Day 174: You Can't Heal Scars, Only Prevent Them

You ever have one of those amazing days where everything just seems to fall into place? Well I don’t, not usually anyway. Today, however, was one of those days. I felt almost chipper, a state of being that I only recognize by how annoying it comes across to me when others are chipper. I am not a chipper person, but after a fantastic day where everything went right and all seemed perfect with the world I was very much in danger of crossing to the other side and being one of the annoying chipper.

People sometimes criticize me for being too negative. Personally, I do not think of myself as negative, but I do notice things that are wrong or out of place just as much as I notice what is right. Ignoring the negative with a “glass half full” attitude does nothing but belay the true circumstances. I may not be a positive, chipper woman, but I have very good instincts and so I tend to keep one ear perked at all times for the sound of the other shoe dropping. Great days are wonderful and should be appreciated and thoroughly enjoyed, but I tend not to trust all that jolliness. For me, a positive without the negative is lopsided, so while I’m not necessarily looking for trouble, I am aware that it’s out there and can come home at any time.

Yes, today was a perfect day, but that perfection had the hairs on the back of my neck standing all day, as if sensing a coming storm. Still, when it came it surprised me with a force that knocked the wind out of me. I am not often surprised. When this one came, I can’t say I was prepared and even now as I write this, I’m not sure what I could have done to prepare. Sometimes life just knocks you on your ass when you least expect it. I guess when that happens the real test is how you get back up. I never stay down for long and I feel wiser for the experience, but sometimes you’re left with a cut so deep you know there will be a scar long before it forms.

I’m not looking for trouble. I’m not looking to ruin a good day. I simply know that it’s always when you stop looking over your shoulder that the hit comes. Call me negative if you want, but I’m not one to enjoy being blindsided so I’ll do whatever necessary to avoid the feelings nights like tonight evoke. I think you can get to a point where you no longer are able to recover from emotional scarring. The only way I see to prevent that from happening is to avoid the situations that cause it, so yes, I’m going to stay alert. Kenny Rogers was right, sometimes you can stick around and see something through and sometimes you walk away. The real skill is in knowing when that time has arrived. Lucky for me and my brief chipper outlook, I’m not a quitter, but don’t fuck with me, because I’m not a punching bag either. Even positive people have their limits.