So much for blogging my way to mental and emotional health. The last eight months have been very therapeutic in the way that only baring your soul to whomever bothers to read can be, but now I fear I’m up against a wall. Of course I still have issues to work out, but I’m at a difficult crossroads that would most likely be wise to walk away from. The things I really still need to write about affect friends and family that are alive and well and presumably not as open to having me air our dirty laundry in a semi-public venue. So is it possible to heal when only one party wants to try? Can I make it all better for myself without utilizing the one avenue that works for me or am I destined to carry the burdens of failed relationships and miscommunications with no outlet?
Hemingway used to write that all the stories he had left to tell about those he loved must wait until one of them were dead. When even Papa knows not to go there I guess I would be a fool not to listen. So I guess the only option is to do nothing, at least for a while. This is the way most people live anyway, isn’t it? I’ve just never been one of those people who can shy away from confrontations or trying to fix things. It bothers me when things are left unsaid and I suck at pretending things are okay when they’re not. So while I very much want to drag it all out into the light in that obsessive Ame way I have with my writing, I know I can’t.
This is perhaps the hardest thing. Knowing that I might be able to gain some peace from working through at least my own side of some issues, I can’t. Sometimes when you love someone it is easier and better to let things go and to not try to fix them. That’s not a lesson I can easily swallow, but I am trying. The ghosts of my past are many and some are so incredibly difficult to push back down under the cover the denial or avoidance, but it’s not all about me, at least not in these instances. So suck it up I will, but I won’t like it and it won’t necessarily make me healthier, but it will keep the peace and sometimes that’s worth it.
hmmmm, Ame, I don't agree. I am slowly learning that life is about being the best people we can be (through self discovery, forgiveness, emotions etc) so that we can love others and be in functional relationships...I struggle w/ the same things so I am talking to myself here. But if we could just all be honest and air our feelings and "dirty laundry" perhaps we could have true healing in this life? Why postpone our own feelings for the sake of others. So at 50 years old we can finally heal...
ReplyDeleteI'm following the same path as you right now but I don't like it. I am antsy and agitated and I want to heal. I don't think it's fair that I can't be happy (quote on quote) at others' expenses...as always...
Just some thoughts.