I am at four days until the night when my year-long deployed husband will once again be home. I have written several blogs on topics ranging from negotiating the loneliness, strangeness, happiness, and concerns. Today I freaked out for a whole new reason: what if I miss being on my own? I love Jeff, but it was difficult going from a 24/7 relationship to basically living like I’m single again. Now, after a year of adjustment, some of which was really hard to get through, I’ve found a good balance and am almost happy. So what happens when you go from being alone to having a live-in partner overnight?
Some of the issues are functional. I sleep in a big, wonderfully comfortable king-size bed. I love my bed. I bought it when I moved here and aside from a weekend, Jeff hasn’t slept in it. This is my bed and I don’t have a side. I sleep kind of sprawled all over and I like that. Suddenly I’m going to be restricted from my insomnia driven flailing about and frequent periods of turning the light back on to read or work on the laptop. This is not a huge problem, I realize, but it is an adjustment. There are other, not life shattering, issues like cooking. We like different foods and I don’t really need meat, so either we cook two meals or go out to eat all the time.
Lastly, there’s just the basic and unavoidable fact that I like to be alone. True, a year of alone time is a bit much even for me, but I live in a condo there’s only one main living space and we’re going to be in each other’s face whenever we’re both home. You may think that’s normal and fine, but I’m used to doing what I want, how I want and exactly when I want. I don’t want to have a coffee pot cluttering up the counter or someone waking me up bright and early when I just fell asleep at 5:30am.
I have built a life for myself over the last year and it was a struggle and it wasn’t my choice, but I did and I’m liking what I have. What I don’t have, however, is my husband and I want and miss him in my daily life. I never want him to feel like I am simply accommodating him. I’m just not sure how to go from living alone to being bosom buddies again and I’m a little worried that it’s going to show. What happens when my normal Sunday night drink at Mac’s clashes with coupledom?
Don’t get me wrong, I am more excited and happy than anything, but I’d be lying if I said these things aren’t on my mind. We can’t predict how are relationships will unfold, but I’ve been here before with this same man four years ago. We moved in together and it was wonderful, but back then we didn’t have the year-long break beforehand. We knew each other’s habits and schedules. My life has changed and he’s been through a war. How the fuck do you adjust to that over coffee? In the words of the immortal Bette Davis's Margo Channing, “Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night.”
As wonderful as Jeff's return is, there will be nothing easy about it. The amazing sense of relief, elation, love and connection will make everything else worthwhile, but there is a lot of work to be done. And the reason I'm posting is this: OF COURSE IT'S WIERD. HE'S BEEN AT WAR FOR A YEAR! So my question for my government is this. Why is there not standard (read MANDATORY) counseling for all troops and their families before, during and after deployment? (People who think they don't need it are EXACTLY the ones that need to go...)
ReplyDeleteAfter they've sacrificed every facet of their lives for the last year, our superheros are now expected to seamlessly return to 'normal' civilian life: jobs, money management, domesticity, kids, parents, friends and wives with old issues AND new issues. This new life is a mine field. Wierd expectations, happiness, disappointment, disapproval, frustration, desire, fear, feeling left out or forgotten is only the beginning of what every single troop and friend/family of that troop is going to face. They've missed a year of their lives! Nothing is the same as it was when they left. Learning how to navigate and decipher a life that looks kind of like their old one but is anything but requires full time professional help...awareness of self and others, communication tools, goal setting...for ALL involved. Anything short of regular counseling/education/discussion is only asking for domestic issues to consume and even destroy the happiness and security of our returning soldiers. They deserve so much more.