Day 295: The "A-Ha" Moment and Where to go From There

A few nights ago the husband and I got really, really drunk. This is not altogether unheard of, it’s just that it does not happen often. Usually one of us stays sober or both of us just get mildly happy. Rarely do we find ourselves fall down drunk at the same time, and as we age, it rarely happens alone either. So on this particular night we did what we always do when we’re both extremely inebriated . . . we had a serious discussion. I have no clue what it is about the combination of the two of us and large quantities of alcohol that inevitably lead us to in-depth discussion, but that tends to be the end result.

This particular night we discussed . . . well, I have no idea really what we discussed since we were both hammered and don’t remember a lot of what was said. The one thing we both recall is a moment when he sat straight up in some sort of Oprah-esque “a-ha” moment. It took us a few days to clear away some of the memory fuzz, but when we did we hit upon the cause of this epiphany: I don’t need a hero or a man to save me.

Doesn’t sound like much of a revelation. After all, I’m a 37-year-old woman who has been taking care of myself for a long time, but since I’ve been with Jeff I’ve let some of the hardness go and come to depend on him in a way that was foreign to me in the past. Jeff has seen and heard me at my worst and no one is more aware than him that I’ve been unemployed for two years and totally reliant on his ability to bring home the bacon. Sometimes, I’m not even capable of frying it up in a pan, so I can see where he might have gotten the impression that I need someone to save me.

The pressure this must put on a person is unimaginable to me and it never occurred to me that the husband would not see that my inner strength is always enough to get me through. Like most of us, my life has not been an easy one, but I’ve gotten through pretty much on my own. So I didn’t see it. Six years into the relationship and I didn’t see it until we were both too drunk to stand. This wonderful man who loves me more than his sanity (clearly) has been trying to be my hero and make it all better for me. This is just a part of who he is as a man and I’m sure he’s done it in all his relationships, but I don’t need it or want it, and I told him so.

This is what made him sit up in a moment of clarity and what has had me searching for my own clarity ever since. For the last six years, my husband has been looking for ways not just to make me happy, but to solve my issues formed long before he and I even met. What worries me most is that now that he has accepted the fact that his role in my life is not what he imagined it to be, how will he redefine himself in the relationship? What if he needs to save me? What if that feeling of being the savior is what makes him feel valued? Along those same lines, what if all of us struggle in relationships because we’ve never quite gotten to the heart of what our partner needs or who they think we are?

I know who I am and I guess it never crossed my mind that the husband might be a bit unclear. He does take amazing care of me, as I try to do for him, and all nurturing couples do, but he’s been trying so hard to give me something I don’t want that I wonder what he will fill that place in himself up with now. Perhaps we’re all better off not knowing certain things. Was it so bad for him to think I needed saving? Maybe not, we could all use a little more love and nurturing, but think of the energy he’ll save now. I’m a wreck, I know that, now that he knows it’s not his responsibility to fix the crazy he might have the time and drive to cure cancer, create world peace, or even resolve the healthcare debate. Then again, he should probably just get a second job, cause this self-sufficient girl would really like a few more pairs of shoes.

Day 294: I'm Not Trying to End the World, I Just Like Healthcare

I do not want to write about healthcare reform. Up until today I have resisted, I mean what is left to say? You’re either vehemently opposed or wholeheartedly for it. Then again, maybe you’re against it because you’re worried about the implications to your life or business and not actually against universal healthcare. You could also be for reform, but not in love with the bill as it is written. There are so many shades of gray here and far from the overwhelming majority critics seem to keep asserting exists, more realistic polls have the nays winning over the yeas by more like 2-5 percentage points. That shows me that there are more similarities among us than differences. So why all the hostility?

Are we really facing the end of America as we know it? Does mandating health insurance violate the Constitution? Should your tax implications be more important than your ethical obligation to actual care about other people? Hell, I don’t know, I’m not a wizard here to pluck answers from some cosmic pool of knowledge. What I do know is this: I’m unemployed, we’re not exactly surfing a tide of financial affluence and yet I believe it is still my obligation to help others that may not be able to help themselves. I know that not having health insurance does not mean people do not work or are deadbeats. I know that there are almost as many solutions to healthcare as there are nations and none are perfect.

