Saturday, May 1, 2010

Day 332: Fully Aware in a World of Comfortably Numb


I have itchy feet again. I’m not talking about a medical condition, though that might be easier to cure, I’m talking about my insatiable and ever-present need to move on in life. I have been in Charlotte for 18 months and I think I’m over it. Don’t get me wrong, it is a lovely city and the people are very friendly, but much like the financial and real estate industries it’s built on, the people are fairly shallow. I don’t have any friends that I feel are game changers. There are plenty of people I like and that are nice enough, but they aren’t really my friends and no one ever wonders what I’m up to. I guess that says more about me than it does them, but it’s easier to just assume they are all bad friends and to cut my losses.

I think maybe I’m just tired of always being alone. The husband is never here, both physically and emotionally. When a person works fifteen hour days the weekends are needed to just vegetate, not to engage on a deeper level. I miss him and I’m lonely without him, but that is a situation that cannot and will not change anytime in the near future. So that leaves it up to friends and despite my best efforts, I’ve just not been able to make a big enough impact on anyone’s life that they seem to want to move beyond the superficial. I find people here to be fairly shallow. They are all friendly and social, but rarely go deeper and I am an in-depth person. It is a constant struggle to stay interested in people who feel a greater need for everyone to like them, than to have a distinctive personality.

This is my least favorite thing about the south. That southern charm you always hear about has absolutely nothing to do with genuine emotion, it’s generic and saccharin. So after a year and a half even the people I thought were my friends turn out to just be more stepford clones. They seem nice enough, but their friendship is a house of cards and I long for intellectual discussion and actual effort. I’ve always had a hard time making female friends, but now that I’m married it’s harder too with men. The guys I befriend are not people the husband has anything in common with and it’s awkward to have male friends that he wouldn’t want to hang out with.

There are so many rules to being married and foremost among them seems to be that you instantly adopt one another’s friends. Which basically means I’m screwed. So here I am, sans any deep friendships and no husband for most of every week. Hell, come summer, he will be gone most of July through September. I am tired of being alone. This is why people get married in the first place and when they’ve outgrown the mystery and excitement of one another, they have kids. People breed so they never have to experience what true alone-ness is.

Well, I’ve been alone most of my life and that doesn’t look to be changing anytime soon. It’s hard and some days it’s downright heart-breaking to know not one single person in the world cares enough to make time for you, but that’s not enough for me to want to bring children into the world. I deal with being alone on a daily basis. Tell me, who would you be without your partner or your kids? Can you even imagine that life? It’s difficult and while it is my choice to an extent. it wouldn’t suck if every once in a while someone cut me some slack and made an effort. For now, there’s nothing to do but stay the course, but I feel the itchy feet and know I’m going to need to move on soon, there’s not much here for me and I don’t think I’ll miss it or it’s superficial, fair-weather friends in the slightest.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Day 331: Wouldn't You Like to Know . . .

This is kind of all over the place. I keep falling asleep while I try to write it, so I'm over worrying about perfection, you get this instead.

At 37, I’d say I’ve lived a life of sin. I have done a lot of things and no one knows them all. I’ve always made sure to spread myself out just a little bit so no one knows completely who I am, what I’ve done, and where I’ve been. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be okay with being 100 percent open with anyone. Not even the husband and I’m guessing that after six years of being with me, he’s aware of that, and he accepts it. I’m not sure exactly why I don’t want to be one of those people who lay themselves bare for everyone, but it scares me. I am not comfortable with the idea that one person has that much power over me to know all my secrets. So I keep some things to myself.

Perhaps this isn’t really all that different from others. I mean, many people think they are an open book, but how many people actually share their innermost thoughts or desires with others, even their closest friends? Would you confess to having thoughts of murder or adultery? Would you confide to not liking your middle child that much? I’m not sure you would, but more importantly, I’m not sure you need to. We have such a stigma in our society about being one hundred percent honest and telling each other everything, especially when you are in a relationship. I think that’s a big part of the problem, not the solution. Knowing everything takes away the mystery and excitement. I don’t want to watch my husband go to the bathroom and I don’t want him there watching me. There are some things that just need to be private. And that goes for thoughts, feelings, and sometimes even actions.

Things we do have motivations that perhaps only we can understand. You might try to explain them, but they may not come out the way you want them too. You can rationalize something you’ve done and it may sound pretty good. Someone may understand where you’re coming from, but that’s not the same as forgiving you for it or accepting it. The reasons we do things, the motivation behind each choice that we make, is solely dependent on what is happening inside our heads. The emotional and mental goop that culminates into a decision, cannot be replicated in anyone else. Other people would not do the same thing that we do in a given situation. We each bring our own experience and background to each decision-making opportunity. So while something may seem wrong to one person, to you, it might have been just what you needed.

