Thursday, December 31, 2009

Day 212: Wanna Have Fun Tonight? Oh, Craigslist How I Love Thee.

Ten years ago when I moved to New York City, I discovered the miracle that is Craigslist. I also discovered rats, roaches as big as rats, and roommates who do not bathe, but that’s another blog. Craigslist or CL as we savvy insiders call it is an invaluable resource to a busy city dweller. You can find apartments, jobs, roommates, community groups and even people on CL. Oh yes, I said people. Using CL I met a group of female friends, a roommate or two I still keep in touch with, sports buddies to go to games with and the occasional romantic interest. It’s this last that I’m interested in today. Internet dating is no longer a radical idea and there are hundreds of genuine, relationship minded people on CL hoping to meet someone they really connect with, but there are also skanky, let’s hook up types and I love the shit out of every one of them.

Casual Encounters is what they call it and your choices range from men and women seeking each other, same sex couples seeking each other, those seeking threesomes or larger groups, couples seeking other couples and pre and post-op trannies seeking everything in between. I love the openness and freedom this posters seem to feel and I love even more the ads with pictures. It sounds strange, but I’m not talking about the graphic photos of genitalia or specific acts and those do exist. The ads that amuse me most are those that specifically list the type of encounter they are seeking, note their involvement in a long-term relationship and then post a photo . . . OF THEIR FACE!

I’m not prude, I’ve had my share of casual encounters precipitated by too much alcohol, darkly lit bars and loneliness, but in a face-to-face encounter the collateral damage is minimal. The internet, as some of you may have heard, is pretty popular so if you post an ad looking for a casual hook up while also stating you live with your partner and then post a headshot of yourself, you are asking for trouble. Well actually, I might be understating it a bit. If you do the above you are a complete freaking moron and your relationship is likely not long for this world.

I read these ads on a semi-regular basis. I know other people who read these ads. We read them because they are funny and entertaining in a voyeuristic, yes I’m going to judge you, sort of way. I’m not a fan of reality TV, magazines or beach read books, so I get my cheese in different places, but that is exactly what CL is when it comes to these ads. The casual encounters listings are hands down the craziest shit on the internet because they are real and people seem to think no one they might know is ever going to see them.

Well, I’ve got news for you, I see them and if I run across a pic of you and your partner is my friend or family member we’re going to have an issue. If that scenario does not happen, however, I’m happy for the mindless entertainment and judgment it allows me. I make no secret of my fondness for porn or real life sex, for that matter. Sex is a part of human nature and we all have certain urges we need or want satisfied. You want to find loving online, knock yourself out, it’s not any worse than a bar, but be smart people. It takes the fun out of it for those of us reading for enjoyment’s sake when I begin to view you as a real person and worry that your partner is going to get and be publicly humiliated. As long as everyone plays by the rules and keeps it anonymous, it’s just fun reading. It’s like porn for the extremely stupid and I can dig that.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Day 211: Champagne Birthday Wishes and Funny Video Dreams

I’ve never liked birthday cake. Maybe it’s something about that strange, Crisco-like frosting most bakeries use or the fake, too sugary roses common to decorators, whatever it is, I just don’t like the cakes. As a child I remember eating as small a slice as possible so that I could save room for Mom’s Christmas cookies still lingering from a few days earlier. Birthdays come with a host of pomp and circumstance and none of it holds any real appeal for me. I love other people’s birthdays, but when yours is squished between two of the biggest holidays of the year, it’s less of a rush. When you think about it, birthdays are the ultimate celebration of vanity . . . so I guess I should like them more.

I guess I could take the easy way out and say I am not a fan due to my reluctance to grow older, but really, I don’t feel old and I’m holding my own looks-wise, so it’s really not that. As much as I enjoy being the center of attention at times, I’m not a person that needs that “special day.” No wedding, no crazy birthday celebrations, no gifts to open. I dislike surprises and opening gifts is my nightmare. I also never like the fact that others surprise you with a cake of their design. I am a baker, I know what I like or would make for myself and those crappy birthday cakes almost always disappoint. Nope, birthday rituals are not for me.

Luckily, I have a husband who gets me and that means that my birthday is sometimes not celebrated at all or is enjoyed in a non-traditional way that he knows I will like. This year it is a champagne and chocolate tasting followed by dinner and two great gifts. His gift to me was letting me pick out an over-priced bottle of single malt scotch. Mom never would have given the gift of single malt and besides those dry, over-decorated cakes do not really hold up to the smooth, robustness of a 15 year-old. The other gift was indulging me in three straight hours of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Seriously, I love that show and I know that is pathetic.

I like my birthdays the way they are, understated and filled not with the superficial sentiment of a crowd, but instead with the sincere familiarity of those closest to me. I miss Mom more than I can convey, but she never understood my apathy to my own birthday and I always felt like I was disappointing her. If it is my day, then I want to spend it my way and that means under the radar for the most part. I’ll save the parties for Christmas and New Year’s. The last thing I want is more pressure to suck in my tummy and squeeze into my party dress while pretending to enjoy bad cake and small talk. It’s my party after all, I can be selfish if I want to.

