Day 214: My Body Says What?

Each year I make the same resolutions: to get in better shape, to lose weight, to be happier, to get organized, to eat more healthfully, etc. This year is pretty much the same except for one thing, this year I am resolving to not just take better care of my body, but to get to know it and to listen to what it is telling me. None of us is getting younger and yet we seem to take our bodies for granted and rarely make an effort to really understand or appreciate what our changing and aging body needs. We focus on our spiritual growth, our inner journey, and even the physical health of our bodies, but we forget that our body is unique and following the food pyramid and going for a run may not be the total prescription for our individual needs.

My body is beginning to fight back, most noticeably when I attempt what is normal to me, but not therapeutic to it. I can no longer go for a run and slack off when it comes to stretching. I cannot jump into an advanced yoga routine and my flexibility is practically non-existent. While I do still need to work on my eating habits and exercise routine I think I just need to spend some time getting to know this vehicle that carries me around. What feels good, what hurts and what needs to hurt a little to get to the good. We meditate and turn our focus inward so often or else simply hit the gym and expect our body to follow, but all pain is not necessarily gain.

Our bodies are not all the same and that means that even if we follow what experts consider a proper strength and conditioning routine, your body might need more help. I feel the tightness in my hips when I run, the strain in my shoulders when I do anything, and the arthritis in my hands when I hold chopsticks. I’m thinking that we’ve gotten so comfortable with following “expert” advice that we forget the only expert on our own body is ourselves. No one else knows exactly what we feel, so stop worshipping some fitness guru and start listening a little more. Experienced runners still suffer heart disease, spiritually enlightened types are still obese or suffering from disease. Doing what we’re supposed to may not equal success.

It’s not about what you think you should do, it’s about what you need. Sometimes you do need chocolate or a higher fat meal, maybe your body needs the endorphins or iron or whatever, but if we listen to the individual needs instead of blindly following the fitness experts, maybe we will hit upon that core truth of our specific body. I cannot change what I don’t understand so that is my resolution. I’m going to keep trying to get strong and eat healthy, but I’m also going to spend some time just noticing what causes the aches and pains, what releases the good ache and what is just not going to happen anymore. I can still be in excellent shape, but I’m never not going to be 37 so I’m going to work with the body I have, not the body I want.

Day 213: Shouldn't We All be Happy and Driving Flying Cars?

Happy 2010. That sounds weird. Even after I said “Happy New Year” kissed the husband, clinked glasses, sipped champagne and traded resolutions it didn’t really hit me. 2010 feels like it should be fairly momentous. I think this is partly because now we will say twenty ten instead of two thousand nine, etc. There is something so futuristic about the “twenty __” years that makes it feel different somehow. I realize that in reality only an hour has passed and yet it feels different. Or maybe the difference is that it feels like it should be different and yet it is the same.

I am still hungover while I am in the process of drinking, I still look the same, my car does not fly (as far as I know), no one is any more enlightened than they were 90 minutes ago and life as I know it is still pretty average with periods of crazy. We put so much emphasis on a new year: This is the year I’ll quit smoking, get in shape, stop drinking (idiots), get a better job, be nice to children . . . whatever your personal deal. Why do we wait for the new year or even the new week to begin? Why do we not just simply start living the best life we can immediately? I think it is our need for comfort.

We need to gear up for certain things before diving right into them. We tell ourselves we need this or that, but really what we want is stability. So your girlfriend turned out to be a douche and dumped you. Take a week and feel like shit, and then get over it. There’s no way you didn’t know she had that douche tendency, so buck up and accept the fact that you got caught up in the web of pain and indecision. Bad things happen and we move on. It is up to us when and how we wallow. It can consume you, but it’s not worth it. I have wallowed in self-pity, grief, heartbreak, betrayal, disappointment, and loss. It doesn’t really matter what your emotion or motivation might be, the bottom line is that you’re going to feel like crap until you snap the hell out of it.

My year has sucked. The husband was in a war zone and constantly at risk, I was in a new town trying to find work and friends, some family members had a rough time and a good friend and I parted ways. It has not been my favorite year, but it was a learning experience and I hope that this year I might finally put into practice what I’ve been preaching all these years and stop living a life that is not productive.

If someone in your life is hurtful dump them, if your job is a dead end change it, if you hate where you live move and if you are no longer growing as a person enlighten yourself. No one owes us happiness or success. Maybe you didn’t grow up in an affluent family or with career connections, it doesn’t matter. Your life is your responsibility and your choices are yours alone. No one else is responsible for your faulty decision-making so suck it up and do better. It’s twenty ten after all, it’s about time we get our shit together.

Day 212: Wanna Have Fun Tonight? Oh, Craigslist How I Love Thee.

