. The battle is constantly raging internally between visiting an interesting an culturally foreign destination and simply selling out for a beach, swim-up bar and no language barrier.

I have vacationed in Southeast Asia, Spain, England, Italy, Canada and many Caribbean islands. I have also been lost and hungry in Southeast Asia, Spain and Italy. Sometimes the culture or language barrier creates undesirable effects, but in some ways it’s still worth it. I ate things I never would have purposely ordered in places I never would have chosen and those instances became charming travel stories. Resorts do not offer a lot of interesting or different vacation tales, but Disney World does the international village . . . so that’s kind of cultural.

I want to always do the enlightened, cosmopolitan thing, but I can’t help sometimes wanting to follow the easy path. Cocktails shouldn’t be a cultural conundrum I guess, but if we don’t use vacation time to travel the world and see what and who it has to offer than when will we? Maybe the answer is to still hit the beach or resort towns, but to make a concerted effort to venture out beyond the hotel walls and touristy places and find those local joints that offer a little color. Hell, even in Key West we found a local pub catering to fishermen and those looking for authentic conch and conversation. So maybe I will get to do that Disney vacation I secretly long for, but only for a couple nights before heading to some coastal towns with a bit more authentic flavor. All you really need to make learning fun is a cocktail.

Day 228: Etiquette is Not the Same as Sincerity

Etiquette is a tradition some would call a lost art. Like most people, I appreciate a hand written note of thanks or proper attire for an evening out, but I also find that etiquette is often just an artifice that people hide behind. To me, sincerity is far more important than Emily Post. Etiquette follows an obligatory model of behavior and there are few things I dislike more than people who do things for me out of obligation.

In many ways we use a formalized code of behavior to help us know what is correct or improper in certain situations. Anyone that has ever enjoyed a meal at a sidewalk café only to be approached by a homeless person for money, knows the exasperation at the perceived breach of protocol. “How dare he come up to us while we’re eating, that is so rude,” you might think. I know I have thought it and I give money or buy food for anyone that approaches me, I’m a sucker like that. Still, my initial reaction is to be annoyed, but if you’re homeless and resorting to begging on the streets is etiquette really your number one concern?

Is it perhaps possible that without the artificial guidelines to proper behavior we might fare better because we’d know where we stand? Would you prefer to not receive a thank you note at all than to get a typed one? What about holiday cards that are pre-imprinted with the family name and mailing labels? Thanks for the card, but it would mean more if you actually spent five seconds to sign it yourself. Etiquette is good to prevent unknowingly slighting someone, but it’s not exactly genuine or heartfelt.

We worry so much about what is right, wrong, should, shouldn’t, etc. that we miss out on the most important thing: what we feel. It’s okay to be a little irritated when someone is hitting you up for change during your meal, but not if you use it to judge the other person. Not everyone subscribes to the same code of conduct and I’m guessing the homeless are probably a little less concerned with that aspect of their behavior. Likewise, send me a holiday card or not, it’s not going to make or break our friendship, but if you do send one at least let me know you put some real thought into it.

Etiquette is responsible for simple, intimate wedding ceremonies suddenly ballooning to hundreds of guests. I mean if Aunt Harriet’s second cousin invited you to hers, then you have to return the favor, right? Do what you feel not what you think you are supposed to. Maybe the world won’t be quite as perfect, but your house might look more like a home with some personal touches, your friendships slightly more genuine with actual sharing and life itself just a bit more pleasant. Etiquette is fine for some things, but it’s not a guide to living for that you need emotion, kindness and effort.

Day 227: Generosity Around the World Does Not Always Equal the Same at Home

The recent devastation in Haiti and the resultant flurry of charity groups got me thinking about how they spring up so quickly and if we give more to foreign causes than those in our own backyard? It seems like when something like the Indonesian tsunami or Haiti earthquake happen we all immediately open our wallets to give and urge our friends and family to give along with us. I remember very clearly organizing donations in the days following the tsunami and ever since the Haiti crisis you can’t get away from organizations, Facebook groups, local news programs and even the checkout at the grocery who are asking for donations. What I don’t remember is the same type of outpouring after domestic situations like Hurricane Katrina.

Granted, the loss of lives from both the tsunami and earthquake are staggering, not to mention the structural damage and homelessness caused by both. We have not experienced anything on the same scale or even close to it in our own nation. The terrorist attacks of 2001 killed thousands of people and destroyed buildings, but compared to nature’s wrath the collateral damage was minor. Katrina killed a great many people and caused extensive damage to homes, businesses and community infrastructure, but the loss of lives was not nearly as devastating. Entire communities were displaced , however, and many did not return, but instead left New Orleans and relocated to another city permanently.

