Saturday, December 5, 2009

Day 188: The Ups and Downs of Hot Opposite Sex Friends

Let’s talk about navigating the tricky and sometimes dangerous waters of opposite sex friends. I say tricky and dangerous for a few reasons. There is the issue of keeping the friend line secure and not crossing it, then there is the sometimes sticky concern of even having opposite gender friends when you are in a relationship or marriage and finally you have to constantly let it be known to prospective suitors that you are strictly friends so as not to damage chances of a hook-up. Once you lay it all out it seems almost too exhausting to bother. Then again, friends of the opposite sex can be incredibly rewarding in an altogether different way than your other friends. I have always had guy friends and the husband has respected it, but what I am now trying to balance is how to have single guy friends and not get in their way.

I am a greedy woman by nature. I like to be the center of attention and I prefer not to feel like the third wheel. Accordingly, I am not a wallflower when out with friends and this sometimes causes difficulties if a guy friend is trying to make a move on a girl or vice versa and I’m insinuating myself into the conversation. Add to this the fact that I tend not to have unattractive friends. I do not specifically have a no uglies policy, but all of my friends, male or female, have been attractive throughout my life. They have been of varying heights and weights, but basically attractive. So when you have hot friends of the opposite sex it only makes sense that you want them to only put the moves on people you deem to be attractive. It is bad for my ego if I’m out with a guy friend and he decides that rather than hang with me, he’s going to try to hook up with the semi-attractive girl a few stools over. I mean, what the hell, you’d seriously rather try to hook up with a marginally attractive girl than have a stimulating, drunken conversation with me?

It’s the ego. I am an arrogant woman in addition to the selfishness thing. I realize I do not offer the benefits of a single girl, but still, I hope I’m more stimulating just because I’m smart, entertaining and not completely unattractive. This is the difference between men and women friends. Women take everything as a judgment. I completely understand and will even help you land the hot chick, but don’t throw me over for someone who my dog wouldn’t hump. Still, it’s not all about that. Sometimes I find myself almost apologizing for being friends with a guy when I can tell a girl likes him. She gives me little looks trying to size me up, deciding if I am competition or not. So there I am, blatantly showing off my wedding ring, gratuitously telling stories about my husband, politely inquiring about her. In all honesty, I could care less about her and I don’t want my friend to hook up with her. I want my guy friends to show undying devotion to me and to forego their personal lives to assuage my selfish ego.

This is not the way the world works of course, and though I am selfish, I also care about my friends. I am a good wingwoman and will help them get the girl. Just because I’d rather have a devoted husband and devoted guy friends who chose celibacy just for the chance to talk to me does not mean I am blind to reality. This still leaves a difficult path, however, in that at some point the guy friends will meet a girl and then he won’t want to be my guy friend so much. He’ll chose his girl over me and then, there goes my ego. I still think guy friends are easier than women friends, but at some point the girl gets the guy and she doesn’t like me doing shots with her man. Not all that sure the husband likes that either, but after five years he’s learned when something is worth a fight and when to just roll his eyes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Day 187: I Don't Want to be Like the President

Why do we insist on trying to create leaders from people who are just like us? Those people who describe a politician as real, down to earth, reminds me of someone I’d hang out with, etc. are missing the most important point. DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR DUMBASS NEIGHBOR RUNNING YOUR GOVERNMENT? Sure, they’re nice to have over for a BBQ or at the block party, but Sue and Ed aren’t exactly White House material. I’m sorry Sarah Palin and George Bush Jr. supporters, but the reasons you gave for liking these two politicians are practically a guidebook for what not to vote into office. This is not to say that it is limited to Republicans, there are plenty of stupid Democrats out there as well, these are just the two most recent examples that fit this model. Still don’t get where I’m going with this? Well jump aboard the logic train and I’ll help you figure it out.

I am a smart person. Most of my friends are smart people. Smart is great at a dinner party, but we’re talking about the leader of the free world. Smart isn’t going to cut it, I need you to be really fucking ahead of the curve. How many times in the last decade have you heard candidates for higher offices criticized for being too “ivory tower,” “too smart” or “too contemplative”? Um, it’s kind of an important job, maybe our emphasis should be on finding someone highly intelligent rather than on finding someone who we can relate to. I don’t want to relate to those in charge, I want to believe they are smarter, more educated, more experienced and more worldly than I am. Come on, we’re not talking about running the tailgate; this is slightly more complex. Do you really want your poker buddy to have the nuclear codes?

