Day 235: Fuck You Asshole Lady

Tonight I was reminded of a funny story that happened a few years ago when we lived in New York. There was no reason to remember it, the husband and I were joking around and I suddenly through out the catch phrase from that incident and we both remembered it simultaneously. That got me to thinking about all the things in life that happen to us and then we somehow, without ever realizing it, forget. If we had the power to remember more then so many people and events in our past would not have to be lost forever. I would love, for instance, to remember my Mother more when I was a child, but she was a commonplace fact of my life then and except for a few instances nothing stands out.

Would we be better off if we could remember more? The picnics, rainy afternoons, forgotten childhood friendships and family dinners we never thought were noteworthy could be the golden moments of our past. Then again, with so many memories to call upon would we lose the special significance our memories hold for us? Is it possible to gain insight from more knowledge of the everyday or do we have insight because what we do remember was significant to us for a particular reason?

Jeff has a much better short-term memory than I do. Aside from what he was wearing the night we met, what I was wearing on our first date and a few other moments of importance things are a blur. If I could increase my ability to remember, might it make me seem like a more caring individual even if it’s just factual remembrances? It’s all so confusing to me and since I am gifted with a very detailed long-term memory for some things and a complete blank slate for others, it is an especially interesting concept to ponder.

Either way, the truth remains that those long forgotten memories that suddenly come back to you are precious. I don’t know if it’s because of the event itself or the newly rediscovered memory, but they matter even when they are silly. So the next time you get into an argument with a Chinese man at a noodle house and he kicks you out of the restaurant and follows you outside to yell, “Fuck you asshole lady” maybe you’ll commit it to memory or maybe it will just all come back when you least expect it.

Day 234: The Unpaid Parts of Life are Harder

Everyone has a job. In fact, most of us have more than one job, we just don’t always get paid for all the work we do. Sometimes, the actual prep work is more lengthy and exhausting than the employment itself, but that is the thankless part of our lives. The average working woman for instance gets up way too early, puts in the work to make herself look presentable, gets the kids up, helps them to get ready, makes lunches, makes sure everyone has breakfast, cleans up the breakfast dishes, gets everyone out the door and finally gets herself to work. This is sometimes three hours worth of work before she actually clocks in and no one’s paying her for this or the five hours of work she’s facing once she leaves the office. I don’t have a real source of employment at the moment, but I can tell you that looking for work, managing my own home and life and prepping to apply for grad school is harder than any job I could get. Where’s my paycheck?

It’s tiring and frustrating doing all this work and receiving no tangible reward. Work was never this hard and at least at a job there is usually someone giving you some direction. Real life provides no instruction and no pay for doing what we have to do. I’ve had somewhere in the neighborhood of 45 jobs since I was 15 and right now, this whole looking for work, trying to go back to school, keeping my shit together is the hardest of them all. I get up every day and have no idea where to start. Just to even get a letter of reference written there are 5-8 steps involving research, reading, phone calls, emails, pre-writing of the letter, registration at the school’s site, etc. That’s for one letter. In addition to the letters there are a dozen other things I have to do to apply to school and studying for and taking the GRE are pretty hefty on the time/energy scale.

I’ve never been a great housekeeper, but when I am so overwhelmed and busy with diet, fitness, school, research, resumes for potential jobs and day-to-day tasks it really begins to suffer. Today I realized that the “toys” my cats were playing with including a remnant of last nights snack and part of this morning’s breakfast. I’m actually a great worker and I’ll put in overtime or weekends to get the job done, but being at home and wading through the wreckage of my life and trying to piece something together for the future is making long for the days when I cleaned the dining room at Taco Bell back in high school. If someone told me when I was younger that the parts of life I didn’t get paid for would be harder I might have lived a little differently up to this point. Maybe I never would have left T-Bell. Hey, it’s a paycheck.

Day 233: Is Life Worth the Sacrifice of Friends and Family?

We all make hard choices in life, though the difference is what qualifies as a difficult choice for each of us. For some of us it’s about career, school, geographical location, kids, or mortgage. For me, it’s a mixture of many of these things and unfortunately the decisions are never quite permanent, the questions keep getting asked again and again. I love living an unpredictable life and I’ve always been okay with continuing a few close relationships, but only maintaining superficial ones with friends and family back home. That was a sacrifice I was willing to make to enjoy the freedoms of not having a normal 9-5, kids, and the traditional picket fence. These days, however, I’m questioning every thing and wondering about those things I’m missing out on, including family bonds.