Ten years ago when I moved to New York City, I discovered the miracle that is Craigslist. I also discovered rats, roaches as big as rats, and roommates who do not bathe, but that’s another blog. Craigslist or CL as we savvy insiders call it is an invaluable resource to a busy city dweller. You can find apartments, jobs, roommates, community groups and even people on CL. Oh yes, I said people. Using CL I met a group of female friends, a roommate or two I still keep in touch with, sports buddies to go to games with and the occasional romantic interest. It’s this last that I’m interested in today. Internet dating is no longer a radical idea and there are hundreds of genuine, relationship minded people on CL hoping to meet someone they really connect with, but there are also skanky, let’s hook up types and I love the shit out of every one of them.

Casual Encounters is what they call it and your choices range from men and women seeking each other, same sex couples seeking each other, those seeking threesomes or larger groups, couples seeking other couples and pre and post-op trannies seeking everything in between. I love the openness and freedom this posters seem to feel and I love even more the ads with pictures. It sounds strange, but I’m not talking about the graphic photos of genitalia or specific acts and those do exist. The ads that amuse me most are those that specifically list the type of encounter they are seeking, note their involvement in a long-term relationship and then post a photo . . . OF THEIR FACE!

I’m not prude, I’ve had my share of casual encounters precipitated by too much alcohol, darkly lit bars and loneliness, but in a face-to-face encounter the collateral damage is minimal. The internet, as some of you may have heard, is pretty popular so if you post an ad looking for a casual hook up while also stating you live with your partner and then post a headshot of yourself, you are asking for trouble. Well actually, I might be understating it a bit. If you do the above you are a complete freaking moron and your relationship is likely not long for this world.

I read these ads on a semi-regular basis. I know other people who read these ads. We read them because they are funny and entertaining in a voyeuristic, yes I’m going to judge you, sort of way. I’m not a fan of reality TV, magazines or beach read books, so I get my cheese in different places, but that is exactly what CL is when it comes to these ads. The casual encounters listings are hands down the craziest shit on the internet because they are real and people seem to think no one they might know is ever going to see them.

Well, I’ve got news for you, I see them and if I run across a pic of you and your partner is my friend or family member we’re going to have an issue. If that scenario does not happen, however, I’m happy for the mindless entertainment and judgment it allows me. I make no secret of my fondness for porn or real life sex, for that matter. Sex is a part of human nature and we all have certain urges we need or want satisfied. You want to find loving online, knock yourself out, it’s not any worse than a bar, but be smart people. It takes the fun out of it for those of us reading for enjoyment’s sake when I begin to view you as a real person and worry that your partner is going to get and be publicly humiliated. As long as everyone plays by the rules and keeps it anonymous, it’s just fun reading. It’s like porn for the extremely stupid and I can dig that.

Day 211: Champagne Birthday Wishes and Funny Video Dreams

I’ve never liked birthday cake. Maybe it’s something about that strange, Crisco-like frosting most bakeries use or the fake, too sugary roses common to decorators, whatever it is, I just don’t like the cakes. As a child I remember eating as small a slice as possible so that I could save room for Mom’s Christmas cookies still lingering from a few days earlier. Birthdays come with a host of pomp and circumstance and none of it holds any real appeal for me. I love other people’s birthdays, but when yours is squished between two of the biggest holidays of the year, it’s less of a rush. When you think about it, birthdays are the ultimate celebration of vanity . . . so I guess I should like them more.

I guess I could take the easy way out and say I am not a fan due to my reluctance to grow older, but really, I don’t feel old and I’m holding my own looks-wise, so it’s really not that. As much as I enjoy being the center of attention at times, I’m not a person that needs that “special day.” No wedding, no crazy birthday celebrations, no gifts to open. I dislike surprises and opening gifts is my nightmare. I also never like the fact that others surprise you with a cake of their design. I am a baker, I know what I like or would make for myself and those crappy birthday cakes almost always disappoint. Nope, birthday rituals are not for me.

Luckily, I have a husband who gets me and that means that my birthday is sometimes not celebrated at all or is enjoyed in a non-traditional way that he knows I will like. This year it is a champagne and chocolate tasting followed by dinner and two great gifts. His gift to me was letting me pick out an over-priced bottle of single malt scotch. Mom never would have given the gift of single malt and besides those dry, over-decorated cakes do not really hold up to the smooth, robustness of a 15 year-old. The other gift was indulging me in three straight hours of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Seriously, I love that show and I know that is pathetic.

I like my birthdays the way they are, understated and filled not with the superficial sentiment of a crowd, but instead with the sincere familiarity of those closest to me. I miss Mom more than I can convey, but she never understood my apathy to my own birthday and I always felt like I was disappointing her. If it is my day, then I want to spend it my way and that means under the radar for the most part. I’ll save the parties for Christmas and New Year’s. The last thing I want is more pressure to suck in my tummy and squeeze into my party dress while pretending to enjoy bad cake and small talk. It’s my party after all, I can be selfish if I want to.