I do appreciate a politician that is able to put things in terms that might make more sense to me, but there is a line on the folksy down to earth talk. Sure you don’t have to go to Harvard or Princeton, but whatever school you go to, I think you should have an average higher than a C minus. You should also understand the grammatical structure and syntax of our language and perhaps your leadership experience should extend to a population larger than that of the mall on Black Friday. Sure, you could argue that however educated and charismatic you are, committing adultery in the Oval office is not all that bright, but banging a marginally attractive chick does not necessarily negate from your foreign policy experience. Yes I liked Clinton, still like him and love the wife, they are proven leaders with tons of experience. There have also been conservative leaders I respect, but that’s not the point.

What is the point, you ask? Well, it stemmed from a video of a Sarah Palin book signing. I don’t dislike Ms. Palin. She’s a strong, opinionated woman and I dig that, I also think she is actually quite bright and very savvy. The woman has made a career for herself out of nothing, but she has VERY limited actual political experience and that is my main issue with her. Bush Jr. sets off way more alarm bells, but people seem to like these two for the same reasons. The plain speak. It makes those in the middle feel more comfortable and less like they are being talked down to. Well you know what, if you’re the leader of the free world I want you to have to speak down to me for the sheer reason that you are so much more intelligent and politically experienced. Wisdom, experience and education are not bad things. So if you want to chill with me at the bar, have a drink and watch Sportscenter, then you betcha, I’m in. If, however, you want to be President I’m going to need a little more from you.

Day 186: I Don't Know About Christ, but I Want to put the Cookies Back in Christmas

With just three weeks until Christmas, my favorite consumer holiday, I am a little bit blue. In the seventeen years I have lived on my own I have only had a tree once. Do not mistake me for a Scrooge kind of woman, I love decorating for the holidays. I come from a family where every room, including the bathroom, was carefully and laboriously decorated each year. My own failing in this area is largely because I have lived in apartments and always traveled at the holidays. It’s just not as charming to take the time to lovingly pick out and decorate a tree if you’re not there to enjoy it and come home to dead needles all over the floor. No, in my house Christmas is a transient holiday, one that I travel to, not one that exists at home. If I were the religious type this would be the perfect opportunity to make the Christian wet dream come true and put “Christ” back in Christmas, but instead I choose to ignore all the religious implications and focus on baking and shopping. Sorry baby Jesus.

It’s not that I don’t want to decorate, I’ve been lugging around boxes full of decorations for the entire 17 years, but in the most recent years I’ve foregone even opening them. What I do enjoy is the baking and wrapping of gifts. I’m what you might call an obsessive holiday baker. Since the tree thing and decorations have fallen off, I put all my energy into baking and if I don’t get to bake, it’s not Christmas. A dozen different cookies, two types of coffee cake, six varieties of candy . . . screw the tree, the baked goods are the heart of the holiday. My other great love is wrapping gifts. I love the tissue, the variety of wrapping, bows, ribbons, sharp scissors and the blessed invention for all good gift wrappers: double sided tape. It was never so much the tree on its own that made it Christmas, it was the sight of all the carefully gift-wrapped presents underneath and the many platters of cookies and candy.

This year, however, I am missing the tree. Not sure why after so many years it’s now weighing on me, maybe I am just ready to settle in my own home for the holidays. The annual pilgrimage home to celebrate with family for the week means I am never quite able to just be at home. I want to be cooking and baking on Christmas Eve. I want to sit in my living room aglow from the lights on the tree and burning candles. I love my family and when I don’t get to spend the holiday with them I miss it terribly, but I hate being gone the entire week and forfeiting my own holiday traditions. In some ways I feel like I am stuck at the kiddie table, just waiting until I can graduate to the same traditions all the grown-ups celebrate. There’s no tree, no wrapped gifts, and no kids up at the crack of dawn excitedly begging for it to be time to open presents. All my memories of Christmas remain just that and I’m ready to start making some holiday memories of my own.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 185: I Bet Obama's Never Been so Happy Someone Else is Getting Laid

Just 24 hours after the President announced an increase of thirty thousand troops deploying to Afghanistan, a war which is becoming increasingly unpopular, you’d expect to hear all sorts of criticism, complaints and analysis. Despite this expectation, what I’ve read, watched, heard and debated is the Tiger Woods saga. I’m calling it a saga mainly because of the overwrought melodrama injected by all the speculation of media, gossip mags and the public. We are looking at three more years of war in Afghanistan and perhaps a longer period depending on how extended the withdrawal process becomes. So why are we only talking about the personal life of someone none of us actually know?