We move a lot because of the husband’s job, but we do have some choice in it, so it becomes a question of where do we want to go vs. what place is best for your career. My own career is on hold until I figure out what I want to do that will allow me flexibility. We have decided not to pursue having children, but I still keep the thought of adoption alive in the recesses of my mind for later. I need and want to go back to school, but the two things I love: writing and baking aren’t exactly money makers so I need to figure out what to study and how to make a career out of it that won’t make me want to throw myself from an office window (and by the way, that career is not Higher Ed publishing). Yes, I have a lot of major decisions in my life constantly rotating through and no clear answers, but the one thing I never counted on doubting was the decision to move away from my home state and never to look back . . . until now.

I am beginning to miss the comforts of family or the joy of being able to host a holiday celebration. Just the idea of luring my brother out of his man-cave to have at my place (something that has never happened in the almost 20 years I’ve lived on my own) is enough to make me consider moving back to the hometown. It’s lovely to visit with family and old friends at the holidays or the rare visit back mid-year, but you never really get to simply enjoy them for a cookout or glass of wine just because. I have so many wonderful cousins back home, including a couple recently moved back that I would love to spend time with, but it is simply not possible. So family becomes the hard choice and the sacrifice.

I know that I will never actually move back, that those friends and family members I would like to be closer to or have over for dinner will remain special occasion buddies, but it’s still there. I try to live a life without regrets and so far I’m holding fast to that if only by virtue of denial, but I can’t help but wonder if one day I will look back and regret. What would it have been like to see Jenni or Kris transition from twenty-somethings to wives and mothers? How happy are my cousins really and could they be the non-judgmental confidents I’ve been looking for? I realize that the life I have is special and I look forward to the next move and the challenges that await, but I think I’ll always be looking back just a little and wondering what if?

Day 232: It's Just Not That Simple

There are so many serious things happening all at once. I have not written much about Haiti, I glossed over MLK day and now there is the MA election that saw a Republican win the seat formerly held by a Democrat for 50 years. We are a society under siege by complex issues and tragedies around the world and yet people keep looking for the simple answers. Well, here’s a truth we all need to embrace, there are no easy or simple answers. Life is complicated and solutions are not black and white. We all just want what we perceive as wrong to be righted, but some things cannot be fixed, sometimes the only solution is to learn how best to navigate and survive.

Tonight I read countless status updates lauding the Republican win in MA as a defeat to Obama, a light at the end of the tunnel, beginning of the end, etc. I’m not sure what the battle all these people are so happily taking sides on even is. I’m assuming we’re talking healthcare and that is so strange to me. What kind of person is against universal healthcare? Are they all so evil as to actually prefer those in need are denied the basic government services we all pay our tax dollars to support? I’d much prefer my taxes go towards helping people than roads, war, or pork attached to bills. It doesn’t matter who wins in MA or who’s in the Oval Office, we have serious problems and politics are not going to solve them.

I am also alarmed at how many form opinions based not on independent research or listening to all arguments. Some people still believe it’s wrong to buy a foreign car, yet they do not bother to understand that many “American” auto makers use parts manufactured in other countries and many cars assumed to be foreign are made in the states, employing an American workforce. We argue vehemently against healthcare, but those arguments are largely formed not from a careful reading of the proposed overhaul, but from what other people in their party are saying and what media and news outlets supporting that same viewpoint are advocating. How many people are listening to both sides and doing independent research and then making their decisions?

I guess my conclusion is that I’m tired of the battle of pointless against uneducated. We are all so in love with our own point of views that we rarely stop to ask where we got them. Our opinions are rarely original, they are a mixture of the opinions of those around us and the media we tune in to and celebrity/personality endorsements we follow. I like opinions, even when they are different than mine, but I want our support or condemnation to be the culmination of carefully researched and well thought out arguments for and against. We need to stop pointing fingers across the aisle and blaming the “other side” Truth be told I doubt the lines are so firmly drawn. I’m sure those against healthcare are not evil, and those for it are not Communists desiring a 100% government run society. We are oversimplifying complex issues once again. As for the US vs. foreign car argument I just want one that runs when I need it to and won’t kill the environment every time I drive to the store. Would you really rather pay $30k for a car that sucks b/c it’s one you believe to be US made? It’s just not that simple.