Day 210: Not Everyone Celebrates a Birthday

I am fast approaching my 37^th birthday, despite my annual assertion that it is actually my 28^th birthday (this year being my 10^th annual 28^th birthday). I’m not a big birthday person. Having it smack in the middle of Christmas and New Year’s means that no one ever wants to go out and party and even if they did, no one wants to spend the extra money. It’s not a big deal really and several years in the past I have actually forgotten my own birthday and I feel fine about that. What is on my mind this year is not necessarily a new thought, but it is one that seems to be occupying my mind more and more: as an adoptee, do my biological parents think about me on my birthday?

I was born in 1972 at a time when open adoptions were a radical idea and closed adoptions thought best in order to protect both the adoptive parents and shamed biological ones. I do not have an original birth certificate, only one issued after my adoption was finalized bearing the names of my adoptive parents. Back then, the primary goal of adoption agencies was to shield the participants in the adoption and no one really thought about the child’s rights or desires. I have long wondered about my biological family and have searched for them, though not to the extent that I’ve petitioned courts or hired private assistance.

For many people adoption is a foreign concept, one you read about, but it never touches your real life. As a childless adult adoptee I do not know a single person who is blood related to me. Any resemblance to my family is purely coincidental and there is no medical history to clue me in to possible genetic risks. In many ways I am very much alone in the world and that is something I have carried with me subconsciously. That sense of solitariness is likely why I often feel that my actions do not affect anyone, it has given me license to act out in ways that has hurt friends and family. I feel more alone every day because of the sheer accidental circumstances of my birth.

It may not be correct, but it is my reality. These days I am struggling with balancing my solitude with loved ones. I tend to either put up with too much, allowing friends’ opinions of me to dictate my self-worth or throwing it all out and marching forward regardless of who I might hurt. Maybe I would be a different person if my biological parents made an effort to contact me and let me know that they do indeed think of me, but it doesn’t really matter. I am a grown woman, not a helpless child and it’s time I stop needing my Mommy. I do get that and I’m trying to resolve it, but just like having your Mom with you when you’re ill doesn’t actually cure you, sometimes it makes you feel a whole lot better. It would be nice to know they care, but I’ll live either way.

Day 209: True Connection is Found in the Strangest of Places

There is nothing quite like being trapped in a moving car with someone to give you an opportunity to really talk. I’ve had lots of fights in cars, a few sing-a-longs and one or two conversations of emotional depth. Such discussions always surprise me, both in terms of the genesis and the breadth. Today, the husband and I took a road trip home that should have taken around nine hours and ended at the 12 hour mark. There is lots of time to talk during a 12 hour drive, but really we don’t. We sleep, listen to music or talk radio, read or just sit in comfortable silence. There is chatter, of course, but not always true discussion as happened today and certainly not always one that leads to a breakthrough of sorts.
On some level I suppose it is interesting in and of itself that after five plus years we still have areas where emotional or relationship-based epiphanies are still possible. On the other hand, we are both people that have our private sides. Sure we share an enormous amount and know one another intimately, but I like still being occasionally surprised by him and I believe that knowing someone too well can actually be detrimental to your relationship. It’s nice to still have a little bit of mystery and it certainly does not hurt romantically. I know my husband exceedingly well, but he has a private side and a part of himself that is reserved even from me and I think that is good.
Today we just came a little bit closer to understanding how his more white and black views of the world and how he lives his life fits with my shades of gray. He sees certain things as “shortcuts” while I see them as simply creating a new option. This is where compromise and understanding is necessary. We do not need to think alike, but we need to have the ability to comprehend where each other’s motivations come from. I think it is perfectly okay to have different responses to the same situation, but if you cannot accept or understand the emotional or intellectual place from which those decisions are made, then you’re going to have a problem.
The husband and I do view a few key issues in very different ways, but our love for one another has always compensated for what is perhaps a lack of true understanding. Today, however, I think maybe all those hours trapped in a car gave us the ability to truly focus in and confront those things that might be holding us a back a bit. There is no lack of love and that has never been a question, but I think there is a window during which time couples are able to ignore certain differences in belief systems before they become critical. We’re good with most things and we never actually fight (a sure surprise to anyone who knows me), but those secrets and private sides of ourselves do not always correlate. It was a nice turn of events to suddenly have what otherwise might be uncomfortable work itself out. I guess sometimes sheer boredom and way too much together time equals productivity. We were pretty good before, but it just keeps getting better and that’s a fantastic place to be.

Day 208: Blah, Blah, Blog

No blog tonight. Well, not a real one. I'm tired, we're on the road again tomorrow and we just lost the keys for probably the third time in as many days. The holidays are great, but now it's almost two grand later and I really just want to be in my own place. I miss my frivolously large king size, my sweet, but annoyingly loud cat and my books. I find I am one of those travelers with short tolerances for the inconveniences away from home. If I am in a hotel I am happy, but staying with family and constantly being on the go is exhausting. I love to travel, but there's not much that's new or exotic in Wisconsin and Indiana and right now that's okay because the only thing I want is the comforts of home.