I think we all want the same thing. We want to live our lives as happily as possible, secure in the knowledge that we will be rewarded for our hard work and that we are not saddled with the welfare of those who do nothing to help themselves. I think most of us believe in charitable works, but how far are we willing to go? It would seem that most people only give when they have extra and in that case we’re not exactly being all that charitable are we? The arguments against socialism are a veiled attempt to disguise our own greed, in my opinion. Think about it, what is so wrong with Socialism? Socialism seeks to even out the distribution of wealth and power that resides with the elite few and make a more level playing field for the rest of us, ensuring that we get a share of the rewards and not just all the work.

It would seem that the working and middle classes are so concerned with hanging onto the tiny bit of the brass ring they’ve earned that they refuse to loosen up for fear that they’ll end up in the gutter. It is not fair as it stands, but for real and meaningful change to happen we are all going to have to take some risks and maybe pay a little more for the greater good. I give money to every homeless person I see not because I believe that spare change is going to change their life, but because I can’t live with myself if I don’t. I know plenty of working poor, my Mother was the working poor and she never accepted a single food stamp or welfare check, but she could have.

In any case, I think the violent outbursts and crisis mode so many objectors have adopted is a little over the top. No one is asking you to single handedly fund healthcare. The government is not going to seize your investments or sell your children to pay for a trailer Mom’s kids to get insurance. There are plenty of things wrong with the bill that just passed, but the intentions are going in the right direction. We funded a trillion dollar war against a phantom enemy and yet providing healthcare is the thing people are getting crazed about? You are free to disagree, that’s another guarantee this country allows you, but the doomsday predictions, threats and outright contempt being shown is completely out of line. Let’s all try to get a little perspective and remember the goal is to help our fellow man so we all live a good and happy life. And if it helps, even Albert Enstein believed socialism was the prudent course. Last time I checked he was smarter than most of us, yes, even Reagan. 

Day 290-293 Weekend Edition: The Hangover, Ame Style

This weekend I did something a little differently with my blog, I decided to skip the daily and do a weekend edition. The idea came to me on Thursday night as I was well into what was sure to be a major hangover-making event. I knew then that I’d not be feeling up to writing and that the evening might lead to an interesting narrative. I should mention first off that I recently went vegan and I have not been drinking more than a glass of wine for several weeks. That evening I enjoyed a side salad, and two vegetable sides. Then I proceeded to drink three glasses of wine, a single malt scotch, two beers and two “girl” shots. Oh yes, it was one of those kinds of nights.

Our friend Mark is one of the husband’s best friends from his college days and someone I love to death. We all three get along and the opportunity to spend a rare evening together since we live in different states spurred me to drive to Fayetteville, NC to hang with two of my favorite men. The plan was dinner at the nicest restaurant in town, which admittedly means it wasn’t a chain, but it actually was quite nice. I intended, as the DD, to have one glass of wine. As we sat and talked over dinner that turned into three in two hours. We moved to the bar area where another friend joined us and I thought it wise to have a scotch. And here is where it took a turn for the crazy. When you get to that point in your inebriation that you no longer need a drink to feel drunk, that is when you will begin to drink without discretion.

Another 90 minutes passed and we decided to hit a real bar. At this point I still have most of my memory and I distinctly recall that it was I who suggested a strip club. The plan was agreed to and the next thing I know, we were driving down strip club lane and in a military town let me assure you there is always at least one road filled with them. We turned into the third one and here is where it gets a little wrong and illegal, because it is at this point that I realize I am driving. I remember them all yelling directions at how to park, but not so much the drive itself. I am a firm believer in NOT driving while drunk so I don’t really know what happened, except that I was stupid and drunk and just getting started.

Once inside we grabbed beers, shots and a private room complete with leather sofas and private illegal video poker machines. None of this was necessary of course, but four drunk people at a strip club are guaranteed only to do the exact opposite of what they should. Two lap dances later, I flashed the table, a college experience I’d never indulged in until now, my 37^th year. No one remembers this except the husband and he is, um, less than thrilled. I also clearly remember that during my second lap dance, my girl started talking about her two kids. Why do strippers do that? I’m not tipping you more out of pity! Stop ruining the fantasy! After that I gave her to the husband and did another girl shot, because alcohol was clearly needed.