Day 210: Not Everyone Celebrates a Birthday

I am fast approaching my 37th birthday, despite my annual assertion that it is actually my 28th birthday (this year being my 10th annual 28th birthday). I’m not a big birthday person. Having it smack in the middle of Christmas and New Year’s means that no one ever wants to go out and party and even if they did, no one wants to spend the extra money. It’s not a big deal really and several years in the past I have actually forgotten my own birthday and I feel fine about that. What is on my mind this year is not necessarily a new thought, but it is one that seems to be occupying my mind more and more: as an adoptee, do my biological parents think about me on my birthday?

I was born in 1972 at a time when open adoptions were a radical idea and closed adoptions thought best in order to protect both the adoptive parents and shamed biological ones. I do not have an original birth certificate, only one issued after my adoption was finalized bearing the names of my adoptive parents. Back then, the primary goal of adoption agencies was to shield the participants in the adoption and no one really thought about the child’s rights or desires. I have long wondered about my biological family and have searched for them, though not to the extent that I’ve petitioned courts or hired private assistance.

For many people adoption is a foreign concept, one you read about, but it never touches your real life. As a childless adult adoptee I do not know a single person who is blood related to me. Any resemblance to my family is purely coincidental and there is no medical history to clue me in to possible genetic risks. In many ways I am very much alone in the world and that is something I have carried with me subconsciously. That sense of solitariness is likely why I often feel that my actions do not affect anyone, it has given me license to act out in ways that has hurt friends and family. I feel more alone every day because of the sheer accidental circumstances of my birth.

It may not be correct, but it is my reality. These days I am struggling with balancing my solitude with loved ones. I tend to either put up with too much, allowing friends’ opinions of me to dictate my self-worth or throwing it all out and marching forward regardless of who I might hurt. Maybe I would be a different person if my biological parents made an effort to contact me and let me know that they do indeed think of me, but it doesn’t really matter. I am a grown woman, not a helpless child and it’s time I stop needing my Mommy. I do get that and I’m trying to resolve it, but just like having your Mom with you when you’re ill doesn’t actually cure you, sometimes it makes you feel a whole lot better. It would be nice to know they care, but I’ll live either way.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 209: True Connection is Found in the Strangest of Places

There is nothing quite like being trapped in a moving car with someone to give you an opportunity to really talk. I’ve had lots of fights in cars, a few sing-a-longs and one or two conversations of emotional depth. Such discussions always surprise me, both in terms of the genesis and the breadth. Today, the husband and I took a road trip home that should have taken around nine hours and ended at the 12 hour mark. There is lots of time to talk during a 12 hour drive, but really we don’t. We sleep, listen to music or talk radio, read or just sit in comfortable silence. There is chatter, of course, but not always true discussion as happened today and certainly not always one that leads to a breakthrough of sorts.
On some level I suppose it is interesting in and of itself that after five plus years we still have areas where emotional or relationship-based epiphanies are still possible. On the other hand, we are both people that have our private sides. Sure we share an enormous amount and know one another intimately, but I like still being occasionally surprised by him and I believe that knowing someone too well can actually be detrimental to your relationship. It’s nice to still have a little bit of mystery and it certainly does not hurt romantically. I know my husband exceedingly well, but he has a private side and a part of himself that is reserved even from me and I think that is good.
Today we just came a little bit closer to understanding how his more white and black views of the world and how he lives his life fits with my shades of gray. He sees certain things as “shortcuts” while I see them as simply creating a new option. This is where compromise and understanding is necessary. We do not need to think alike, but we need to have the ability to comprehend where each other’s motivations come from. I think it is perfectly okay to have different responses to the same situation, but if you cannot accept or understand the emotional or intellectual place from which those decisions are made, then you’re going to have a problem.
The husband and I do view a few key issues in very different ways, but our love for one another has always compensated for what is perhaps a lack of true understanding. Today, however, I think maybe all those hours trapped in a car gave us the ability to truly focus in and confront those things that might be holding us a back a bit. There is no lack of love and that has never been a question, but I think there is a window during which time couples are able to ignore certain differences in belief systems before they become critical. We’re good with most things and we never actually fight (a sure surprise to anyone who knows me), but those secrets and private sides of ourselves do not always correlate. It was a nice turn of events to suddenly have what otherwise might be uncomfortable work itself out. I guess sometimes sheer boredom and way too much together time equals productivity. We were pretty good before, but it just keeps getting better and that’s a fantastic place to be.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Day 208: Blah, Blah, Blog

No blog tonight. Well, not a real one. I'm tired, we're on the road again tomorrow and we just lost the keys for probably the third time in as many days. The holidays are great, but now it's almost two grand later and I really just want to be in my own place. I miss my frivolously large king size, my sweet, but annoyingly loud cat and my books. I find I am one of those travelers with short tolerances for the inconveniences away from home. If I am in a hotel I am happy, but staying with family and constantly being on the go is exhausting. I love to travel, but there's not much that's new or exotic in Wisconsin and Indiana and right now that's okay because the only thing I want is the comforts of home. 

