Day 196: A Happy Marriage Means You Don't Always Have to be Happy

For six months I wrote this blog and worried publicly about marriage, sex, miscommunication, compromise, love, loneliness, companionship, children and just about any other aspect of commitment one can imagine. I have put things out there that I know made not only the husband uncomfortable, but friends and strangers as well. While it has not always been the most productive or kind blog, and I have lost a few friends as an indirect result, what I have gained is far more valuable. I gained back a sense of self that I lost somewhere along the journey of my life and have now not only found it, but made friends with it.

My reality will always be different than yours, because it is mine. Still, through the comments and emails received by those of you that have read it, I know that I have made an impact or at least prompted thought and that is all any of us can really ask. The very fact that anyone at all wants to read my blog is still staggering to me and if you spend even a minute reflecting on something I wrote then I have achieved more than I set out to do. My goal was always just to find my place again and to reorganize my priorities. Much of that took the form of relationship issues with my husband, a fact that was not always welcomed by him.

So here I am six months later and a few weeks into the husband’s return from Iraq and you know what? I think I am healthy and possibly even happy. Very few couples have the opportunity to spend every day together 24/7 due to careers, families and other obligations. I am a person who needs time to myself and after a year of living alone I worried almost obsessively about our reunion. Of course I was happy at the thought of being together once again, but it was a rocky year and we had some issues to work out which I chose to do in a public format – again, not the husband’s preference. So now that the newness has worn off and we’ve had our time to kiss and be sappy, I have discovered one very important thing: I can be happy, but a part of me will always choose not to be.

This is not as bleak as it sounds. What I mean is that while I am completely in love and happy with my husband, I see total happiness as a trap. We lose ourselves in happiness sometimes just as much as we can lose ourselves in misery. It is important to keep in mind that the world still needs a lot of work and I do not want to live with blinders on my eyes. There is no partner in the world that could make me happier than Jeff, but that’s not the point. I will not let myself experience complete happiness for the sole reason that I do want to see the harsh realities and be able to feel the heart-wrenching tragedy that exists all over the world. So yes, I have found myself and happiness, but I still feel the pain and see the misfortune of those around me. Luckily, I found a person that loves me enough to not expect me to be happy all the time.