Willpower is not my friend. In fact, I may not even be acquainted with willpower. One day after a great workout at the gym I feel that half a snickers bar, lime Tostitos, garlic cheese bread and steak nachos are my just rewards for having sore muscles. This happens to me all the time. I do the right thing by my body for a day or two then I feel that I have sacrificed enough and deserve a reward. What exactly I am rewarding I’m not sure, but I do know that I greatly enjoy the food or drinks until the next day when I again feel gluttonous and guilty and that guilt forces me off my ass and into the gym once again. So what is it about willpower that contains such a negative force that we feel like it is an insurmountable goal?
I do not need to eat salad and celery all day, every day but thinking of being strong mentally make me assume that is what it must be. Willpower just sounds restrictive and makes me act out in rebellion as if I am protesting some inmate code at a penal colony. Whatever the reason, when confronted with the idea of eating healthy versus eating a restricted diet, I freak out every time. Healthy is not bad. You can actually eat pretty well if you are dedicated to a healthy diet, but thinking about it as a “diet,” which means restricted calories and limited food choices suddenly makes me break into a cold sweat.
Likewise, the idea of hitting the gym every day five times a week or more will paralyze me, causing me to anchor my expanding ass to the sofa for a Star Trek Next Generation marathon. It’s not that I don’t like to work out or eat healthy, it’s just that the whole idea of willpower seems daunting. I suppose it’s a bit like the woman on a diet who splurges one day and has a slice of chocolate cake and then thinks “well hell, I already blew my diet I might as well eat the whole thing.” Willpower seems like an all or nothing and that is pretty much how I live my entire life. I can go all day in front of a huge bowl of peanut butter M&M’s and never give in, but the minute I have one you can bet that I will gorge myself on the entire bowl.
Moderation has never been my thing in life and that has somehow carried over into every facet. If I go shopping, I spend everything I have, if I travel, I do it up big, if I eat I try a lot of everything, and if I love, I fall in love every day. The world is filled with opportunity and just when you think Dunkin’ Donuts is awesome along comes Krispy Kreme and makes you want to try every damned type of glazed deliciousness. I do things big and willpower is no exception. I try to live a normal life of moderation, but I end up freaking out and going full out no matter what. I heard someone once say that you should live life like you’re always in fourth gear and I think I do that. So what if it means I am five pounds heavier than I want to be, or have a credit card bill equal to our car payments, the point is I’ve lived and willpower is a state of mind for which I’m just not willing to sacrifice.
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