Day 194: Who is Qualified to Judge Your Sex Life?

I am so sick of the Tiger Woods “story.” At this point, I don’t care about the actual facts or the gossip, I just want it to go away. What might also be nice, or at least beneficial in the way of achieving a break from the public bemoaning of Tiger’s personal life, is if a lot of those people would just go get laid themselves. What gives any of us the right to judge the personal and private affairs of another person? I don’t care if it’s your neighbor, your daughter or a celebrity. Back off people and mind your business.

I am not suggesting that what Tiger has admitted to and been alleged to have done is wise or admirable, what I am saying is that what he has or has not done is none of our damn business. All of the people suddenly down on Tiger or claiming to have always disliked him are not exactly helping his wife. Public speculation and even support on an extremely personal and humiliating experience is still likely to be unwelcome. In addition, we don’t know anything about their home life. Perhaps they had an arrangement. Perhaps Elin is gay or also cheating. Perhaps it’s not our place to speculate.

It appears that I am in the minority, because whenever I hear a story like this, be it Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods or a friend, I’m not that upset. Relationships are complicated and while we all want and crave love, sex is a necessity. Our bodies have a physiological response to someone we are attracted to because we are meant to bump and grind – biologically this is likely for procreation, but prophylactics do not mean you body needs it any less. Clearly, this should not be interpreted to mean that you should bang anyone you want despite being in a relationship, but it does make it more difficult for some more in tune with their sexuality. Not everyone views sex as the most heinous of transgressions when in a relationship. Sex is biological; fidelity is moral. Is it wrong because it is factually wrong, or because we have decided as a society that it is?

Clearly there were other problems going on in that household, evidenced most clearly by the fact that the wife was checking his phone which is a huge transgression of privacy. Another big tip to problems in the Woods’ household is the fact that Tiger did not just have an affair, he appears to have chased every skirt he came into contact with. They had problems, both reacted poorly. The heart of the matter, when it comes to the public’s outrage, is our moral and yes religious roots that tell us it is wrong and unfair that someone should get to have his cake and eat it too. Did Tiger betray his wife if she was not on board with him straying, yes. I do not argue the point, but I think we all need to stop using sex as a weapon. Gay sex is offensive to some people, kinky sex is offensive to some people, sex with oneself is offensive to some people. Why the hell is anyone else’s sex life even open to your scrutiny? Maybe your safe, boring, lifelong monogamy is offensive to me. Still not the point. It doesn’t matter if it is wrong, it matters that it’s not your place to judge.

If Tiger and his wife cannot get past this, it is their issue to debate, argue and ultimately act upon. The same is true of your sex life, because IT IS YOURS. Leave other people’s bedroom antics, infidelity and fetishes alone and focus on your own lives. No one is asking you to cheat or to accept or admire Tiger for his actions. You just need to recognize it as none of your concern and stop obsessively reading the gossip columns for tiny nuggets of truth hidden in vats of slimy trash. I doubt you want me in your bedroom judging your habits and trust me, your delicate little hearts couldn’t take mine.

Day 193: "Happy Holidays" is Not the Same as Pissing on the Baby Jesus

Happy Holidays! This cheerful greeting seems to be causing quite a stir in recent years. For some reason, many of you out there seem to get all hot and bothered (and not in the good, I just accidentally rubbed up against Matthew McConaughey way) about people saying happy holidays instead of the less secular “Merry Christmas.” Why all the hostility over a chosen greeting? It’s not like people are saying “I Shit on Christmas!” Now there is even a Facebook group called something like “I say Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays.” All the fuss kind of makes me want to ask, who the hell cares you self-obsessed little whiners?

I love Christmas, I was raised in a very happy and Christmas-centric household, but living in more diverse places taught me that not everyone celebrates the same way. Christmas is a Christian holiday at heart, but many of us choose to not celebrate that aspect of it and embrace the beauty and wonderment of sparkly decorations, holiday baking and excessively wrapped presents. It is the best of the consumer holidays and never fails to make me happy. Despite the religious overtones of many of the traditional Christmas carols I belt them out loud and proud, mainly because the irony of a drummer boy kickin’ it at the manger cracks me up.

Even with all my Christmas cheer (a perpetual joy I manage by being grumpy the other 11 months of the year to save it all up for the holidays) I recognize that others are still celebrating, though it may not be Christmas. Chanukah, Kwanzaa and whatever holidays celebrated by those other equally valid religions I don’t know anything about, all deserve a little cheer and acknowledgment too. So why not say Happy Holidays? It’s not a swipe at Jesus, it’s just an acceptance that we are different. If you cannot embrace tolerance at the holidays then when can you and for that matter, how good of a Christian can you possibly be? So many people have forgotten the true message behind Christianity: acceptance, tolerance, peace, blah, blah, blah.