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day 207: It's at the Kids' Table That Bonds are Formed


Today was a fantastic day and I know I don’t say that very much, but that makes it so much more valuable. You grow up with your family and take them for granted, then you get older, move away, have families and sort of forget how much fun you had as kids together. Sometimes it takes a big, holiday family gathering, a silly game and some cocktails to bring you back to the days when you were young and your whole world revolved around the kids’ table. When I was a kid my favorite thing in the whole world was spending time with my cousins at my Aunt’s house. Now that I’m an adult, I’d have to say that one of my favorite things is spending time with my cousin’s at one of their houses.

I guess not all that much has changed after all. I don’t have to sit at the kids’ table anymore and I’m the one drinking the cocktails, but other than that, I’m still giggling and hanging on my cousins’ every word. No matter how old I get, the one thing that will never change is that feeling of excitement at pending family get togethers. I’ve had fun at weddings, funerals, bonfires, hospital visits, lakes and holiday celebrations with my extended family and tonight was no different. We all have our issues with family, but barring any traumatic circumstances, family always feels like home and brings you back to that innocent time of childhood.

We’ve put on some weight, experienced some heartbreak and had a few illnesses, but when I look at my cousins or Aunts and Uncles I remember them the way they were and that makes me feel like the carefree admiring kid I used to be. So on Christmas, here’s to Dr. Pepper flavored lip gloss, sitting in parked cars pretending we’re driving, basement bands playing on toy vacuums and brooms for guitars, fireworks at the lake and sneaking sips of adult beverages. I’m not a cheery, positive person, but nights like tonight I feel like the happy glow might never end. Of course it will and there will be more illnesses, heartbreaks and passings, but we’ll always have the memories of holiday celebrations past and the pictures of that awesome guitar solo on the broom. I love you Denise, Donna, Dana, Dani, Kara, Rachel, Sarah, Meg, Katie, Jim, Julie, Dee, Don, Cookie, Marshall and Lump. Thanks for the good times.

Happy Holidays.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Day 206: It's Not How You Celebrate, it's How it Makes You Feel

I am discovering that the holidays mean different things to different people and that is okay. For me, I celebrate Christmas, but not in the Christian sense of it which I know many people will take issue with, but oh well. It’s not just any way of celebrating it that makes it real for me, it has to be a very specific set of circumstances precipitated by childhood tradition. Over the years there have been Christmases in tropical locations, alone in the city, time spent with the in-laws and one or two I can’t remember. We all celebrate in different ways, but if you had to change your tradition would it still feel like Christmas to you (or whatever you celebrate)?

I love my in-laws. They have been generous and loving from the first day I met them, but they have a very small clan and do not put on a big, festive display at Christmas. It’s just sort of . . . well, a half-hearted tree, normal dinner and presents. Every year I have spent the holidays with them I feel like I missed it. That “it” being the excitement and joy that I remember growing up with at this time of year. There have been some truly memorable holidays including one spent in a beachfront cottage in the Caribbean, but without the chaos of my extended family and food enough to feed a small village, though it always seems to be just enough, it’s not Christmas.

So is this time of year more about the actual Christian, Jewish, Pagan, etc., ritual or your own personal ritual? Can it be Christmas without God or some magical baby? I think it can be and despite not participating in some religious tradition that just so happens to coincide with the ancient Pagan winter solstice (seriously, God people try to be at least a little original), Christmas is my favorite holiday. It is that one time of year when most of the world celebrates some major holiday at the same time. To me, that is the spirit of the season. We are all joyous and merry for some reason even if it is not exactly the same and I think that’s okay.

I don’t need you to be Jewish or Christian or even non-religious to share in glad tidings. Believe what you want, but when you smile at me and wish me a “Merry Christmas” and I say it back or perhaps Happy Holidays or Season’s Greetings instead, it is absolutely meant with the same generosity and merriment. I guess my point is that we do not need to share the same belief system to harbor the same feeling in our hearts. I am just as giving and happy without that baby in a barn thing and I don’t need a menorah, though they certainly are pretty. I’m not entirely sure what the Kwanzaa traditions are, but I’ve had a Festivus party and though the airing of grievances is one of my favorites I’m okay without it.

