Day 255: Why God Secretly Hates Women

Somewhere, written into the human genetic code is a cruel loophole that permanently puts women at a disadvantage. Basic physiology has women fertile at an age no woman should even be thinking about sex, let alone procreating. Sexually, women come into their peak 10-12 years later than their male counterparts. Not a problem if you are a confused lesbian (you know, because she doesn’t experiment until later in life), but for the rest of us it kind of sucks. Women’s bodies retain more fat and have a harder time maintaining lean muscle mass and as we age we look older whereas many men actually become more handsome. If I believed in a God, I’d say these things are evidence that it is a man and He is a sexist.

I’m stuck on John and Elizabeth Edwards lately. First his sex tape scandal got me fired up, but the more video and photos I saw of them, the more annoyed I became with a subjective, but fairly obvious truth: Liz kinda looks like John’s Mom. I mean no disrespect. Elizabeth Edwards has been through grueling political campaigns by her husband’s side, the death of a child, cancer, John’s affair, John’s love child and now the sad fact that she’s old and she looks it. John Edwards is a very handsome man in my opinion and Elizabeth is an attractive woman, the problem is that she is attractive for an older woman and he’s just hot.

It would seem that some sort universal force wants women to start popping out babies in middle school, but not enjoy the copulation until she’s 30ish when childrearing, fat reserves and aging are starting to take their toll. Men, free from the physical ramifications of childbirth retain their lean muscle mass, naturally high metabolisms and are free from the hormonal thrashing the body takes as a result of hosting a parasite for nine months. I know I am now the judgmental voice critiquing the appearance of my fellow sisters, but it’s true and it’s not my fault.

We get wrinkles and grays and pot bellies and jiggly thighs and they get character and distinguished. It sucks, but a close-up of Elizabeth Edwards tells the story. In a world in which 15-year-olds now look like supermodels, what chance does the women who actually looks her age have? Undoubtedly John had younger, hotter women throwing themselves at him for years and a lifestyle that kept him away from home for much of the time must have made him lonely. I bet Elizabeth was lonely too, and while she surely had men in her life that found her attractive, probably not the same type overt temptation John faced.

Elizabeth looks like a woman who has lived and she carries both the joy and sorrows in her face an on her frame. She will become older and her adulterous, younger-looking, and handsome husband will either make a life with his mistress or find another to keep him feeling young and refreshed. The lesson here ladies, is to either never marry a man as attractive as you are or to always marry a man who is older. It’s bullshit and unfair and I’m sorry to have to buy into the stereotype, but it’s hard to ignore, it’s written all over our faces.