I am the first to admit that I was not a fan of Tiger when he broke onto the golf scene. I felt that winning was too easy for him and that he needed to pay his dues and earn his place of honor in the golf world. He has since won me over with years of dedication and hard work. I like golf, I like watching golf and I like watching Tiger because you never know when his next great shot might happen. I don’t watch him hoping for great interviews or displays of frivolity. Tiger is a consummate professional when it comes to golf and it’s solely because of golf that he is famous. So no, I don’t care about his personal life. I am not interested in his marriage or if he is faithful to his wife. I also don’t want to know if you are faithful in your relationships or if that cut on your forehead is because you actually did run into the medicine cabinet.

In some ways, Obama caught a break. Troop levels will increase with a limited amount of negative criticism and debate. Even criticism of healthcare reform took a backseat to the TW saga. As someone who supports both our President’s efforts to reform healthcare and the troop increase (yes, I’m still a pacifist) I am somewhat glad for the distraction. Even so, I am incredibly disturbed by how obsessed we all seem to be when we find out a celebrity is not perfect. Shocking to know they are actually real people with complicated lives, flaws and temptations, eh?

I’ve heard people criticize him because Tiger is a role model. My argument on this point is that he is and should remain a role model as an athlete. He takes his job very seriously and is an excellent example of work ethics and professionalism. He does not gossip or ridicule fellow golfers, keeps his personal life out of the media (until he couldn’t anymore) and does not show up drunk or doing drugs in gossip magazine photos. I would be happy to have a child look up to him as a role model. I do not, however, believe that we should allow ourselves or our children to confuse public roles models with personal and ethical role models. A great leader does not necessarily equal a great person. Tiger is a man. His skill lies not in Mother Theresa-like humanity, but in golf. I wouldn’t want to be judged for the skeletons in my closet either, but you’re welcome to judge me for what I put out into the world on purpose. My blog, my public opinions, my work, but back up off my personal life, because if you didn’t catch the title, it’s PERSONAL.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Day 184: Saying no to Healthcare = Saying no to Almost Everything

Yesterday while reading the reader comments about an article outlining the Stupak Amendment I came across someone who finally put everything I’ve been thinking, saying and when all else failed shouting, to anyone who would listen. This particular comment came as a response to another reader who wrote that not only did he not want his taxes to pay for someone else’s abortion, but that he did not want his tax dollars to pay for someone else’s medical care (as in the health care reform currently being debated in the senate). In a society without taxes, this argument might hold water, but like it or not we are a socialist society in at least a small way. We all pay taxes that go into a pool and the government decides who gets what. None of us get to decide what we pay for out of our taxes; if we did I’d have drafted my wish list years ago. Sometimes things happen we don’t like, the democracy part of our nation means while you get a voice, you don’t have ultimate authority, so suck it up and at least be happy that your taxes might help someone else. This isn’t about choice, it’s about health care and the obligation we all have to give back and to help those that need it most. Here is the reader comment protesting democratic use of tax dollars and following that, the comments attributed only to “JM.”

“Not only do I not want to pay for other people’s abortions through my taxes, I don’t want to pay for other people (sic) doctor visits, broken arms or viagra with my taxes. Those are things that an individual is responsible for, not the federal government. If you can’t afford an abortion, DON’T HAVE SEX!”


JM Says:

“Okay. But in exchange, you have to turn in all your matches, electrical appliances, firewood, your oven, and let’s see, what kind of heating do you have?? Because I’m not going to let my taxes fund the fire department’s trip to your house just because you left the toaster on for too long or whatever. Also, I kinda hope you’re one of those armed-to-the-teeth Republicans or Libertarians because perhaps you should be cut off from law enforcement services as well. You seem like one who could be a bit pugnacious, I don’t want my hard-earned tax dollars to pay to break up your bar brawls. Oh yeah, and sorry man, all 5 branches of the military, Homeland Security and all that, all paid for by taxes and likely another public service that doesn’t directly benefit to you.


You bought insurance though, you should be good.