We talk a lot about the true spirit of Christmas and really just saying that is cutting off a third of the population. Not everyone celebrates Christmas. The true spirit of the holiday season is about celebrating however you want, yet maintaining that same sense of generosity and joy. You don’t need to be like everyone else to give back or share a smile. I will never find another tradition or group of people that evoke the same happiness as the 20-30 people we call family in Indiana, but that’s okay. I can still with you Season’s Greetings and mean it most sincerely.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Day 205: Need vs. Want

Tonight I asked the husband to write my blog for me. Hey, I was still going to type it up, I just wanted him to come up with the topic and dictate it to me. I swear some days my head just feels empty and on those days I need him to be the brain for both of us. Which is how I came to tonight’s blog topic. How much do we lean on our partner and at what point have you passed a mutually supportive relationship and entered one that has an unhealthy bias one way or the other? For that matter, if this is what is “normal” for you, would you even be able to realize there is an issue?

I think Jeff and I complement each other very well. He is brilliant, but I’m not too shabby myself in the smarts department so that’s compatible. The areas where we need more balance are our emotional and pragmatic sides. I am all emotion, in fact, I often compare myself to exposed nerves all raw and overly-sensitive. I act and react equally from an emotional place and while those instincts have served me well in many respects, sometimes my inability to control my emotional responses has gotten me into trouble. Jeff is more reserved and harder to reach in a way, it sometimes feels like my emotional depth rubs off a bit or at least draws him out when he otherwise would pull back.

The rational side is all him, however, and I lean on that a lot. Someone’s got to keep some sense of normalcy and home when I’m railing against the world or having some sort of emotional breakdown over the state of orphaned kittens. We balance one another and I think this is how a relationship is meant to work. I’ve been involved with my emotional counterpart and it’s all fireworks and no firefighting. Maybe this is why people always say opposites attract. I don’t know that they naturally attract, but I do believe that we each possess a certain self-preservation instinct that instinctively helps us recognize what we need in our lives. Still, it’s hard sometimes. There are days when I crave all fireworks and craziness, just as I know Jeff would love a day or two when I focus on things in a pragmatic and logical way, rather than going by my gut.

This is why relationships are hard work. We often want to indulge our natural senses, but that doesn’t mean it is what is best for us. How could two emotionally detached people live together without simply losing sight of their love altogether? Likewise, if it’s all passion and protest rallies, who pays the bills and makes sure someone has a steady paycheck? Like anything that works, relationships are about balance and sometimes putting your needs above your wants. Though, without a few irrational indulgences life would be boring. Sure, I need winter shoes with flat soles and practical water resistant material, but I’m going to buy the open-toed, ruffle front, cut out stilettos. Sometimes you need to surrender to your wants before you can see clear to what it is you actually need.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Day 204: We Could All Use a Temper Tantrum Now and Again

Children are exhausting. I spent this evening playing with my 4 ½ year-old niece who seems to have no end to her energy, creativity, and truth be told, annoyance factor. She’s cute, she’s smarter than I remembered and she is very determined to get her own way. She wants to play, but you must play the game she’s picked out and you must play it by her rules. Is this how we all started out and has it shaped the way we’ve learned to interact with the world?

On some level we are all children, stubbornly wanting things to go our way without compromise, but life doesn’t work that way once you reach the point where it is no longer acceptable to pick your nose in public. I suppose I may not have completely lost this streak, it is due to my unwavering desire to live my life on my terms that I constantly find myself running into walls or getting into trouble. There are repercussions when you are an adult, however, that do not exist for the child.

I am trying to figure out if we are better or worse off for losing this part of ourselves. On one hand, I think it is pretty obvious that we could never co-exist as a society without compromise and understanding, but at the same time maybe we’d have a better shot at reaching for the brass ring and not settling if we allowed ourselves to believe that we deserved, truly deserved, to have that which we wanted. We take no for an answer too much and often about those things that would benefit us to fight for. Where a child may not know any boundaries, as adults it sometimes seems like all we see are walls, cordoning us off from larger possibilities and herding us into expected paths.

Maybe what we all need once in a while is an old fashioned temper tantrum. We deserve to have our way once in a while and we must learn to distinguish those things that are valid and worth a fight. Being an adult is not solely about accepting responsibility and following the predetermined path. Sometimes we need to rock the boat, both for society’s sake and our own. Though I will add a personal note of caution and tell you that the constant boat rocking will get you nothing but seasick.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day 203: I Smell a Cover-up and I Like it!

Maybe I’m just lazy. I’m not writing as diligently as I once was. Some days I don’t think about my blog at all and others I think about it, but do not feel that need to write. So maybe it’s laziness.. Then again, maybe it is the knowledge that I’ve written about and worked through a lot of the surface issues and what is left are the underlying causes of my unhappiness and discontent. I’ve heard the expression about acknowledging a problem being the first step and it’s left me wondering, “the first step toward what?”

I know I still have issues. Even now, I make choices that are consciously self-destructive. Happiness is a daunting prospect and one I’m neither sure how to get to or that I want. Like everyone I have good days, great days even, but at the root I see that I am capable of causing pain not just to others, but to myself. Should I finally begin to drag those darker issues to light I may not even like where they take me and I’m not sure I want to be all that healthy emotionally anyway.