I don’t recall the uprising in sentiment in our nation to give to those people. There was a great deal of resentment and anger at people who chose to stay in their homes rather than to leave as urged by emergency workers. I remember people saying things along the lines that they deserved what they got for not and that taxpayer and emergency funding should not have to be spent to rescue those that were trapped on their roofs or in their homes. Why were we so much harsher to our own citizens than to others around the world? Are we ashamed of the poor in our own nation, but able to muster sympathy for the poor in poverty stricken countries like Haiti?

Perhaps it’s not about socio-economic class, maybe we just assume our own government will take care of their own, but we don’t trust the governments of other nations. That is a slightly better possibility except we saw how poorly our government reacted to Katrina and the abominable treatment the people there received and still we didn’t do all that much. I don’t remember the fundraising and charity like we have now for Haiti. No one at the grocery asked me to donate money to Katrina relief efforts when I paid for my Lucky Charms and tater tots. I’m sure there is some deep anthropological reason behind it that I am not qualified to discern, but all I know right now is that as much as I want to give to help those in Haiti, just as I gave to those after the tsunami, I wish I could go back to Katrina and give a little more. When will we finally help our own with the kindness, acceptance and charity with which we help strangers around the globe? When that day comes we will truly be a great nation.

Day 226: Today, I am Proud to be an American

I think I have been rather vocal about my objection to violence, war and military. Ironic given that I married a career Army man, but through him I have gained great insight into what makes the military tick and though many negative opinions have been reinforced or formed anew (they are seriously bad at planning anything in advance) I am also proud of the positive contributions our armed services make. It’s easy to dislike or disparage something without taking the time to really understand it and before the husband that was where I found myself. Now, I feel more educated and enlightened about the functionality and ideology of the military and while I’m never going to be a fan of some aspects, it is at times when great tragedy strikes such as the Haiti earthquake that I am the most proud.

Despite my objections to the violence we level against other nations and their people I am cognizant that we do not live in a peaceful society and so a strong military presence is necessary. What impresses me, however, is that despite fighting wars on two fronts stretching both our military budget and resources we are now putting tremendous effort into helping Haiti. Less than a day after the devastation and entire Army units are being mobilized to travel to Haiti. At least one Navy ship is currently on its way, I’m sure the Marines are doing something and the Air Force is . . . well, I’m not sure what they do exactly, but let’s keep a positive thought.

Anyway, it is nice for me, as the wife of an Army guy to have something concrete to be proud of. I know many people will say I should be proud because he defends my freedoms, but that argument is lame. He’s not. That war was won a long time ago. When we fight now it is not about our freedom, that is a trite sentiment, but I’ll let the people hold onto it. I am a pacifist, not ever digging the war part, so it is the humanitarian efforts that make me proud. To know that our service members suffer through near intolerable living conditions in locations all around the world just to try to help is honorable. They sign on to this ambiguous body and once they do they do not get to decide where they will be or what they will be doing, be it war or peace and that kind of blind commitment to anything with the overriding hope of doing good is noble and admirable.

Yes, I hate war. I hate that the husband carries weapons when deployed and does live fire training (a great many injuries and some deaths occur during training, not just war) when he is supposedly home safe. What I would hate more, however, is if he never did anything that he thought might help the world. I might see the military as a bit misguided in terms of humanitarianism (it’s not the Peace Corps), but he believes in it and that is enough. We are sending supplies and personnel to Haiti without a second thought. We have the money, power and resources to invade a nation, but also to help one greatly in need and I am just so very grateful that we still remember that. So today I am proud of my husband and all the men and women in military service. What they do can have a positive impact on the world. We cannot erase hundreds of thousands of lost lives, but we can try to make it better for those that survived. I guess I’m proud to be an American after all.

Day 225: Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

I find it disturbing when my positive role models express self-doubt. These uber chipper, positive people can be annoying to be sure, but they also provide the yin to my yang and I find their existence comforting. My schtick has always been that I am a moody, sarcastic, self-deprecating person who accepts that true happiness isn’t for me and life gives you lots of lemons, but so what, suck it up and deal. That persona takes it for granted that there are counterparts out there who are able to look at any situation or hardship and put a positive spin on it – or at the very least, maintain a positive focus. When those people start to doubt their impact or their sunny side up gets scrambled I find myself a little off kilter.

We all need those happy people that don’t see problems, they see new challenges or half full glasses or whatever the hell happy, positive, chipper people see. I feel like we maintain a delicate balance and if the “aren’t Monday’s great” crowd gets off the teeter totter the rest of us have no chance of rising to the top. I take my negativity in stride and try to make it a joke, but what truly keeps me from getting lost in my own self-pity, worry and cynical outlook is the knowledge that those pesky . . . I mean perky people are out there.