Your post was written fairly well, where did you go to school? Chances are, even if it was private, it got some taxpayer money via government grant money, perhaps you’ll be paying that back? Oh, and how do you get around? I hope you don’t expect to be using any of those taxpayer-funded roads you’re used to, maybe I don’t want to pay for the stretch of road that leads from your house to your job.

On a basic level, we pay taxes in order to receive services from our government. On another level, maybe one that appeals to you more, our government provides us with services and public benefits so that we can function as an efficient capitalist system and a healthy society.

You may have a problem with a variety of people having non-procreative sex, apparently ranging from fertile women to old men with “issues” but those are really peripheral attention grabbers calculated to manipulate your attention and abuse your passion and intellect. A more effective health care system will mean a better functioning economy, more GDP, etc. etc. (plus, it’s just humane).

I doubt that you would deny a woman who was beaten and raped assistance from the police, would you? What if her arm were broken, should she have to choose between going broke under a mountain of medical expenses or letting it heal however it pleases? What if she were pregnant by her attacker? And what if she were a child or someone that you care for but can’t afford to pay for?

About the expectation thing, that’s called a discount rate, the higher your discount rate, the lower your investment in the unknown future, and the more you consume in the present. If you have a low discount rate, you invest more in your future as you’re more willing to forgo benefits in the present for unknown benefits in the future, in large part because you feel secure enough to do so. Buying insurance is a sign of a low discount rate. 
BUT if you can’t make enough money to make ends meet, you have no choice but to have a high discount rate. The phrase, “living hand to mouth” comes to mind, there’s nothing left over beyond basic subsistence to be invested in some cloudy unknown. That’s partly how poor countries end up with pollution issues and it’s how the bulk of uninsured people end up without insurance. 


Very few people choose to gamble with their lives and livelihoods if they’re given a choice and what kind of a country are we if we force their hands?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Day 183: Confidence or Cockiness? Judging Sexual Prowess

I came across an amusing article today that got me thinking about what we think we know and why we know it. The article was about things people say they do better in the bedroom than anyone else. Now I’m not about to wander down the path of pondering why this article seemed necessary to some editor in the first place, I’m just going to say a quick prayer of thanks for giving me such easy material and move on from there. I do have some questions about who the intended audience of this piece might be, I read it for its satire potential, but I bet there are others out there who actually read it with real interest. This concerns me and also makes me question how I cannot find a decent writing job, but the idiot responsible for this drivel gets a paycheck. Anyway, I digress.

Eight different acts were detailed in the piece. Some I am familiar with, some seemed made up, but that’s not what I find so amusing. Primarily consisting of eight quotes of varying length, this is not so much a story as it is just a list of eight people’s personal preferences in the bedroom. I have to admire the confidence these people exhibit, I mean, we’re all good at something, but to put your technique or specific act out there and claim it is the best is a little pompous. I’m not doubting that any particular couple is not enjoying said talent as much as claimed, but where does the “better than anyone else” part enter into it?

How do we compare skill sets? I make a mean grilled cheese and tomato, but I’m guessing preference is more a matter of personal subjectivity than its actually being better than anyone else’s. When it comes to something as personal as intimacy, how do you even compare? I suppose if you are on the receiving end of a particular act you can compare to past encounters involving the same act, but these quotes were given by the doers, so how can they tell if they are the best? You may think your kissing technique is fantastic, and just because your partner does not complain or tell you otherwise, does not mean it actually is. I once dated a guy for a month who kissed with all wet sloppiness of a bucket of slime, but I never told him it was awful, I just finally dumped him when I couldn’t take it anymore.

There are plenty of skills that we can measure, but I don’t believe intimacy is one of them. Besides that, most of these people were hardly original. I’m sorry Melissa from Portland, but your super secret ice cube trick isn’t so much a secret or a trick. Just because your guy likes it, doesn’t mean you’re a master. Some things are so personal and so much a matter of individual preference that even the concept for an article like this, written in a non-comedic way, is ridiculous and pointless. I think it’s great that these eight people have such supportive partners as to make them feel ultra confident in their abilities, but what about those susceptible readers who think this is some sort of handbook? Not everybody likes to have their lips licked before a kiss, Chris from Chicago, and now someone else is going to have to tolerate that because of you.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Day 182: I'd Never Trade my Football Friends for Productivity

I love football. I don’t remember when watching football growing up turned into a true passion for me, but somewhere along the line I transitioned from a kid watching with my Pop to a true aficionado. I also love fantasy football. I realize there are more important things I could be doing with my time. I don’t volunteer as much as I should, I still have not started my novel and I’ve pretty much given up on advancing any type of career. Still, football is as much a part of my life as my love of reading, family and baking. It might be considered frivolous by some, but if something gives you joy can it ever truly be worthless?