To some degree it is our pain that keeps us honest. We are able to empathize because of what we have been through. We acknowledge and act to help the less fortunate because somewhere in us is the fear that a serious illness, job loss or one more kid could put us at risk as well. We judge in conversation, but do not go so far as to be unkind to those who have made damaging decisions because we too have been guilty. All of us walk the line together and in some ways it keeps us honest.

The point has arrived for me, that I need to begin looking beyond the superficial layers, the denial, the defensive sarcasm and see into the heart of who I am. I admit there is a problem. I keep making the same mistakes and retreating to try a new path and once again stumble at the same point. I do acknowledge it, but in all honesty, knowing I’ve screwed up and that I might screw up again is not the great motivator people assume it to be. Hiding is so much easier. Denial is a lot more comforting. I’m working on it, but I’m not quite ready to ditch the security blanket of ignorance yet. Maybe when I get to Day 303, we’ll have to wait and see.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Day 202: Living in the Silver Lining

Yesterday I forgot to write my blog. This is only the second time I have ever forgotten and the first time I rectified it as soon as I remember. Today, however, I woke up and almost immediately realized it and then decided I was fine with that. I've had a great weekend. I know I tend to be cynical and the fact that I do not have more great weekends is likely my own fault, but this one is especially nice and how lovely to just be happy, have fun and avoid all obligations. How often in life do we actually get to do that?

There are always obligations to deal with in life. We have careers, families, bills, stress, mess, and who knows what else on any given day. Every once in a while it is refreshing to just be and that is exactly what I got to do the last two days. Already it is starting to fade as I feel the nagging headache starting to make itself known, the neck and shoulder tension is building and the pressures of upcoming deadlines and financial obligations. Still, I am lingering in the glow of a stress free and relaxing weekend, hesitant to see it go, but aware that real life cannot be ignored or delayed any further. We always pay our dues eventually.

In less than 24 hours I will be at my in-laws sleeping on what may be the world's most uncomfortable bed in a house kept at a chilly 64 degrees and inhabited not just by well-meaning parents but two large, hyper dogs and a perpetually freaked out cat. I'm going to need to find a little inner peace to survive the week, but something tells me I will not again manage the kind of carefree days that allowed me to forget my blog again. Maybe this is what it means to believe that life does not give you more than you can handle. You live out some chaos and stress and then have a brief respite of relative harmony to refresh. The natural ebb and flow of life gave me something really good this weekend so for once, at least for now, I have no complaints. It's important to remember that even with the complex conditions affecting the world in not altogether positive ways, we can still find the silver lining and know how to enjoy it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Day 201: It Might Snow, Let the Southern Panic Begin!

I am frustrated about the weather. Being a Yankee, snow and ice is par for the course so it does not faze me when we get an inch or two here in easily panicked North Carolina. I discovered the apparent terror of snow last year shortly after I moved here, but it was a fairly mild winter so there were not a lot of opportunities to laugh and point. This year, however, has gotten off to a quick start. Today was the first day of the alleged snow storm season. I phrase it like this because there is an apparent trend in town that calls for snow, people panic and snow does not appear. Today was no different. Schools were let out early, workers were sent home early, grocery stores experienced frenzied shoppers lunging for bread, eggs and milk as if they were prepping for some sort of french toast-off .

It is now one in the morning and the snow never materialized in town and looking at the current weather forecast, it doesn’t look like it’s going to. I understand that if you aren’t used to driving on snowy roads, it might be a bit daunting, but you’re not driving around on glass, those are rubber tires with tread. Ice is always a problem, but a little bit of snow is going to be fine. Schools and workplaces were let out early. For what? So people could hit the grocery then rush home and glue themselves to the TV for every updated weather report? The weather reports, by the way, are frequent. In a 30 minute newscast I counted no less than 13 segments on the weather or references to it. And it was only raining. Yes, the outlying areas got some snow, but give it a rest already. It wasn’t a blizzard and the airport and city area didn’t get a damn thing.

In less than 10 hours I will hopefully be on a plane heading to areas where snow is commonplace at this time of the year. I am not looking forward to the snow, but at least there no one talks about it like it’s the apocalypse. Don’t even get me started on the fog we had earlier in the week. You’d have thought Don DeLilo’s toxic cloud had descended up the Queen City. Oh yeah, that’s what they call Charlotte, I haven’t gotten around to researching why yet, but as soon as the great fog and nonexistent snow panic of 2009 pass, I’m going to jump on that next. I just hope someone saved me some french toast, I’m starving.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Day 200: Don't Look too Closely and You Might Like What You See