We hit the ATM two or three times to take out decent amounts of cash, yet woke up the next day with $15 in our pocket, so it must have been fun. I do know that I did not drive back to out friend’s hotel, I did not call the cab that took us home and I did not get out of bed again for nearly 36 hours. We lost our car, because neither the husband nor I were sober enough to catch the name of the hotel we parked it at. We intended to be in Fayetteville overnight, we ended up being there for two days. We experienced a two-day hangover. Got in a fight and then a great conversation that caused the husband to literally sit up with enlightenment before immediately forgetting what the hell we were talking about. Spent the equivalent of a car payment on a rental car that was due back Friday, but because we didn’t make it back until late Saturday when they were already closed for the weekend we got stuck with four times the original bill.

Altogether I think our “dinner” with a friend cost us nearly $850 and two days of headaches and nausea. We don’t remember most of the night except that it was really, really fun and honestly that makes it all worthwhile. Even so, I think I’m going to add drinking to the list of things I’m going to say no to in copious amounts. 

Day 289: Sometimes a View From the Sidewalk is Just Fine

I took a walk tonight through the neighborhood adjacent to my condo. It is a really beautiful subdivision with lots of long winding well-treed roads and huge homes with massive windows from which light shown out onto their manicured lawns. The homes are way over my price range, but yet not so wealthy as to feel unlived in. These are the types of homes you often find in central Charlotte and it adds to the feeling of charm and community. It also adds questions because in this time of economic crisis when so many Charlotteans worked in banking, which has hit a pretty big bump in the road, how are they still managing to live such an affluent lifestyle when the rest of us struggle? Then I looked closer and realized that maybe they’re not unaffected, maybe they are just like the rest of us.

The economy is still front page news, but it’s no longer a surprise. We’ve become accustomed and almost expectant of stories about unemployment, foreclosures, and families in financial troubles. Still, it’s almost become the new normal. As much as we’d all like it to turn around, I think we have adjusted and learned to live within this new climate. What I still wonder about are those families and people who have neither lost everything nor managed to thrive. What about your neighbors? Who are the people in the middle and what secrets are they hiding?

That’s when I took a closer look at those big houses and I saw cars that had seen better days. Chipping paint, burnt out light bulbs and other signs that things weren’t as good as one might think from first glance. I watched one family leave their back door and get into a station wagon that had to be at least ten years old and had a squealing belt in obvious need of replacement. How do you live in such a nice house and yet have such a crappy car to drive your four kids around in? Could this be a family that is only one paycheck away from foreclosure? Did they live above their means to such an extent that now they are trapped?

Jeff and I don’t carry a lot of debt. We’ve tried to be responsible with credit cards and we always live within our means. I have some old debt I’ve been carrying around for years from the days when life wasn’t so good, but as a couple we’re pretty responsible. While I might long for a day when we too can have that big house with the verandah for evening cocktails and space for large dinner parties, I also like knowing that my scaled down life in a one-bedroom condo means we take vacations and buy what we want. Then again, we’re also lucky in the fact that Jeff is in a recession-proof job. The Army is not likely to experience lay-offs anytime soon.

I don’t know when the economy will get better or when we’ll have one of those big houses, but I do know that it’s not worth it if it means you don’t know that you’ll be able to feed your kids or even have a home should hard times come. I have felt the grip of this recession and with each resume I send out and hear nothing back, I feel it again. For whatever reason I’m just not one of those people that needs things for status. I like nice things, but I’ve been poor. I have been, sell my plasma, CD’s and anything else I had to eat, poor. It’s a scary feeling to not know how you will eat or pay your bills and I don’t ever want that feeling again. So I’ll stay in my little condo and I’ll keep shopping the sale racks and I’ll stay on the sidewalk looking into the lit windows of those big, beautiful homes from the outside. The sidewalk is pretty comfortable after all.

Day 288: This Might be the Worst Ever, but Like You, I Ignore Most of my Good Ideas

Do you ever wonder if you’ve ever had a brilliant thought or idea that could have made you a million dollars as an invention, story, movie or business venture? Our minds are continuously processing information and churning out ideas, but we either don’t acknowledge them or we don’t realize what we have. What if the only thing separating you from whatever tool invented the Swiffer is actually paying attention to yourself?

I did not want to write my blog tonight. I don’t feel like it, I have a headache and I have no new ideas. What sucks, is that I write anywhere from 2-6 blogs a day in my head. I’m constantly finding new ideas and fleshing them out mentally, but then I forget. Once I give birth to an idea and work through it, for some reason rather than retain it, my mind simply checks it off as complete and lets it fade away. As a writer and someone who swears the only things standing between a blockbuster novel and my current life is laziness it pisses me off to realize how many good ideas or stories I might be ignoring day after day.

