Day 331: Wouldn't You Like to Know . . .

This is kind of all over the place. I keep falling asleep while I try to write it, so I'm over worrying about perfection, you get this instead.

At 37, I’d say I’ve lived a life of sin. I have done a lot of things and no one knows them all. I’ve always made sure to spread myself out just a little bit so no one knows completely who I am, what I’ve done, and where I’ve been. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be okay with being 100 percent open with anyone. Not even the husband and I’m guessing that after six years of being with me, he’s aware of that, and he accepts it. I’m not sure exactly why I don’t want to be one of those people who lay themselves bare for everyone, but it scares me. I am not comfortable with the idea that one person has that much power over me to know all my secrets. So I keep some things to myself.

Perhaps this isn’t really all that different from others. I mean, many people think they are an open book, but how many people actually share their innermost thoughts or desires with others, even their closest friends? Would you confess to having thoughts of murder or adultery? Would you confide to not liking your middle child that much? I’m not sure you would, but more importantly, I’m not sure you need to. We have such a stigma in our society about being one hundred percent honest and telling each other everything, especially when you are in a relationship. I think that’s a big part of the problem, not the solution. Knowing everything takes away the mystery and excitement. I don’t want to watch my husband go to the bathroom and I don’t want him there watching me. There are some things that just need to be private. And that goes for thoughts, feelings, and sometimes even actions.

Things we do have motivations that perhaps only we can understand. You might try to explain them, but they may not come out the way you want them too. You can rationalize something you’ve done and it may sound pretty good. Someone may understand where you’re coming from, but that’s not the same as forgiving you for it or accepting it. The reasons we do things, the motivation behind each choice that we make, is solely dependent on what is happening inside our heads. The emotional and mental goop that culminates into a decision, cannot be replicated in anyone else. Other people would not do the same thing that we do in a given situation. We each bring our own experience and background to each decision-making opportunity. So while something may seem wrong to one person, to you, it might have been just what you needed.

Some of us take the easy way, some of us take the high road, some of us do not take any road without asking first. I’ve never been one to accept any of those answers. I forge my own path. My journey begins and ends with me and I am aware that I must take accountability for any decision, be it good or bad. What I cannot live with is living a life I did not intend or one that is filled with decisions that I regret. Sometimes those things we have done that we are not the most proud of, or that we regret, might be the very reason we are the person we see in the mirror today. Without those possibly bad decisions, you would not have the life you live now. You might void your spouse, partner, job or kids. Take away one bad decision and you might unravel the whole ball of good decisions. That is a risk I am not willing to take. As for keeping some things to myself, I think that is the smart choice. Secrets do not have to be bad things, sometimes not telling everyone everything is the smart thing. They all get just enough and that’s going to have to suffice.