Ugh. Should be a milestone day, but I’m not feeling it. Let’s just say that some days are good ones and some days not so much. I am a work in progress and while I do like myself, I recognize that I am prone to screwing things up. No one does self-sabotage better than me, honey. Still, I do try to keep my eye on the big picture, but sometimes the means to the end is not the path others would like me to take. I look at it this way, I am not a person you want to put under a microscope because if you do, you are always going to find something you don’t like. I’m best at a distance or in doses, but I need lots of space and being in my life means that sometimes you are not going to like my choices. Hell, sometimes I don’t like my choices, but I’m doing what I know how to do to get to where I need and want to be. I’m not a big fan of the way a lot of people in my life live either, but sometimes you just have to step back and ignore the bad so you can see the good. What’s that saying, you can’t see the forest for the trees? Well I’m the forest and all the stupid shit I do are the trees, but if you focus on that, you’re going to miss the really good stuff. And trust me, there is plenty of good stuff there. I may not easy to love, but I’m real and I’m working on it.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 199: Why Doesn't Our Giving Spirit Live the Rest of the Year?

The spirit of giving. I hear a lot about the spirit of charity and giving, but often find myself wondering what that means. Ask any random person on the street and the typical answer will have something to do with the time of year or holiday season. Starting with Thanksgiving, people adopt a more charitable outlook and the words giving and charity are thrown around with abundance. If it’s actually a “spirit” of giving, why don’t we give more the rest of the year? The holidays are when most people actually have less money and yet that is when giving seems most prevalent. Why don’t we give as actively throughout the year when times are easier? Kids still need toys and families still need food in the Summer months.

The husband and I heard about a charity in dire need and spent the afternoon shopping for toys before delivering them to the outreach center. Just knowing that we were doing an unselfish thing made us feel close to one another and it was a happy afternoon filled with high school like giggling, kissing and hugging. We give to charity throughout the year, both of us believing it to be very important to share what we have with others. Still, writing a check for Doctors Without Borders or Planned Parenthood has never made us almost giddy.

Perhaps the combination of the holidays, travel plans to see family and the annual financial spending frenzy that accompanies the season creates the perfect storm for giving. When you’re hemorrhaging money it’s easy to not feel an extra leak sprung in your already overextended budget. There is also that general happy feeling that often prevails as people take the time to greet one another, holiday music blares from loudspeakers and cheerful decorations peek from windows and storefronts. It just does not feel like the holidays without a little charity. The challenge then, is to be as generous the rest of the year. Why do we only sponsor families at the holidays and then bitch and moan about paying an extra $100 in taxes to support education or healthcare for those that need it? What happens to the giving spirit when we don’t have a holiday to nudge us along?

I want to remember what today felt like and maybe the next time we write a check, we’ll follow it up with a delivery to a shelter anonymous gift to a family in need. I look forward to the days when I have my bake shop. Cookies, brownies and muffins may not be what you need when you can’t pay the bills, but sometimes a basket of baked goods are exactly what your spirit needs. Personally, chocolate has never failed to perk me up. We like to think we give what we can, but if that were true we’d all have a little less and others in need would have a little more. Maybe we need a new holiday in June.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Day 198: Don't Fall for the Tough Girl Act, Sometimes I Just Want to be Friends

It constantly amazes me that we are able to get along as well as we do in society given all of the varied opinions, belief systems and moral outrage. I know we hear more about how we don’t get along and those conflicts are what make headlines, but when you really think about it, we coexist on a mostly peaceful level with friends, neighbors and family members. I do love a healthy debate and admit to being the first to point out injustice and intolerance, as well as cast judgment and generalizations, but now I’m taking on a positive note and looking at the beauty inherent in embracing one another despite our differences. ‘Tis the season, after all.

I think it is a testament to the human spirit and the intensity of our instinctual need to love and to share with our peers that we are able not just to tolerate, but to accept one another despite varying beliefs and ideology. The husband pointed out that my continually putting myself out there on sensitive topics might start doing more harm than good. I have already lost one job because of my blog and future upsets of people’s delicate sensibilities might start affecting our bottom line even more. I am looking to open a bake shop within the next 2 years, what happens to my customer base if prospective customers decide against my delicious treats due to something they read on Facebook or my blog? For that matter, what about if my strong opinions and willingness to publish them affect not just me, but my husband?

At what point is it okay to shut your mouth and even compromise a bit for the good of your bank account? Jeff is a military officer and should he rise to Colonel or higher, opinions of fellow officers sometimes take officer associations into account. I could very well end up being that opinionated loudmouth who negatively affects his promotion. He is too kind to say so of course, but I’m not that naïve about the world or the military leadership, to not see the truth. For now, I am just trying to sort out my place and after a couple of decades of not revealing too much of my true self, I am coming to it late. I always had opinions and a mouth, but I substituted political or sexual discussions for anything that might actually reveal my emotional center. This was my defense mechanism and it meant that no matter how anyone judged me I could rationalize that they were only judging my public face, not my true self.