The holidays are a time to be happy, enjoy family and friends, spend too much money on crap no one needs and eat excessive amounts of high-fat, calorically laden foods. If we cannot find it in our hearts to be tolerant of others at this time of year, then we might as well just give up all pretense and start beating the crap out of everyone who does not think like us. My policy is and has been for a long time, to say Merry Christmas back to those who say it to me first and Happy Holidays in all other instances, unless I know you’re Jewish in which case I will say Happy Chanukah. What can I say, I just want everyone to be happy. I’m a giver like that.

Day 192: Some Traditions Soothe You Body and Soul

I am a drinker. In fact, I am slow to trust those that choose not to drink. Alcoholism aside, drinking is a social ritual and one that need not lead to blatant intoxication. A robust and decadent wine can bathe you in a feeling of indulgence, creating a soothing sensation of richness and warmth. The perfect cocktail, expertly matched to your mood will lift you up, it’s happy buoyancy reaffirming your positive world view. It can also sink down with you, quiet and commiserating company to your lonely misery. Drinking is as much a tradition as your holiday customs and one that should be equally well preserved.

Despite my being late to drinking, I have committed great amounts of time and energy to building my tolerance and expanding beyond the fruity vodka drink or easily palatable blush wine of my twenties. Spirits and wine now represent trusted companions and I choose my friends very carefully. I have never been one simply to drink for the sake of drinking. I much prefer water or hot tea to a cocktail most times throughout the day, but there are always those moods or occasions that cry out for the perfect complement. An afternoon with friends, holiday celebrations, late nights out, brunch or luxurious moments alone, all can be paired with a libation to enhance your emotional state.

The feel of a quality glass in your hand and the supple, pleasantly pungent taste of the proper alcoholic accompaniment sometimes is an occasion in and of itself. There are, of course, those moments when we all over-indulge and at those times it ceases to be about the joy and comfort of the ritual. Drunkenness leads you to a state in which it matters not if you drink a single malt or fine wine, aged and tended to laboriously or a can of the cheapest and warmest swill beer. I sometimes believe that those who do not drink by choice are under the misguided notion that the only point of drinking is intoxication. This mistake is often precipitated by copious recreational drinking involving keg stands, jello shots and harry buffalo punch while still in high school or college. True drinking is about the experience, the ritual, the quality barware and spirits you would never, ever drink from a plastic cup.

I have fallen in love over the right wine and nursed a breaking heart with whiskey. Most of my favorite vacations would not evoke such happy memories had rum drinks, sangria and concoctions aptly titled “Governor’s House” not been consumed. One of my most beloved restaurants in New York is loved first for it’s massive pitchers of freshly made mojitos rather than the delicious Cuban tapas. Friendships that otherwise might have died for lack of common interests or never been born in the first place, have well-timed and tended cocktails to blame. I respect your restraint, but feel it is unnecessary. Imbibe, enjoy, relax and let your taste buds and mind take a journey inspired by the exotic flavors of Spain, Ireland, California’s Central Coast, Russia, South Africa, Japan or Italy. Raise a glass, make a friend, meet a lover or just soothe your soul – whatever you do, I know a spirit or wine that can do it with you.

Day 191: Please Stop Naming Your Children After Strippers

Tonight we watched an episode of Southpark that we soon discovered was airing on MTV. This little fact came sharply into focus when Southpark ended and something called “16 and Pregnant” began. I stopped watching anything on MTV after year two of The Real World so just having MTV on was a shock. First instinct for both of us was to lunge for the remote and change the channel, but after the teaser I was hooked. This show appeared to be a complete piece of trash and it made good on that promise. What intrigued me was that it seemed almost impossible to believe that these girls could turn out any other way.

The evidence is present in their names, socio-economic status and parents. The girls were named Maci, Amber, Catelynn and Farrah. So right off I’m thinking if they had not gotten knocked up at 16, they would clearly grow up to be strippers. Next, they were all from tiny to relatively small towns and none seemed to have any aspirations aside from a GED or high school diploma. Thirdly, their parents were mostly horrible. One of whom actually called her daughter a bitch on camera. I had some horrific fights with my Mother when I was a teenager, but I don’t think I ever even heard her use the word bitch, let alone call me that.

My favorite couple just due to extreme dysfunction, tried to be responsible, moving away from damaging home environments to get a place together. The boyfriend was so clueless as to how adulthood and parenthood worked that he immediately spent $500 on a Playstation 3 and some sort of game package. After being strongly admonished by his pregnant teenage girlfriend he tried to return it (not sure if he was successful) before buying his baby mama a $21.40 engagement ring from Walmart. Um, yes, that’s correct. Dad spent $500 on a game system and a whopping $21 on an engagement ring. After watching that I actually punched my husband in the shoulder as an expression of female outrage toward selfish and stupid men everywhere.