Football and fantasy fb have not just been an enjoyable hobby, they have brought me closer to my Father, my brother and my husband. I have made friends while watching games that I actually spend time with after the season is over. I realize I’m not building houses for Habitat for Humanity, but the relationships I’ve built are certainly real and that makes even a silly hobby worthwhile. Football is something I look forward to all year, it is the highlight of my holiday season. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and even my birthday do not bring me nearly the excitement that a single Steelers game does.

I never played sports as a child and to this day I’m not really a team player, preferring to work alone and even many of my recreational activities I do alone. So the football season and smack talking during fantasy match-ups are my major attempts at social interaction. Watching a game in a roomful or stadium full of fans gives a rush you cannot get when you watch alone. I’m sure that had I ever played a team sport as a kid I might be less of a loner, but I can live without the missed socialization. What I cannot imagine living without is the rush of high-fiving a complete stranger after a big play just because we’re both wearing Steelers jerseys.

Yes, I’m basically sitting on my ass, drinking beer, eating unhealthy food and screaming at a TV, but I love it and would not trade it for even the most productive of hobbies. Sometimes you need to give yourself permission to just love what makes you happy. So I’m going to keep sitting on my butt and maybe trade in some other hobbies to make more time for volunteering and writing. Where would I be without all my football buddies. Ben, Tim, Steve, Eric, Amanda, Jen, and those other handful of fans I see and talk to every week without ever knowing their names – these are my friends for at least the next two months and that is enough for me.

Day 181: Drunken Antics Mean I am Normal

I am drunk. Not a little bit drunk, or I shouldn't have driven home drunk, but very, very out of control drunk. Just this minute I actually got out of bed because I realized I had yet to write my blog. Despite the objections of my husband and the extreme difficulty I am facing in attempting to correctly spell words in my blog I am awake and typing. I had a great night, dinner with the husband and then drinks and karaoke with friends, but now I find that I over did it somehow. What is it about alcohol that makes us want to push past any known boundary and create our own danger zone?

I had a great time tonight and do not regret a moment of it, but I recognize that tomorrow I will be singing a different tune when I am hungover and stuck in bed. It has been a while since I let myself get drunk, but now that the husband is home it felt safe somehow. This in itself is strange since he has been drunk twice already, but both times I volunteered to be the designated driver. Tonight, however, we were out with my friends and I let myself go wherever the alcohol took me and it just so happened that it took me way over the edge. I believe there is a certain truthfulness in drunkeness, but you must also temper that with your own reality. Obviously what helps one person might not be the same for the other. Still, I feel fairly confident that my friends tonight were not trying to advance their own agenda. I have had a few friends that I gave all of myself to and it didn't work out, but their are some that continue to linger despite constant changes.

We all allow ourselves a lapse in judgement now and again, but what is important is that we don't give away everything to just anyone. For all my boasting about drinking, I actually do not drink that much and when I do I am extremely careful about who I drink around. If I am too drunk to drive I prefer to walk and if I can't walk I'd rather stay with a friend than rely on a taxi. Even so, we don't always have the best judgement when we are drunk so I'd like to spend my last minute of consciousness (because I feel the blackout coming on) telling all those I've drank with and relied upon how much I appreciated it. I am a control freak, but we all have our limits so if you have called me a cab, put me up at your place or taken me home, thank you.

I like to think I have excellent instincts and I cannot honestly say that anyone I have ever befriended has turned out to be a bad egg, but still, it's nice to know that you can count on someone. Tonight that person happened to be my husband and it felt so good for that to be true again. I am drunk. I will likely pass out within the next five minutes and tomorrow I will be horribly hungover and sick, but even so, what I really long for is a safe place. I know Jeff won't judge me for being drunk, but it makes me wonder how many others will or might. I do not have a drinking problem, I have a tolerance problem. I just cannot seem to tolerate most people when I am drunk. So let me have my fun and we'll get back to the seriousness later.