Day 231: Big Boobs and Bigger Mouth but I'm Still Lovable Underneath

Do we have an obligation to make our friends more comfortable with who we are or how we live our life? We all have people in our lives who love and accept us however we are, be it when we’re at our best or even when we’re at our worst. Family, spouses or close friends can be that safe haven. These are the people with whom interactions are effortless, but what of those people we care about yet feel uncomfortable being ourselves around?

I am lucky to have a husband who loves me despite all my craziness, insecurities, and moodiness. He loves my body even when I’m out of shape and he never criticizes me for the way I wear my hair, my makeup or my cleavage. If you’ve read my past blogs you know I’ve got girls that I’m not afraid to show off. In the past I had a friend who was very critical anytime I wore a top she felt exposed too much. I’m not saying I wear turtlenecks every day, but when you’ve got D’s they show up even in a modestly cut top. The same goes for my personality. I know I speak my mind, sometimes too much, and that not everyone wants to get involved in conversations about serious topics. I like opinionated people and I’m not shy about sharing mine.

These are topics that are not new to my blog, but I am trying to grow as a person and part of that journey is realizing what is worth sacrificing and on what I should hold tough. I’ve spent so much of my life rebelling against what other people want from me, but now that I’m mellowing a bit, I realize that sometimes it’s easier to just let it be and to not fight so hard. Out of respect for certain people, I am willing to tailor my behavior or conversation to get along. I want to be liked, just because I’m expressive and don’t take shit doesn’t mean I don’t care if people hate me. What I’m questioning is if I’m worried about being respectful, where is the respect on the other side? It’s not okay to make others feel like they are less than, just because your tastes are different.

High school was a long time ago and as an adult I might judge you or dislike you, but I can guarantee it’s going to be based on personality or ethical behavior. I will not judge you because your shirt is low cut or you’re a Republican or religious or a Mom. As adults we should not have to worry about the superficial getting in the way of our meaningful relationships. I’m aware of my flaws and big personality and my sometimes giant jugs. I’m a lot of Ame, I get it, but at heart I try to be a good person and if you can’t see past the boobs in your face or the liberal rhetoric or fondness for heated issue-based discussions then you’re missing the good stuff. It’s there in all of us, sometimes you just need to dig a little deeper and be respectful enough to allow people to be themselves. I don’t expect anyone in my life to think like me or share my beliefs, just be willing to understand that we might be different. Then again, sometimes you just need to tell me to shut up and have a drink.

Day 230: Come Here/Go Away: When Loved Ones are in Your Face

I have often questioned if there is such a thing as too much togetherness. In recent years this has been a very personal question for me as I went from total immersion in a relationship (10 months in Leavenworth, KS no job, no friends and 20 of every 24 hours side by side) to a year of complete separation (the husband’s Army deployment to Iraq). Recently, the worry has been if we could revive our happy marriage once reunited and then how to survive another separation living apart during the week and together on the weekends. Ours is a complicated living arrangement and it seems I’m constantly missing/sick of him depending on the year. We’ve settled a bit into the new routine and I believe I know the answer to my initial question. Yes, too much togetherness is possible and it happens at day three.

This past week was our first under the new, two households arrangement. Jeff left Monday morning at 5am and while it was lovely to have my personal space again, I missed him during the week. He turned up again Thursday evening and we enjoyed a really great weekend together. Sometime around hour 68 we got on one another’s nerves. The fierce sarcastic talent we each possess in spades volleyed between us for about an hour. 24/7 togetherness, be it with family, partners, or friends, does get to be too much. Personally, I think it’s pretty impressive that we lasted three days.

People aren’t made to spend hour upon hour upon hour . . . you get the idea, together. We all need our space and if someone is in your face too much it’s bound to cause a little strife.

What’s important, is to remember that when your loved one is in your face for 68 hours straight and you feel the need to suddenly call them out in a public place, like oh let’s say the grocery, you do so with love. And if that’s not possible, lovingly apologize right away. Then again, if you’re still too annoyed to apologize immediately and need an hour to just be bitchy, let yourself have it, then take a deep breath and sincerely apologize in as loving a way possible when you are able. It also helps to remember that said “in your face” loved one will once again be retreating for another work week absence. Turns out that the foreknowledge that I will soon be missing him does make me appreciate him more when he’s here. In other words, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I miss you already honey, but seriously, get out of my face already. Kisses.