Have you ever found yourself wondering who you might be in different circumstances? If you were raised by different parents, a child of affluence or one of poverty, an only child or one of many? What if your education was the polar opposite from what you actually experienced or you were given the opportunity to flourish in sports or the arts? This is a topic I think about often as throughout my life I have felt that I was living in the wrong set of circumstances. I love my family, but as a child of adoption, I also feel somehow out of place. So now I am trying to make sense of who I might have been with who I am.
I never had the opportunity to study music or play sports because we did not have the money. I participated in school programs, but extra-curricular lessons were not an option. As nurturing and loving as my parents were, they also were not super attentive to my studying habits. I was a good student, but if I could make B’s without studying I contented myself with that rather than spending hours to get A’s. I could have used a little career counseling or direction when choosing colleges. It was not fun putting myself through school or guessing at what I should study. I am still looking for that perfect career to this day, and it makes me wonder, would I be happier or more successful had I not been adopted?
I have no doubt that I could not be loved more than any I have been by my family, but there is this nagging feeling. I needed more than I got. I know that it is taboo to say that , we are supposed to love and support our parents unconditionally. I do believe my Mother did the best she could, but I don’t think she quite knew what to do with me. I was mouthy and inquisitive and could never seem to get enough information. I think it about it. What if I were raised by people more capable of indulging my intellectual development or who could afford better schools or recreational opportunities?
Would I trade circumstances and never know my parents? Of course not, this is my life and I was gifted with a tremendous amount of love, but there are things I wish I had and think I would have benefitted from. I was not encouraged to pursue my interests because quite frankly we were poor and my Mother was exhausted. Why support my unlikely dream of being a singer or writer when it is more important to have a functional job to pay the pays. I’m not sure who I might have been, but I am working to finally give myself the support I might have missed out on as a child and young adult. I know my parents loved me, but love does not buy you advantages in a highly competitive world. I guess at 37 it’s probably time for me to start creating those opportunities myself and stop looking back, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder.
I don't know if it's just our age, but I too have spent a lot of time in self-reflection this year. I had a life-altering experience that has created a wealth of opportunities to look at who I am, why I am, and what I'm going to do about myself.
ReplyDeleteUnlike you, Ame, I have spent my entire life defining myself through my family. Until now, I've never wondered who I am and where I fit because it was all laid out nicely before me, and for 36 years, I was satisfied with my place in the universe and found no need to challenge it. I am my father's daughter. I am crazy like my mother (and because of my mother), I am the oldest sister, the first born, the oldest grandchild. I am also a mother of four. I am the wife of my husband. I am the good daughter-in-law, the sweet sister-in-law and a good friend.
When we moved this year, I found that I had to introduce my self to people who didn't see me through any prism of connection. I had to stand alone and be myself and let them decide if they liked me. I also had to listen to their stories and look at their lives and decide if I wanted their friendship. How strange. I've always operated with a bit of a cheat sheet that provided advance information that could accurately predict most relationships I encountered.
This has been WONDERFUL! I get to wake up everyday and decide who I am, and for the first time, I really like myself. I surprise myself everyday with a new opinion, idea or awareness. I am a whole person! I am not just an adjacent to someone else. This is freedom. And I understand that only I kept myself chained to the set of expectations I thought I lived under. They gave me the key to unlock myself long ago--I have a wonderful group of individuals I am lucky to call family. But they are not who I am. I am me all by myself. I've thrown the old life blueprints away that I thought defined me, and I'm just winging it from now on. If I was more like you, I'd buy a Harley. But I'm not so picture me running down a mountain road jamming to tunes and singing at the top of my lungs for whoever wants to listen.