Day 203: I Smell a Cover-up and I Like it!

Maybe I’m just lazy. I’m not writing as diligently as I once was. Some days I don’t think about my blog at all and others I think about it, but do not feel that need to write. So maybe it’s laziness.. Then again, maybe it is the knowledge that I’ve written about and worked through a lot of the surface issues and what is left are the underlying causes of my unhappiness and discontent. I’ve heard the expression about acknowledging a problem being the first step and it’s left me wondering, “the first step toward what?”

I know I still have issues. Even now, I make choices that are consciously self-destructive. Happiness is a daunting prospect and one I’m neither sure how to get to or that I want. Like everyone I have good days, great days even, but at the root I see that I am capable of causing pain not just to others, but to myself. Should I finally begin to drag those darker issues to light I may not even like where they take me and I’m not sure I want to be all that healthy emotionally anyway.

To some degree it is our pain that keeps us honest. We are able to empathize because of what we have been through. We acknowledge and act to help the less fortunate because somewhere in us is the fear that a serious illness, job loss or one more kid could put us at risk as well. We judge in conversation, but do not go so far as to be unkind to those who have made damaging decisions because we too have been guilty. All of us walk the line together and in some ways it keeps us honest.

The point has arrived for me, that I need to begin looking beyond the superficial layers, the denial, the defensive sarcasm and see into the heart of who I am. I admit there is a problem. I keep making the same mistakes and retreating to try a new path and once again stumble at the same point. I do acknowledge it, but in all honesty, knowing I’ve screwed up and that I might screw up again is not the great motivator people assume it to be. Hiding is so much easier. Denial is a lot more comforting. I’m working on it, but I’m not quite ready to ditch the security blanket of ignorance yet. Maybe when I get to Day 303, we’ll have to wait and see.