Day 104: Because You Need to Know the Intimate Details of my Day

All of my good ideas are lying in pools of vomit alongside the highway between West Virginia and Virginia. They were there earlier, at the forefront of my mind, great new blogs I couldn’t wait to start writing. Then we began driving on the curvy roads of the Virginias, which proved disastrous once mixed with my hangover and tendency towards carsickness. Tonight I am idea-less and also possibly a pound or so lighter for my efforts. I can’t even remember how many times we had to stop the car so I could purge my soul along the interstate, whatever the number, it was enough to clear my head.

How is it that an idea you can develop so fully as a mental note can suddenly vanish like the remnants of last night’s dream? At some point I will learn to keep my journal with me or to figure out how to use the voice recorder function on my iPhone , thus ensuring that no good idea is ever lost. For now, however, I continue to trust in my clearly and repeatedly disproven memory retention abilities.

I wonder if the good ideas I spat out today along I-77, I-81, and I-66 will linger among the roadside weeds before slowly filtering in through the air conditioning of a passing motorist. What if my good ideas become someone else’s story simply because I could not hold my liquor on an extremely curvy (I dare say unnecessarily curvy) stretch of road? And what of you the reader, now deprived of the numerous blogs of wisdom and genius which no doubt would have laboriously dwelt on my insecurities, self-destructiveness, poor choices? You deserved to read about my latest catastrophic effort to find my way in the world. It is for you I grieve, dear reader, well you and my new blouse that is soiled with the remnants of my good ideas, now lost.

Day 103: I've Got Friends in ALL places

Tonight I sat up with an old friend and her husband drinking and talking. Funny how some things you think are private or taboo just become ordinary parts of the conversation. I realize I have little to zero filter, but it’s rare that I run into another woman who is my equal in that regard, and I have to say that it is refreshing. There are certain things that I can talk about for hours that put other people on edge. Topics include such gems as religion, politics, and sex. In an ordinary party environment these are often conversation killers despite my vigor and eagerness to discuss. Luckily with this group I was not ostracized, I was welcomed.

There are certain people in the world you just connect with for whatever reason and while I don’t have may casual friends, I do seem able to seek out those special few that not only accept me, but welcome it. These friends fall into this category. I have no doubt that they are judging me even as I type this, I mean, I have a big mouth and never fail to speak my opinion, but even so, I feel that some people can still judge you and accept you at the same time. I like those types of people, hell, I am those types of people.

It is rare that you spend an evening with someone outside of your spouse and manage to cover childbirth, the female cycle, anal sex, lesbianism, sports, and Star Trek. Thank God they also fed me dinner or else I’d feel cheap. The reality of such a conversation is that it is real. The topics may vary depending on the night, the company, or the wine, but the overarching context is that you embark upon a conversation that seeks to hide nothing except what you choose to keep hidden. How much would you tell, if a candid conversation about your belief system, marriage, or sex life suddenly came to pass?

I’m not the most open person in the world, I still have plenty of secrets no one knows, but I also realize the value of friends who will open up their own closets and dish a little dirt. These people are flawed, but they are real and they only care that you connect in a real way. Shameful how rare that actually is. True, we all get drunk or overtired now and again and say too much, but to consciously divulge personal information is a different thing. I love these friends for there openness and acceptance. Sure, there are tons of things I don’t know and that they’d never tell, but that in itself is telling. Where do we draw the line? If you can discuss your politics and your sex life, then what is left as private? It is exactly in this gray area that we learn the core of who a person is. It’s not what we’re willing to tell, it’s what we’re not saying that matters.

I never expect other people to be as open or willing to discuss intimate details of there life as I am. That’s my thing and I accept that I am different in some ways and a little crazy in others. That’s cool, I can only be who I am. So I sometimes tell too much, but even so, if you dig deeper you will discover a treasure trove of information you never even thought to look for, because we are all deeper than we appear. No amount of sex talk or hairspray or swearing can betray the truth of a soul. For that, you actually have to put in the time and get to know someone. Luckily for me, I’m a really good judge of character and while I often do more talking than listening, I always manage to find good people.

Day 102: The Ennui is Boring

I am feeling cynical. Well, cynical, hopeful, melancholy, apathetic, humorous, and a little fat. It’s one of those weird nights when I somehow feel everything emotion I possess simultaneously. Feeling fat isn’t so much an emotion, but after what I ate today, it’s still valid. I think I’m just a little . . . actually, I’ve got the ennui. It’s been a while since I’ve had the ennui, I guess I didn’t recognize it. I think I’m just really, oppressively bored.

It makes sense, I haven’t worked in ages, I miss my husband who is due back in two months, I’m not finding any viable hobbies that seem to stick, I don’t have a ton of friends I spend time with – well, not many that I actually find interesting (but don’t tell them I said so). I’m starting to wonder what it was I did the previous nine months to keep myself busy. What do you do, when everything you’ve been doing no longer holds your attention? Should I completely change or is there a way to adapt? I’m not even sure I know how to adapt or change. I feel like I’ve been going through such a metamorphosis as it is, what else is there?