Everything started out as just an idea that someone took time to develop and understand and sell as viable to someone else. What makes your ideas any less valid? Maybe you should have your own talk show or sports column or “bump-it.” What makes some people think, yeah, the Chia Pet is a fantastic idea and go to the trouble of developing and marketing such a thing when the rest of us think, “Hmm, someone should really invent a stocking cap with a hole in it for my ponytail.” Do we not value ourselves enough to give credence to the possibly golden ideas that we turn over in our congested brains?

I have so many blog ideas and so many book ideas, but only a few ever really make it to the page because I do not take the time out of my day to give them serious consideration. Maybe that’s what makes the difference. Maybe people who are in charge are the people that never worry if their ideas are stupid or impossible. Maybe they just throw it out there and expect others to help find a way to make it work. I guess you have to value yourself before others will value you and that is the bigger picture. I cannot tell you how many times when I was in school or playing trivia I know the answer but don’t say it because I don’t want to be wrong.

We are all too afraid of failure and I think it holds us back. Rather than spend time every day writing that novel, I write here, in my little self-absorbed space where I dare people to judge me, but don’t have to acknowledge that I care. Many of you have great ideas, I’ve read them or seen them. The only thing separating you from people that are making money at utilizing the same idea is the fact that they did it first, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do it better. Who says I can’t turn my blogs into a career. This is my own personal writing portfolio and while some may suck (like this one) others might have enough merit and promise to springboard a writing career. Who cares if the Snuggie was already invented, I bet one of you had a similar idea only better that you laughed off. Our brains aren’t just thinking for the hell of it, there is a purpose and a potential there that we are under utilizing because we’re lazy and embarrassed.

Day 287: Saying Goodbye to a Dear, Toxic Friend. I'll Miss You Aspartame

There are 92 known side effects from consuming the artificial sweetener aspartame, the worst of which is death. I have over 30 of them. Symptoms include everything from problems wearing contacts to memory loss to joint pain to serious diseases like Alzheimer’s, ALS or MS. Aspartame was denied by the FDA eight times, EIGHT before some creative lobbying and personnel shifting got it approved. Oh, and it was approved for soft drinks despite the fact that the National Soft Drink Association wanted to wait for more tests. If you don’t know where I’m going with this, I’ll tell you outright. Aspartame is some badass shit that has apparently been screwing with my health for years and yet I can’t seem to say no.

I love Diet Coke. I’ve never been one of those people that drink tons of soda all day long, but I always have at least one Diet Coke, or these days Cherry Zero, once a day. It picks me up, fills me up and makes me feel like I’ve indulged in a treat. Apparently, it may also be the reason for my restless legs, sleep issues, memory loss, dizziness, joint pain, and weight gain – just to name a few of my own symptoms. Up until now I’ve known it was rumored to be bad for you, but without serious and condemning proof I assumed it must be safe enough. Well, it’s not and I’m a jackass. There are support groups for victims of aspartame poisoning, websites devoted to spreading the word, lawsuits past and pending and a litany of other examples of how this has been going on for decades and I was too busy sucking down my next fix to notice.

What if all your problems could miraculously go away? What if bloating, hypothyroidism, hair loss and decreased night vision, and constipation were all just symptoms of your addiction to diet drinks sweetened with aspartame? Are we that lazy as a species that we’d rather risk symptoms like frickin’ death just to enjoy a diet soda? Um, yeah, looks like we probably are. I’m trying so hard to kick my addiction and this week I managed to limit to one small soda a day and even skipped a day entirely. The withdrawal process can be difficult and that, in and of itself, should be a warning bell. When was the last time you heard someone say they were addicted to nasty ass brussel sprouts? Never! You know why, because good, whole foods do not cause addiction. Chemicals cause addiction and sugary, processed and artificially sweetened foods are chock full of chemicals that fuck with your head and body.

I’m trying to make all these positive changes and while I tried to quit soda last week, it didn’t take. Well, now that I’ve read some of this stuff I think I’ve finally made that connection. What’s the point of working out, eating healthy, cutting out sugar and processed foods only to keep a toxic substance routinely in my system? It’s like going through all the training, putting on the protective gear, parachute pack and jumping without actually bringing the parachute itself. Good health is an all or nothing game. Healthy eating only to sit on your ass all day isn’t going to help nor is working out all the time without good nutrition. Ever seen those muscle heads at the gym. They show up every day pound heavy weights for an hour or two, but instead of looking cut and bulked up like, say Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, they look like the Michelin man, all fat and lumpy.

