So I took the high road, I stepped back and away for an entire day, keeping my keyboard silent on the subject most in my mind. Today is a new day, however, and it turns out, that while time to think and quiet my mind did indeed lessen both my anger and my depression, it has not lessened my desire to write what I feel. Many times in my life I have been chastened for following my heart and my instincts instead of taking time to think and allowing myself to follow the prudent path. Here’s what I now know, what is prudent for you does not work for me. I am an instinctual, deeply emotional person and while that makes me a little more raw to life’s various injuries and insults, it also makes me an extremely empathetic and caring person. So after taking my 24 hours to step back and let myself process – the wise and prudent path most of you employ – I’m ready to blog. Fuck you. Fuck you and your judgment and your intolerant, short-sighted mind.
Yes, I reveal things that other people feel are private. I point out the illogical, the stupid, the annoying and negative. I am not the sunshine disposition type of person. Not because I don’t have good life, loyal friends and the most loving husband. Not too, because I cannot see the good and beautiful in the world. I see it every time I walk in the woods or take a drive in the country or sit on the beach listening to the surf and tasting that salty breeze. I see and feel every bit of every wonderful thing this world has to offer. It is because I see it, because I am so incredibly in tune with and aware of the majesty this world and it’s creatures have to offer, that I am negative and point out what most of you ignore.
The world is also ugly and contains evil and maliciousness that has seen men drag another man behind a truck until he was dismembered, soldiers serving a noble purpose rape, abuse and haze women or gay service members, global warming, animal extinction, child porn. So really, is it so awful that I am willing to take notice and hope that I can make you also take notice that the world isn’t a big ball of sunshine? I identify myself as atheist. Do you want to know why? It’s not because I am a bad person or think the concept of an omniscient deity is laughable. I am an atheist because I cannot allow myself to believe that ANY entity who has the power to ease even the slightest bit of suffering would allow such horrible acts to keep happening.
I believe in free will and I believe that a deity that would ignore our free will and fix things would be wrong. At the same time, it’s not about free will, why wouldn’t this omniscient being remove whatever mental quirk that produces evil, sadistic bastards in the first place. We’ll still crime, violence, rape, murders all the bad will still exist, but maybe we won’t have Hitler’s or Pol Pot’s. Maybe we’ll just beat the crap out the man who dares to be black instead of dragging him to death behind our redneck pickup truck. For me, the sheer idea that an entity, a God, an energy, whatever you believe in exists and thinks it is okay for man’s will to turn six year-old children into sex slaves is too much for me. I choose to believe there is no God, not because I’m unfeeling and not spiritual. I am an Atheist because it is too horrifically painful to believe that God exists.
I may not be the type of person you want associated with your business, your children, your family or your organization, but I am a person who cares too much and sees the world as it is because I refuse to look away. We live the life that’s easy and I am guilty of that as well, but I refuse to shield myself from what is negative in life because it’s ugly or hard. So you want perfect with a ribbon in my hair too damn bad, but you want real and honest and caring, then I am that person. So in case any of you have forgotten what I blog about, topics that might have made you uncomfortable, issues that you’ve ignored so that you can still read it or like me, let me reeducate you.
I blog about: addiction, religion, politics, genocide, pornography, masturbation, loneliness, depression, childlessness, cheating, lying, flatulence, sex, military, moving, friends, ignorance, intolerance, unemployment, you, childhood, torture, hating people, football, loss, patriotism, boobs, fitness, vacation, self-discovery, homeless, stupidity, boredom, anger and whatever else exists in the world that may be on my mind. I see the same things you see or at least should be seeing. The difference between us, is not that I am aware of them, it is that I feel it is important to point them out. What is it they say, without suffering you cannot appreciate joy? Well, living in your bubble does not mean bad things aren’t happening. Nor does it mean that things simply cease to exist. Yes, I like porn, my husband and I flirted wit the idea of a threesome (though it never even came close to happening), and I hated my Stepfather enough to wish him dead. Guess what, you also have sex, might like porn, have hated, have drank to excess, sometimes say things you shouldn’t, feel sad, think people are stupid and live a real life. I am no different from you except that I admit it. The person you met, you liked, you let inside did not change. What changed is that you found out something that made you uncomfortable. That doesn’t make me wrong, it makes you intolerant and that is on you.
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