Some of us take the easy way, some of us take the high road, some of us do not take any road without asking first. I’ve never been one to accept any of those answers. I forge my own path. My journey begins and ends with me and I am aware that I must take accountability for any decision, be it good or bad. What I cannot live with is living a life I did not intend or one that is filled with decisions that I regret. Sometimes those things we have done that we are not the most proud of, or that we regret, might be the very reason we are the person we see in the mirror today. Without those possibly bad decisions, you would not have the life you live now. You might void your spouse, partner, job or kids. Take away one bad decision and you might unravel the whole ball of good decisions. That is a risk I am not willing to take. As for keeping some things to myself, I think that is the smart choice. Secrets do not have to be bad things, sometimes not telling everyone everything is the smart thing. They all get just enough and that’s going to have to suffice.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Day 330: If You Want My Advice, Just Ask


I found myself in the unlikely position of giving advice to a friend about being less confrontational. I know. Me, telling someone to chill out and not to always be looking for a fight. Go figure. I think I gave some pretty sound advice too, which is the ironic thing considering that I love confrontational situations and would never shy away from them. It made me start thinking about all the advice we give to friends and loved ones and if we ever have the slightest clue what we’re talking about.

It happens countless times throughout each of our lives. Someone will come to us with a problem or concern and we will find ourselves in a situation that requires careful and considered responses. This does not always mean we should give advice, in fact, more often than not I think it’s best to only offer advice when solicited (thought it’s never stopped me) and try to simply listen and be supportive the other times. Still, it’s going to happen and what you say to your friend in their time of need could have lasting implications.

What if you say something that your friend takes to heart and it blows up in his or her face? Is that now your fault because it was your advice? On some levels maybe it’s best to stay uninvolved and try to remain a neutral party available for a needed shoulder only and not advice, but that is often easier said than done. So if you find yourself in a position in which advice is a must, the next logical question is how acceptable is the “do as I say, not as I do” platform?

I think I am a good advice giver. I listen, I consider, I empathize and then I draft an objective feeling plan of action. I say “objective feeling” because although I am trying to see the issue from all possible sides, reality is I want to side with my friend and tell her yes, it’s totally fine to insist your sister-in-law stop breastfeeding her eight-year-old at the dinner table. No advice is ever going to be perfect and it will always be colored with our own bias attached to a certain degree. So when I tell my friend to stop looking for a fight and to try to keep a sense of humor about things it is because it’s what I think SHE should do for her, for me I always just ask people what the hell their issue is and offer to have it out right now. A good debate gets my creative juices flowing and I like the adrenaline of a mental sparring, then again, I’ve made grown people cry before so my perspective might be a little off.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 329: As a Writer, the Early Years

I have been going through old files today and came about a bunch of my old writings. Before I was a blogger, I wrote stories and before that, bad poetry. In fact, I remember an old blue notebook filled with romantic, nonsensical ramblings about trees, clouds and love. Coming from a twelve-year-old I couldn’t have had much to say on the subject of love, or anything else for that matter. My later writings definitely improved, though all have a decidedly lonely, poor me, tone to them. So I decided given that I am likely as happy now as I will ever be, that it is time to feed them to the world and let them go. So with no further ado, I present to you: me, in writing.

Isolation (2000)

I will not tell you what it is like to be me.
I will not tell you what it is like to be strong.
I will not betray my vulnerability and neediness and the soft, human truth of my spirit to any of you. I fought my demons and faced the truth, but not for the entertainment of those now around me.

I will not explain to you my struggles.
I will not explain to you my reasons.
I will not open myself up to your judgmental ears and scornful words. I have lived my life and know my failings, they are mine alone and not to be shared as an item of malicious gossip among you, who know me least.

I will not ask of you to forgive.
I will not ask of you to understand.
I will not wait for the compassion of my fellow man for those things which I have done and said in the weaker moments of my life. I did as I believed, and cannot merely now go back to satisfy your selfish curiosity.

I will not expect you to offer compassion.
I will not expect you to offer solace.
I will not let you in to that place in my soul which I keep for myself, to tempt me with your empty smiles and false words. I am not yours to ponder, fix, discuss, comprehend, befriend, hate, or forgive.

I will not reveal my soul to you.
I will not sound my voice to you.
I will not expose my heart to the sharpness of your cruel arrows of hypocrisy and scorn. I live behind a wall of my own making, an impenetrable shield I will not lower for you who sit here in the smugness of your judgment day.

Untitled (date unknown)

Ame wants out
But there is no door.
Once entered, forever confined to an
Ever-shifting room, absent of solid ground;
Transparent walls make an exhibit of
Her shattered peace.

Solace (2002)

Solace, honor, dignity, respect.
Found where? On death there is no solace for the living.
I mourn with dignity, my tribute
Within the respect I exhibit, for the
Choice of death.

How to be a Writer (1994)
Clearly in some sort of Hemingway phase and fortunately left unfinished.