Since beginning this journey of self back in June, however, I have made a real effort to put not just my opinions, but my heart on the line. It is potentially dangerous and hurtful, but necessary. I understand that as a business owner I will need to reign it in and I am comfortable doing so, but right now I need this for myself. It has really been uplifting to know that friends out there who I am fundamentally different from are still willing to keep a connection. (I’m going to mention a few names now, so if you read this and want me to remove you let me know.) While your extreme conservativism and love of all things Ann Coulter makes me almost physically ill Steve, I love that you continue to indulge in a humorous dialogue with me knowing how opposite we are in political beliefs. Shauna, you read my blog and appear to be a deeply invested family woman and Christian and yet you have never judged me for what I write and even go so far as to say nice things. Colleen, we could not be more different in our approaches to life and yet there is a kinship and emotional sisterhood there that makes me love and respect you and I hope you feel the same way.

All of you who continue to see value in being friends – at least through the safe distance of FB – I appreciate that you are open-minded and have not cut me off yet, despite my own lapses now and again when it comes to accepting differences. It is something I continue to struggle with and I hope that you will hang with me while I continue on my journey trying to become a better and more tolerant person. I’m not as obnoxious as I sometimes come off and while I may not take it well right off the bat, you are always welcome to tell me what you think and sometimes even that I need to shut up. Ultimately, we are all souls of the universe and underneath it all I just want to be liked and a chance to be your friend.

Day 197: Sometimes Words Can be too Comforting

For anyone that knows me, this revelation will not come as a surprise, but I like to stir things up. It’s not that I court controversy necessarily, I just really appreciate good discussion. After all these years you’d think I would be accustomed to run-ins with people who are, well let’s just say less appreciative of my fondness for debate. Sadly, I still find myself a little hurt when the name calling starts and I realize the “argumentative,” “contrarian” and “rebellious” person everyone is calling out, is me. I’m not getting into my love of discourse and controversy again, I think I’ve written about that in the past, what I’m more interested in now, is why we are all so threatened by differing opinions and cling to the comfort of like-mindedness.

It is no surprise that people want to feel a part of something bigger than themselves. None of us want to be alone in the world and it is always difficult to be that lone voice rallying against the majority. Even so, why are we almost fearful to strike out and speak the unpopular thought? Liberals cling to reassurances that their calls for change are just, and conservatives hang on Coulter’s every word, even when that word doesn’t make sense. Christians never let anyone forget for a second that they are, in fact Christian, and the religious directive of bearing witness means that they don’t just talk about their beliefs, they want to recruit you into the fold.

We take such comfort in being a part of a group that I think sometimes our individual voices get shut out. I will still embrace you if your message is different, just as I will still let you talk if your message is the same. The important thing to remember is that it is only through sharing our opinions that we are able to establish meaningful discussions. A debate need not be contentious, it just needs free expression of thoughts without judgment or anger.

Unfortunately, the topics that are the most interesting to discuss are the ones that have the greatest chance of pissing people off. Religion, abortion, politics, legalizing marijuana, obesity, immigration, war, monogamy . . . these topics are ripe for the kind of varied and opinionated conversations that make a debate fun. They are also exactly the topics that get people the most angry. If you don’t want to talk about it just move on, but don’t take it out on me because you don’t like my opinion and refuse to entertain healthy debates. A little less comfort in most of our lives would not actually hurt, maybe we’d all get up off our butts and try a little harder to make the world a better place if our lives weren’t so cushy and reassuring. Keep surrounding yourself only with people who think just like you and yes, you may feel happy and secure, but you will also be missing out on part of life’s greatness – the differences!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Day 196: A Happy Marriage Means You Don't Always Have to be Happy

For six months I wrote this blog and worried publicly about marriage, sex, miscommunication, compromise, love, loneliness, companionship, children and just about any other aspect of commitment one can imagine. I have put things out there that I know made not only the husband uncomfortable, but friends and strangers as well. While it has not always been the most productive or kind blog, and I have lost a few friends as an indirect result, what I have gained is far more valuable. I gained back a sense of self that I lost somewhere along the journey of my life and have now not only found it, but made friends with it.

My reality will always be different than yours, because it is mine. Still, through the comments and emails received by those of you that have read it, I know that I have made an impact or at least prompted thought and that is all any of us can really ask. The very fact that anyone at all wants to read my blog is still staggering to me and if you spend even a minute reflecting on something I wrote then I have achieved more than I set out to do. My goal was always just to find my place again and to reorganize my priorities. Much of that took the form of relationship issues with my husband, a fact that was not always welcomed by him.

So here I am six months later and a few weeks into the husband’s return from Iraq and you know what? I think I am healthy and possibly even happy. Very few couples have the opportunity to spend every day together 24/7 due to careers, families and other obligations. I am a person who needs time to myself and after a year of living alone I worried almost obsessively about our reunion. Of course I was happy at the thought of being together once again, but it was a rocky year and we had some issues to work out which I chose to do in a public format – again, not the husband’s preference. So now that the newness has worn off and we’ve had our time to kiss and be sappy, I have discovered one very important thing: I can be happy, but a part of me will always choose not to be.

