Day 284: Maybe I'm an Optimist After All

Why is it that trying to do something positive for yourself is often a more difficult path? I know all the old axioms: nothing ventured, nothing gained; no pain, no gain; etc. I’m not afraid of hard work, but it can be frustrating. How many times have you decided to make a positive change in your life only to feel like you’re running uphill, in an ice storm, in glass slippers? You get the picture; good things while promising a desired end game aren’t always all that great in the process. I am facing this on three fronts simultaneously and while determined, I’m also getting increasingly discouraged.

I am studying for the GRE that I am taking in three weeks. I am trying to get back into a healthy work out routine. Lastly, I recently switched to a vegan diet and cut out sugar and caffeine. My brain and body are rebelling. I study every day to the point that at night when I sleep I dream about GRE vocabulary words. Working out after a few weeks off is causing headaches and back issues and the new diet is wreaking havoc on the digestive system. The extra special bonus, is that the healthy food I’m eating costs so much money that I’ll have to forego grad school and gym time so I can get two jobs to pay for it.

Sometimes life feels like a never-ending battle and that is bad when you’re just muddling through, but when you’re really making an effort it downright sucks. It is cheaper to eat an unhealthy diet. My body, unaccustomed to so many whole grains and vegetables is freaking out, but I’m sure I could eat a steak and mashed potatoes with no ill effects. I’m doing everything I can to make my body and mind stronger and both are giving me headaches . . . it just never ends. I’m not a naturally positive person, so it’s hard for me to see the glass as half full when what I really want to do is throw the glass across the room. The one silver lining I’ve found is that regardless of how inconvenient, painful, time-consuming and expensive it is, I still really want to make a change.

I want to get a high score on the GRE and go to grad school. I want to get in shape again and feel physically strong. I want to continue my new eating habits and stay vegan. Wanting these things is making me continue to work for them even when it’s really hard. This is sort of a new thing for me. I like to do things I’m good at generally, not bang my head against a wall attempting what might feel like the impossible. Oddly enough, what’s happening is that my resoluteness to make these changes in my life is fueling my ability to tolerate the bad and keep hoping for better. That’s a good feeling, to be hopeful. It doesn’t take away the financial and physical pain I’m in at this moment, but it is nice to hope that maybe tomorrow will be the day it all starts to come together. A day at a time and a little hope are going to see me through to my goals, I can just feel it.