First, you have to get yourself born. So pick out a couple of nice people and get into that uterus. Next thing, grow up in a semi-stable household as a semi-unhappy child. Then, the key to all successful writers, is of course DIVORCE. It is absolutely imperative that your parents be divorced before puberty takes root and really sets in. This is the time for every would-be writer to really experiment and to get in touch with his or her adventurous side. In other words, you should aspire to drive your Mother to the edge with your adolescent angst. Lie unendingly, and of course sneak off with your “not a good role model” friends.

It is helpful, after this hellion phase to find a nice little niche for yourself in your newly extended (enter stepparents and siblings) family. Adjust, laugh, even enjoy yourself, but you must always be aware that you are in search of some sort of elusive fulfillment you’ve yet to attain. Insecurity is also a staple of any serious writer and it should be accompanied by a somewhat degenerated self-esteem. At this point you need to begin to search out what it is that you want out of life. School seems to be the main outlet for this cycle of events; classes range from drama, to French, to journalism. All in a vain attempt to grasp the untouchable. The writer comes from within, not from education. So while school is nice, it is the unhappy, overwrought, emotional catastrophe that is your life that will really provide the chops . . .

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 328: You Can Run, but You Can't Hide


Every once in a while, I lie to myself. I say one cookie won’t hurt or so what if I don’t work out today, I’ll work out twice as hard tomorrow. Sometimes the lies are bigger. I did. We all do it. We believe that no one will ever find out what we did or we tell ourselves that we love all our children the same. We think these things, but we know they are not true. The truth always floats to the surface somehow. So the question remains, why do we tell the lies in the first place?

Who exactly are we benefitting when we willfully ignore the truth? That cookie and missed workout will only hurt me in the end, no one else’s hips will be affected, so why not just suck it up and admit it to myself? Could it be that we are ashamed of our own desires or we are afraid to face the truth? The woman who finds a lump in her breast but doesn’t go to the doctor because she does not want to know the truth does not make it go away, far from it in fact.

Lies grow like a cancer within us until we can no longer bear the burden. Better to just admit reality to ourselves and learn to coexist with it. Children do not have to be loved the same to be loved equally. We love different people in different ways, but that does not make one better than the other. Emotions are not measurable commodities that we can control or carefully portion out. Sometimes we just need to have that damn cookie and it’s better to understand what it’s going to do to us so we can prepare for the consequences. Otherwise, we are living in denial and there is no doubt that one day the truth will blindside us. Prepare to accept the truth and learn to make friends with it, because it will stalk you until you do. So regardless if it is a little white lie about not looking fat in those pants or a whopper that could change lives, we need to accept what we do and why.

Day 327: "Avatar" is a Metaphor for Predictability

I watched Avatar tonight for the first time after the urging of my husband. A few things right off the bat: that movie is too long, I would have hated to sit in a theater through three hours of that or any movie. Two, the plotline was predictable. Thirty minutes in, I said “I could write this shit” after I successfully predicted the first plot point and the predictability continued. There were some good things too. Yes, I see that it’s a metaphor for our world and the way we live. In fact, I’d suggest it’s not just a metaphor, but basically a retelling of human history. Thanks Cameron for beating us over the head with the genocides we’ve committed in our world. Even with all this, I liked the movie. It was pretty and very colorful and the creatures were cool. Overall, I found it entertaining, but not the “rethink the world” experience others did.

In fact, I found it a little insulting. There is no progress in our world. Mankind has not evolved past its instinctive fear of foreign cultures. We mock their deity, disrespect their customs, and assume they are primitive. I sincerely hope that in a distant future our own historic battles with cultural and religious wars will have taught to appreciate the differences, not seek to destroy them. This movie is a modern day depiction of “Last of the Mohicans” or “Dances with Wolves.” Not that it is a story that does not deserves retelling, but humanity as a blunt instrument, ruthlessly murdering and destroying any obstacle in our paths is getting a little old.

There are two stories filmmakers tell over and over: humanity as the evil destroyers or as the indomitable spirit that triumphs over all obstacles. Blah, blah, blah. I am fine with respecting this movie as a simple sci-fi/action movie, but I will never concur with popular opinion that it transcends Hollywood. James Cameron is not a genius, he’s just an entertainer who utilizes material of the past to create films. Titanic anyone?

I just want some originality, is that too much to ask? Maybe all the stories have already been told, but that doesn’t mean we cannot re-imagine with at least some creativity. I know that a alien world with blue people who tap into the essence of nature is original on some levels, the biggest part of the story is not. Man vs. Nature. Man vs. Alien. Man vs. Unknown. I’m bored. Let’s stop fighting or at least not depict almost every man as championing the same cause. We are a conflicting people, but where is that is this film aside from a few conscientious objectors? I am tired of all our own hype. None of us are any one way and no problem is black and white. This movie sold us all short. The effects were amazing though, points for that.