What makes someone is normally so up on life’s blessings doubt him or herself? Whatever it is, you need to snap out of it and get back to being cheerful. I need you to provide the positivity I cannot muster on my own. Without it, my funny cynic routine doesn’t work, it just makes me look sad and depressed. I don’t know what specifically might cause the change, but you need to know that you do make a difference and that I need you. Life is about balance and your place in that equation is the reason we all keep looking for the sun to come up the next day.

Day 224: Where Do You Start When Life is Overwhelming?

Ever have that “where do I start” feeling when you have too much to do and no discernible plan? Right now I am overwhelmed just by a quick mental review of all I need to get done and have simmering for the future. Unlike most people, rather than dig in and overachieve when I am facing a daunting list, I actually get daunted and duck back under the blankets to avoid. It’s rather ironic that as a person who is never afraid to face interpersonal conflict and confrontation, I am unable to face a damn “to do” list.

In all fairness, however, it’s not like I’m talking about a wash dishes, do the laundry, pick up dry cleaning list –though all those items are certainly on there as well. No, I have a writing job still to finish, my daily blog, a faltering freelance career to revive, temp jobs to do, application, essay and references to do for grad school and the GRE to study for. Plush, my husband just moved three hours away for work, my best friend dumped me and I’ve gained ten pounds and two new wrinkles. So yes, I’m a little daunted.

This time I know I cannot hide for long. I need to accept the losses I can’t change and work for the goals that are still attainable. Still, it’s a lot of work and a very diversified list. Where do I start except just to dig in and see if I can start to make a dent? With temp jobs, freelance and commuting with the husband I am going to have less time and now I’m taking on grad school to boot. How do normal people do it? I can’t imagine doing all this and taking care of kids, hell, I don’t even want to take care of myself. I didn’t even shower today until after 7pm and my dinner consisted of Cocoa Puffs.

Guess it’s put up or shut up time and while I am a little freaked out about all I have on my plate, I’m also kind of excited. It feels good to have irons in the fire after moving and living in a manner dictated by the husband’s job for the last two years. Now I am putting me first, but not in a selfish or self-pitying way. I am going to make my life better and while I know the road is going to be long, busy and kind of sucky it will also be MY road and I’m looking forward to that.

Day 223: Getting Pissed Off is Underappreciated

It is no great secret that I have a temper. As long ago as the days of diapers I have found ways to communicate my irritation, grumpiness and anger. As a toddler tantrums can be cute and are certainly expected. Childhood and adolescence are partially devoted to emotional outbursts. Young and early adulthood are likewise, no strangers to tantrums and one might even say a 15-22 year-old without them is suspect. Adult visits to tantrum-ville, however, are not as expected, welcome or tolerated.

Pop culture would have us believe that the passionate and fiery woman is very much desired and though a little crazy, perhaps, admired for her wanton display of emotion. Real life is a lot less glamorous. They never show who has to clean up all the broken dishes after the hot-tempered vixen smashes them in her fit of impassioned rage. I learned not to break things at a young age for that very reason. In fact, I have lost a lot of my zeal for angry outbursts as I’ve grown older, but my short fuse remains.

Screaming matches do not work, but I am a skilled debater and will use my sarcastic wit and mean streak to tear an outwitting and outwitted opponent to shreds. Jeff and I rarely fight in your typical argument style, but we do get frustrated with one another, though I am three to four times as likely to lose my patience than he. How do we as adults leave our tempers behind with ill-advised clothing fads and learn to permanently act . . . well, like an adult?

As someone with an admittedly small amount of patience I am often annoyed by the perceived stupidity, inconsideration or social intolerance of others. The factual nature of their transgressions do not matter, whether they are actually in the wrong or not, the issue is my inability to squash my need to let loose with the sarcasm, tell them off or pick a fight (verbal, not physical). I enjoy a good mental joust now and again, but others seem to prefer peace so my naturally hot temperament is left in the cold. I don’t want to be mean, just exercise my “you’re a bloody moron” speech to keep me from getting soft.

There are some days that I miss living in New York City more than others and never more so than when I feel bitchy. People have it wrong about NYers. They are incredibly friendly and will stop to tell you the time, point you to the subway or even instruct you on favorite dinner spots. What they will not do, is to hold a grudge if you’re pissed off and need to express it. In the city it’s okay to lower your shoulder when pushing through a crowd, to flip the bird or to verbally express that same sentiment. In the city you are expected to be moody and verbal because we all know the weak do not survive there. Those that choose to tough it out are rewarded with nonchalance or equally aggressive moodiness when their own need to lash out should surface. No one can give or take a good “fuck off” like a NYer. My temper misses you, my beloved adopted home.