I happened into a Walmart this evening and was a little daunted by what I found. Despite it being a Saturday evening, the parking lot was packed and quite difficult to navigate due to a constant stream of people wandering about, traffic congestion and multitudes of errant shopping carts. Once inside it was even worse. A kaleidoscope of people of every color and size wearing what can only be described as interesting clothing of dubious intent. It was like every decade was simultaneously happening at once with scraggly, unkempt, garish or mountainous people modeling off the fashions of the past. Who are these people that rush to the Walmart on weekend evenings for some sort of entertainment and why do they evoke such fear in me?
The place was seriously crowded which makes me wonder why so many people choose to do what appears to be their monthly shopping with 5-8 people of various ages in tow. Wouldn’t that be the worst time to try to do your shopping and why do they all seem to have so many other people with them? We ran in for a necessity after a day spent moving and were not prepared for the roaming bands of feral children, angry parents, bored teens and misguided singles. Walmart is a truly horrific place and if it were not for peopleofwalmart.com I would be lobbying some sympathetic congressperson for legislation to end their reign of terror. I know I’m a snob, this is not a shock to me, but there are not words to accurately convey the unique mixture of the truly misguided and the grossly exhibitionistic purveyors of this flea market-esque store. For anyone not sure I will help you to understand what is and is not appropriate attire for shopping.
Anything see-thru including leggings, pants, tanks, blouses, t-shirts and/or sweaters is not appropriate without a foundation layer protecting the unsuspecting public from viewing your butt crack, nipples or naval hair. Likewise, anything too short or too plunging that reveals the same unwelcome sights should be banned from your shopping wardrobe. Another popular, but extremely unjustified object of clothing popular at the Walmart and just needs to stop, are items that are too tight. If a child could wear it, it’s probably not for you. Other hints that something might be too small include if your butt cheeks look more like one big orb, your breasts are forced to either flatten painfully or burst forth like a corset wearing lady of the court, or parts of your abdomen are visibly oozing out from under your shirt or over your waistband.
I recognize that there is a need for places like Walmart. Society needs its public instruments of torture to keep the masses in line. We also need the humiliating entertainment that created the aforementioned peopleofwalmart.com. Still, I cannot help but wonder why people would choose to shop at a place that is poorly laid out, overcrowded, filled with screaming adults and children alike and employs what may be the least informative help in all of retail. Go to Target, go to the grocery, go to anyplace else or if that is not possible stop doing all of your shopping at the EXACT SAME TIME EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE. If you are so lonely or desperate for attention that you’re wearing an extremely ill-advised outfit to a discount barn on a Friday or Saturday evening, it might be time to rethink more than just your shopping habits.
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