Honestly, I think I’m just really over this whole husband in Iraq, unemployed and spending money, cocktails in the middle of the week, unlimited TV and movies thing I’ve got going on. I don’t even want to go out anymore. Bars have no appeal, even though I always manage to have a good time when I do go out, I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort to actually go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly wandering around the house with dirty hair in a scraggly bathrobe – well, not every day. I think I was depressed early on, but that’s not it now. Nope, now I’m just freaking bored.

Remember when you were a kid and your friends were all busy and you would mope around the house saying “Mom! I’m bored” until your Mom would get irritated and yell at you to find something to do? That’s how I feel. I even cleaned the other day, which is so not like me. So I ask you, as an adult, what do you do when you’re bored? We just don’t get the opportunity to be bored very often as adults. Everyone is busy with work, family, housework, fitness, social obligations, etc. We don’t have time to be bored and we rarely even realize it.

My Mom used to say that too. I’d say I was bored and she’d say she wished she had time to be bored. Funny, huh? So now I have nothing but time and no more idea how to handle boredom than I did as a kid. I guess we never do learn some things. I sure hope it passes fast. I’m bored with the ennui.

Day 101: Julie & Ame, For Bloggers it's a Me, Me, ME World!

Tonight I saw the movie Julia & Julie, although I keep calling it Julie & Julia which I assume is a subconscious urge to try to make the blogger more important than the actual achiever, but so what. Several things struck me while watching this movie about a blogger, albeit one who now writes professionally and made a book and now a movie out of her blog. I’m still a little behind in the score, but if someone would like to pass my blog along to an editor or movie producer I’m willing to put in the time to catch up.

The thing I liked best about the movie was one scene in particular which had the Julie character in a disagreement with her husband over the nature of the blog. He comments that it is narcissistic and she says of course it is, it is all about me, that’s the point. Indeed, that is the point. A fact I feel on a daily basis, especially when I know I’ve not turned in my best work or taken the time to edit or when having the discussion with someone about what my blog revolves around. It revolves around me and I am the center of its universe. Should you have any doubts, please refer to the blog title.

It’s not that I feel I am more important than anyone else or that my blog deserves more notice, it’s just that I created the blog for me about me. The fact that any of you read it is an incredible surprise and a blessing. I am thrilled that you would take time out of your life to read even a single entry and I could not be more appreciate. That said, I do feel this pressure to make it more interesting for you and less about me, but it is me, it’s all about me. And when I have a bad blog day and it reads badly or the topic centers around something inane like how I went to bed and forgot my blog, or have discovered at 36 the appearance of occasional butt pimples, that’s just the way it’s got to be.

I’m not a genius and I’m certainly not the most entertaining writer, but some days are better than others. I hope you all forgive me when I write about topics that bore you or even offend you, that is not my intention. So on those days, I ask that you chalk it up to PMS, too much sugar, a lack of sleep, too little sugar, or anything else and come back another day to give me a try again. I do have a lot to say and I hope I’m getting better at it. I know that I’m a mess and always have been, but honestly that’s kind of what I like best about myself. I am a glorious wreck and I admit it. I say all those things you would never say. I admit to things like gas and butt pimples and porn addictions. I actually feel it is appropriate to divulge my obsessive masturbatory habits and bad moods that make me cry hysterically in traffic for no reason.

Why do I think this is okay? Well, because it’s 365 Days of Ame and I can blog if I want to! The movie reinforced my resolve to be honest and to put it all out there. You may not want to hear and you may not like it, but it’s me and you are welcome to dislike and chastise all you want, just don’t stop reading.

Day 100: Eating My Weigh Healthy

I love to work out. Actually, I love the idea of working out and I love working out when I am in shape. When I’ve been lazy and let myself get out of shape, as is the case now, working out requires a daily effort simply to get myself to the gym. Today is the tenth day of my renewed commitment to getting in shape and it’s going okay except for the fact that I feel it is acceptable to reward myself with fattening foods. I realize there exists an inherent contradiction in my process, but it is keeping me to my six-a-week workouts.

There is a process that I have to go through to self motivate and this way, which has helped me to gain five pounds in one week, is also smoothing the way for me to keep working out. I don’t know how normal people manage, but I am simply not disciplined enough to both diet and exercise right out of the gate. One of them has to go first and because I love food more than I hate to exercise, I’m eating myself to the gym. By the end of the week, I’m going to be more serious about dieting as well, but holy hell I’m tired.

When I am tired I don’t want to cook a healthy meal, I don’t want to chop vegetables, I don’t have the energy to chew a salad. Have you ever wondered how many calories it must burn just to eat a salad. It’s nonstop chewing and I get bored and my jaw gets tired. So when my muscles are screaming because they are sore even when I’m simply laying in bed, and I’m tired from the energy output I want good, comforting and easy. Pizza works, as does anything Mexican (take out of course), and I do love my cereal go to: Lucky Charms.

