Sometimes it’s really hard being me. Not because my life is so bad. I have a roof over my head and food and money for things I want – well, some things I want. No, it’s hard being me because I never learned how to not be me. I am a pot stirrer. I like controversy and am not afraid of confrontation. I believe that getting to know someone is less about who they are socially than it is the things they reveal in quiet moments. I have made some really good friends over the years and they are all incredibly interesting and diverse people. I like to be surrounded by a mix of different philosophies and belief systems. I have also made some enemies, hurt a few people and been hurt by a few more.
It is not easy being me because I live an authentic life. I don’t pretend things I don’t think or feel and I don’t believe you gloss over racism or sexism just because you don’t want to rock the boat. Change happens because that boat gets rocked enough times to make people understand that something different needs to happen. I make some people uncomfortable and I realize that, but just because I’ve come to understand that this is who I am, doesn’t mean I always love it. It would be so nice to just be able to be one of those people who everyone likes all the time. The people that never say or do anything too controversial or out there, they just sort of hug the middle of the road and everyone loves them.
I’m not offensive on purpose. It’s just who I’ve always been. I am 36 years-old and I have been this person for at least 32 of those years. Do you think it’s easy? I would love to change, but it’s not about changing my behavior, it’s about changing who I am. When you judge me for the things I say and do you are judging me as a person and that really hurts. I have not changed. This is the person I was in kindergarten. I have always said what I feel and think, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, I have always had as many enemies as friends because I do not know how to play the game that you play. This is just me, it’s not an affectation, it’s not an attack on anyone, it’s not a ploy to get attention. Being me is hard and it hurts some days because being me has made a lot of people hate me. I don’t know how I became this person, I just am. The same way that you are who you are.
Life affects us all differently and for whatever reason, my experiences created a person who puts it all out there. I want to be liked. Do you know anyone who doesn’t? I want to be accepted, but at the same time when I am not, rather than fake who I am, I just adopt a “fuck you” attitude. I don’t know how to pretend that I’m like everyone else, I don’t know how to be non-confrontational or to ignore things I disagree with in life. If I think you are being racist or homophobic I will call you on it, and not because I want to make enemies, but because I think it is important. I want people to call me on my shit as well. It’s never easy, but I’d rather someone have a real conversation with me about what they don’t like, than to simply judge me for it.
I am always trying to be a better person, but life is short and in the end is it more important that I’ve entertained you at a party or that I care about the world and refuse to think it’s okay to describe something as “gay”? I cannot be someone I’m not, but it doesn’t mean I always love who I am. This is just what I’ve got and I don’t know how to make it different or better or more acceptable. In hindsight there are always those things that we can say maybe I should not have done or said that thing, but in life it’s not like that. If I don’t ask you to be different than you are, why is okay for you expect me to change? I would if I could, in some ways, I would love to change, but so far all attempts have failed. You may not like who you’re stuck with, but don’t forget that I don’t always like me either. This is all I’ve got though, and I’m sorry that being me isn’t enough for you.
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