Day 354: Limping Along for Love

I wonder sometimes if I will hold up as a good partner to my husband. Mentally, I’m not worried. Despite my inherent crazy we are both intelligent people with a variety of interests. Emotionally, we’re all kind of fucked up so that’s a wash. What I’m really worried about is my health and my physical ability to be the kind of partner Jeff deserves. I cannot predict the future in general or even my state of mind from minute to minute, but I know that I always want to love this man and be happy and healthy enough to be what we need.

Physically, I’m old. My hands are arthritic and they hurt now almost constantly. The fingers began to gently lean to the sides a decade ago and are now even more pronounced. My neck and back have been chronically plagued with pain and stiffness since I was a teen and that contributes largely to my frequent headaches. I have weak ankles, aching feet and my eyesight’s not getting any better. For all I know, I could be on the path to MS or some other physical disability that limits our active life together.

It’s hell getting old, but it’s worse when you enter into it with physical ailments and limitations already looming over your head well before their time. Jeff is an active man and aside from a few back problems due largely to jumping out of planes for a living, he’s going to want to be active for a long time and if I can’t even grip the reins, how am I going to ride along? I’m not prone to sickness, but my muscular-skeletal system is crap and I know it. It hurts now to type this, sometimes it hurts just doing my hair. It might be a long ugly road, or at least one paved with bad hair days. Damn Jeff and his perfect eyesight!