Day 147: "I Like Football" is not a Euphemism for "I Want You"

Hello. My name is Ame. I watch football at pubs and get inappropriately drunk and talk shit to every opposing fan in earshot. I also am here to dispense advice to lovelorn men attached to disinterested females who accompany them to sports bars despite not being interested in football or them. From time to time, I will avail my services to girls who want to complain about their super hot boyfriends who don’t get them and if pressed, I will also let the drunken stranger who wants to buy the “Steelers girl whose husband is in Iraq” a drink. Wait, is it “whose” or “who’s” I never know that one. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that I am sufficiently intoxicated and finding other people amusing; well some are amusing, some are annoying.

Loving football as a girl is always interesting. There are those who take me at face value, happy to discuss the Vikings pass rush or Arizona offense seemingly without noticing that I have boobs. I like these guys, though they tend to be either foreign or older gents. Then there are the guys who are surprised to discover I actually know what I’m talking about and vacillate between humoring my football knowledge and making thinly veiled innuendo about how I could be a cheerleader or that I really fill out the numbers on my jersey. Finally, we have the group who does not pretend to have any interest in my football knowledge or advice for their women issues. This group just strikes head on with their lamest one liner, usually something to do with tight ends and blitzing.

Yes, football and alcohol breed a particular type of man and he’s usually one that doesn’t quite understand himself. Luckily, football and alcohol breeds one type of Ame and she’s pretty much oblivious to anything not related to the game. So feel free to bring on your dumbest attempts at wooing me, lamest sexual come-ons and most pointless comments about my being lonely since the husband is out of the country. Drunk or not, I pretty much come away from every football Sunday with one point of view, the games were good and the guys were not. Believe it or not, I’m actually just in it for the drinks, football and conversation about drinks and football. I realize I have tits and wear lipgloss and therefore it’s hard to understand this, but sometimes a high five is just a high five. Though if I chest bump you, feel free to read into it at will.