So all you health nuts can eat your raw veggies and tofu while you work out every day, but I’m going to have to work up to it. Strength training and cardio endurance first, then I’ll say a sad goodbye to sugar cereals and take out. It’s my right, I’m an American. If I want to eat my way to a bigger size before I begin to lose and tone, that’s what I’ll do dammit. I will say, however, this first stage that comes with pizza and mashed potatoes is a lot more fun than the salad stages down the road.

Day 99: I'd Like to Buy the World a Clue - I Mean Coke

Now that we’ve run out of celebrity deaths, arrests, break-ups, and African children adoptions to discuss, all the talk is of President Obama’s address to school children on Tuesday. Initially, I didn’t think much of this announcement except that it was nice that someone in government is taking an interest in our children again. I didn’t think much of it that is, until I heard that people were actually planning to withhold their children from school that day. I am a big supporter of individual rights to personal and political beliefs, but I think maybe we’ve gone a little astray with this one.

I read that one of the criticisms of conservative groups was the belief that the President was using this speech to attempt to indoctrinate the youth into the Democratic party. Really? This argument makes sense to people? Am I to believe that there are actually people out there who think the President – or ANY President, liberal, conservative, green, libertarian, or otherwise -- would blatantly blast his or her politics in a public forum to school children? Let’s take a moment to think about that . . . okay, here’s what I came up with:

President Obama opens his speech with a message of hello and thanks. This quickly transitions to an admonition about how worthless their lives will become without advanced education, a lecture about global warming and the importance of recycling (insert quick shout out to Al Gore here), an easy to follow 379 point overview of his new healthcare plan, and then things really get fun. At this point, the President will begin a caring and empathetic attempt to persuade any currently pregnant or teenage girls who may become pregnant to say yes to abortion. One thing those damn liberals love is murdering babies and I’m sure an attempt will be made to sway the conservative youth over to this anti-life way of thinking. Finally, President Obama will get back to his roots and lecture the kids about the importance of embracing minorities. He will no doubt point to his own success story as an example for children of color. An uprising of the multicolor/multicultural population is within your grasp he will advise. The white man’s reign of terror is coming to close and with your help I can lead the way for the new revolution. The end will be some catchy jingle backed PSA showing minority children from all ethnic groups skipping hand-in-hand on their way to the Whitehouse. Along the way, they will stop to pick up litter and separate the trash from the recyclables, attend a college lecture, make signs for an “Obamacare” rally, stop at a clinic so all the girls can get abortions, and then finally round up all the whiteys and put them to work as day laborers. Lastly, the youth of the nation will stand on the Whitehouse lawn and sing “I’d like to buy the world a Coke.” You know, the classic commercialized kumbaya Coca-cola made popular in the early 70's.

Oh wait, this isn’t some damn liberal conspiracy to take over your children, it’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES wanting to take time out from his busy schedule to talk to your damn children, whom you probably don’t even talk to that much. Wow, an adult who is accomplished, respected, and still in-touch enough to remember that the youth of the world are capable of real thought and understanding. How dare he.

We used to respect leadership even if we didn’t agree with the politics behind it. I cannot imagine a President I could dislike more than George Bush Jr., but I would never object to his wanting to speak to our kids. Children and teens need to know that they are not forgotten. They may act cool, but the idea that the President of the free world thinks they matter enough to talk to directly – not to their parents, but to THEM – is huge. Let’s stop forgetting the bigger picture and put to use a little of that faith the Christian Right is so fond of throwing out there.

Day 98: Sweet Dreams . . . Oh Hell!

It’s not as if I were tucked snugly into bed for hours or anything, but I was definitely attempting to sleep when I suddenly realized that I had not written my blog for today. Today being September 6, not Sept. 7. I’m not sure why after three months of daily blogging I suddenly forgot, but I did. So what does that mean? True, I was busy all evening doing research for my fantasy football draft which takes place tomorrow (or later today, since it is currently almost 4am). Still, I’ve been busy before. In fact, I’ve been busy, drunk, tired, headachy, depressed and just about anything else in the past and still I’ve always remembered to write my damn blog.

Maybe, it’s just that I finally found the one thing that is more important to me than the blog, yes, fantasy football is just that big of a deal. Lot’s of you know the joy of playing fantasy, some of you do fantasy for all kinds of sports. Hell, my brother even does it for Nascar and golf, let alone the major sports. I guess I just got so carried away that it took every bit of my mental energy. I didn’t even really think about my blog today, which is kind of rare for me. Maybe this means I need to refocus my energy or maybe it’s a sign that my constant need for self-analysis is starting to ease up a bit?

Either way, all I know is that for two hours I’ve lain in bed tossing and turning, despite being exhausted. I just could not mentally relax fully and just when I started to feel my weariness overwhelm me, I remembered. So maybe I can’t forget even if I want to. People ask why this is so important to me, or how I do it every day and I don’t have an answer. I only know that this is the one commitment that I have managed to be true to, no matter what and if I’m trying to change my life and be a person that follows through on things and is reliable, being there for myself seems like a good place to start.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to need to get some sleep. I have fantasy draft tomorrow and I don’t want my blog later today to be about how I tanked my first live draft.