Day 140: The Habit of Loss

At what point does feeling the loss of someone we love become more of a habit than having them there beside you? For almost an entire year after my Mother died I reached for the phone to call her on Sundays. Having her in my life was so normal that I had to continually remind myself that she was gone, but eventually I got used to her absence and that became my new habit. Living without Jeff these last 11 months has forced a new habit in that same vein.

Today I was at the pub watching the game and talking to the bar owner and guy who runs one of my fantasy football leagues. He asked when Jeff was coming home and after answering I mentioned that just before the game started I caught myself thinking “Come on Jeff, hurry up.” For a fleeting moment I forgot where he was and thought he was just running late. After I told him this, my friend said, “You know about my wife right?” I replied that I did not while noticing that his wedding ring that had very much been in evidence back in August was nowhere to be seen. He told me that she died a little less than a year ago and that he still catches himself turning to talk to her or thinking that he needs to tell her something about the kids before remembering that he can’t.

Her loss has not become a habit for him yet, but it will. One day soon he’ll suddenly stop instinctively expecting her to be there and instead, become accustomed to her absence. It doesn’t mean you no longer miss the person you love, but life carries on and we move with it. I forced myself to get used to Jeff being gone and truth be told, it came at a time in our relationship that both of us really needed a wake up call. Now that his return is only five weeks away, my forced habit of expecting him to be gone is suddenly being replaced with a new habit of wanting him here beside me. I’m lucky in that I got the opportunity to experience a life without him in many ways and it’s made me realize just how much we took one another for granted.

I think the acceptance of life’s necessity to form new habits is what separates those of us who are able to cope and move on, from those that live inside their grief. Perhaps it’s the fear that accepting loss will mean you never really loved that person and so we choose to keep that person so active in our minds and hearts that we do not allow ourselves to move on. Acceptance of loss is a habit, you need to practice it and go through it and eventually it becomes your reality. Still, no matter how used to loss we become, we never stop missing that person. Sometimes, we might even find ourselves wanting to share a funny story before remembering the truth. Habits only get you so far and it never takes the place of human instinct.