Okay, got off the point there a bit, but what I’m trying to say (and badly) is that if you name your kid a stripper name, parent like you hate your kids, are too exhausted from working too many jobs to make ends meet and never teach your children to want better, there is a good chance they will not achieve better. Sometimes we are self-fulfilling prophecies. It is difficult to see outside of your narrow world view when no one opens up a window for you. These girls seem doomed to continue the cycle of their own parents. Having money or education does not mean you will turn out to be a great person any more than being poor and uneducated dooms you to unhappiness, but a stripper name lasts a lifetime.

Day 190: Keeping Up With the Virtual Jones'

Is Facebook the new keeping up with the Jones’? Is it actually necessary for us to post all of our daily activities online? I am as guilty as everyone else, I didn’t have much of a filter before Facebook and now it is even easier to bare my soul to the world, virtual or otherwise. Funny updates are always good, enlightening updates are also appreciated, but do we need to know that you’re navigating a public restroom or out to dinner with friends? The more I think about the FB epidemic, the more I perceive it as our current way of competing with one another. It used to be bigger homes, nicer yards, a better car – these were our methods of gauging our personal success. Now, we compare weekend plans, vacations, children’s photos and love lives all courtesy of that little status bar beckoning us to share.

I feel the pressure, but still straddle the line on a daily basis. I certainly do not want to post embarrassing moments or unattractive photos of myself (as a woman who tends to be very unphotogenic, there are lots of those in existence) so I opt for cute and/or skinny photos. Still, I think it’s sometimes funny to mock myself, so I’m game to put up goofy or retro, big-hair and shoulder pad photos too. I am just as narcissistic as the next insecure, shallow woman, but I recognize it about myself so at least I approach it with a sense of humor. There are those days, however, when I read the updates of my friends and feel like I’m not living up to the exciting lifestyle they are pursuing. Unlike Evan and his girl, I am not constantly hitting the slopes or living my own personal mini X-games life. Nor am I hitting the latest music scene in the Bay area or even navigating the commuters of my beloved NYC.

Facebook makes me a little bit envious of all of you. Yes, your family is beautiful, your trip looks like a dream vacation, your hobbies more exciting than shots at the pub. I read what you are doing and think how can I possibly compete? Every day I find myself searching for the exciting, entertaining or at the very least, mildly amusing, anecdote in my daily events. I’m not looking to lie or elaborate, I just want to seem as cool as all of you. So while in the past, we worried about what car the Jones’ had in their driveway, these days I’m not even sure if you have a car, but I know exactly what your dinner plans are and I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.

Day 189: I'd LIke to Sit All Over Your Invocation

A Rabbi, an Atheist and some Army guys were all at a football game this Sunday. This sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn’t it? Well, it’s actually how I spent my afternoon and it started me thinking about what we take for granted and the judgments we make about people not like us. It started with the announcement that we should stand for the invocation, which was delivered by a local Rabbi. This was the first time I’ve ever been at a game for an invocation. I’m not sure if this is because I’m usually not in my seat that early, or other teams simply do not have one, but whatever the reason I was a bit surprised and unsure how to handle it.

As everyone else rose, I remained seated, not to be disrespectful, but simply because I am not a believer and it seems both compromising and disingenuous to pretend otherwise. A sharp look from the husband, who was there with a group of Army troops and I slowly rose to my feet. I did the respectful thing and it did not hurt me to do so, but I was beginning to anger underneath. Why do I have to show respect so as not to offend everyone else? Are my beliefs not to be respected as well? Had I remained sitting down, there would inevitably be people shaking their heads in disapproval and possibly even one or two who felt the need to chastise me verbally. My own husband was embarrassed that I did not want to stand up and would have felt uncomfortable had I chosen to remain seated in front of his soldiers.

I have no issue with respecting your beliefs, my issue is that no one seems to respect mine. I am in a minority group when it comes to my chosen religious beliefs, but since when is being in a minority group a crime? We live in a democratic society, which says I cannot be persecuted for my religious beliefs and yet I am repeatedly put in situations in which I am expected to just “go along” or “not make a scene.” I do not want to make a scene. I am not choosing a path simply to be different, I am following what I believe in a relatively quiet way. I do not canvas my neighbors to join my cause, I do not expect guests in my home to renounce God. By the same token, if I am a guest in your home and you choose to say grace before dinner, I will stand or sit quietly, not praying, but not objecting either. That is respect. If I asked you or my husband to sit down with me during the invocation at a public venue to support me, would you do it? Doubtful.

I am not respected as a member of a minority group, I am considered an outsider. Where is the respect for my right to believe there is no higher power? True, we have freedom of religion in this country, not freedom from religion, but I look at atheism as my chosen religious belief. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to respect it.