So here it is, my blog to announce I am officially off diet soda. I have drank my last artificially sweetened beverage of any kind. If I break down and feel I must have the Coke, I’m going full sugar. I have a feeling that too many bouts with chemical and fructose-laden soda will have an adverse affect on the beltline and that is always the best motivator. True, headaches are a symptom of caffeine withdrawal, but I’ll combat those with green tea or even coffee (Mmm, skinny vanilla soy latte – wait, I bet those sugar free syrups are loaded with crap. Aw, crap!) The point is, I made the connection and now I’m going to act on it. I don’t want to be healthy through diet only to develop brain lesions or a nervous system disorder. Goodbye beloved Cherry Zero, you were a bright star while you shined, but you’ve gone a bit dim so I’m moving on. Hopefully with all the memory loss I’ve been experiencing I’ll remember.

Day 286: Blame the Internet Because Your Kid's a Fuckwit

There was a local news story tonight about a 16-year-old girl who began an internet relationship with an almost 40-year-old man. Their relationship escalated to a point that the man came to her home, cut off her ankle monitoring device and then took her back to his home (I’m sorry, but I have to mention that it is a trailer) where they had sex and then. The man then refused to let her leave for a week until she finally was able to sneak a text message to her Aunt who called the police. The moral to this story, according to the news anchor was that parents need to more closely monitor their children’s internet communications. While I believe that it is very important for parents to limit and monitor I also call bullshit on this particular stories and others like it.

We all know that teenagers do not make smart decisions. We know this because we were all once teens and we were stupid, stupid, stupid. Teenagers should not have access to adult influences like pornography, chat rooms, Nip/Tuck, violent video games and movies and on and on. Unfortunately, we live in the real world and kids have access to whatever the hell they want and parents are left scrambling to stay one step ahead of them. It sounds hopeless, but the solution is to raise better quality people and the trick to doing that is to wait to be parents until we are actually financially and emotionally prepared. Parenting takes time, more than I’m willing to devote, clearly.

This story bugs me because it’s not just an example of a good kid who got a little carried away online and got involved in something she wasn’t ready for and didn’t quite know how to extricate herself from. There are lots of those kids out there too, I’m sure, but this girl took it too far, and let us not forget the very important clue to her possibly negligent parentage, she had a police ordered ankle monitor! She’s 16! I’m not blaming all parents for all bad things kids do, but I’m almost doing that. If we paid more attention to the children we have, by doing things like, making family meals a priority, talking about school, monitoring homework, making time to just play with them, maybe we would not have a generation of kids so lonely for one-on-one human contact that they go online to find it with some greasy, pedophile in a beer stained t-shirt.

Clearly this kid fell through the cracks at home. At sixteen years old she is already in trouble with the law. She not only made contact with a man more than twice her age, she let him come to her home, left with him and had sex at his home. This girl is a mess and it’s not because she had unmonitored access to the internet, she was lost long before this. No this one is on her parents, her teachers, her counselors, anyone who had contact with her and failed to MAKE MEANINGFUL CONTACT WITH HER. We blame the internet the way we used to blame rock music or video games. Kids do stupid and bad things because they feel alone and more than anything they want to be part of something. The Trenchcoat Mafia Columbine killers did not grow up to be murderers, they were normal kids who someone lost along the way and they were left to try to find themselves and unfortunately when kids are left to their own devices they very often make the wrong and dangerous choices.

Let’s stop blaming the access to the internet and put the blame where it truly belongs on the fact that too many kids do not have access to their parents. I’m making the decision not to have children because although a part of me wants them and I believe I’d be a great Mom, I also know that I don’t want to give up my time for someone else. I get to be selfish with my time because I am an adult without dependents relying on me. When you become a parent, you don’t get to be selfish anymore. Once you give your kids time, love and respect and you know they feel that, then you can begin to be a little selfish because you’ve done your job and those kids know they are a priority. When your child logs on to the internet for more than to exercise innocent curiosity (about sex, relationships, etc.) it’s a good bet you fucked up. Turn off your job, turn off your TV, turn off your social life, and turn off your kid’s computer until you have tuned back in to their lives.