This is not as bleak as it sounds. What I mean is that while I am completely in love and happy with my husband, I see total happiness as a trap. We lose ourselves in happiness sometimes just as much as we can lose ourselves in misery. It is important to keep in mind that the world still needs a lot of work and I do not want to live with blinders on my eyes. There is no partner in the world that could make me happier than Jeff, but that’s not the point. I will not let myself experience complete happiness for the sole reason that I do want to see the harsh realities and be able to feel the heart-wrenching tragedy that exists all over the world. So yes, I have found myself and happiness, but I still feel the pain and see the misfortune of those around me. Luckily, I found a person that loves me enough to not expect me to be happy all the time.

Day 195: Stripped Down: My Thoughts on the Pole

So I'm at a strip club on a Saturday night with my husband. Not really sure what else there is to say about that. I actually like strip clubs, it is a safe environment when you are a woman. No one is looking at me, and if someone is, most likely it is a woman. So there is a bit of a safety net in that. The husband is entertained, I can relax with a drink and there is a show. What could be better?

Strip clubs are weird things. On one hand, as a woman I do not want to subjugate a fellow sister, but at the same time I am paying for it, so you better fucking work. I want dancing, not that super slow-mo gyration and I always appreciate the girls that can do inverted splits on a pole. It is a free economy and no one is forcing anyone to strip, so should you choose it, then I am going to expect to get my money’s worth. For the record, I am also not opposed to prostitution and think it should be legal. I am a woman and let's be honest, to a certain extent we have all prostituted ourselves in one way or another. This may sound harsh, but even in a marriage you do things for your partner, be it laundry, work, travel, etc., but there is a trade off and a compromise that goes into any successful relationship. You may not call it the same thing, but at heart that’s what it is and every time you fake an orgasm or trade household chores to keep the peace, you are prostituting yourself. Men do it too, though more so in office environments, but in some way we are all whores.

The problem is the way we define whore or prostitute and the judgment we bring to it. It is only a bad thing because we have deemed it as such. We are bartering goods and services, regardless if it is housekeeping, advertising, legal advice, or a blow job. You are paying another person for a service and the only thing that makes one better than the other is our narrow-minded judgment. You don’t have to like it, but why is stripping any less of an honest day’s wage than cleaning teeth?

Right now, I am in the club watching my husband get a lap dance from Kim, the super soft, lovely Vietnamese stripper. She is nice and has been hanging out at our table during the slower periods just to talk. On one hand, it ruins the fantasy, on the other, it totally makes me love my husband more to hear him ask why she got into stripping and about her own blog while she’s sitting on his lap. It kind of makes me wonder who is really being persecuted here. Kim, who is taking off her clothes for money or my husband who feels sorry for her and keeps letting her do “one more” despite not being attracted to her. I’ve sat on a few laps of guys I wasn’t all that fond of and I didn’t get anything out of it but low self-esteem, so as far as I’m concerned, Kim’s way ahead of the game.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Day 194: Who is Qualified to Judge Your Sex Life?

I am so sick of the Tiger Woods “story.” At this point, I don’t care about the actual facts or the gossip, I just want it to go away. What might also be nice, or at least beneficial in the way of achieving a break from the public bemoaning of Tiger’s personal life, is if a lot of those people would just go get laid themselves. What gives any of us the right to judge the personal and private affairs of another person? I don’t care if it’s your neighbor, your daughter or a celebrity. Back off people and mind your business.

I am not suggesting that what Tiger has admitted to and been alleged to have done is wise or admirable, what I am saying is that what he has or has not done is none of our damn business. All of the people suddenly down on Tiger or claiming to have always disliked him are not exactly helping his wife. Public speculation and even support on an extremely personal and humiliating experience is still likely to be unwelcome. In addition, we don’t know anything about their home life. Perhaps they had an arrangement. Perhaps Elin is gay or also cheating. Perhaps it’s not our place to speculate.

It appears that I am in the minority, because whenever I hear a story like this, be it Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods or a friend, I’m not that upset. Relationships are complicated and while we all want and crave love, sex is a necessity. Our bodies have a physiological response to someone we are attracted to because we are meant to bump and grind – biologically this is likely for procreation, but prophylactics do not mean you body needs it any less. Clearly, this should not be interpreted to mean that you should bang anyone you want despite being in a relationship, but it does make it more difficult for some more in tune with their sexuality. Not everyone views sex as the most heinous of transgressions when in a relationship. Sex is biological; fidelity is moral. Is it wrong because it is factually wrong, or because we have decided as a society that it is?

Clearly there were other problems going on in that household, evidenced most clearly by the fact that the wife was checking his phone which is a huge transgression of privacy. Another big tip to problems in the Woods’ household is the fact that Tiger did not just have an affair, he appears to have chased every skirt he came into contact with. They had problems, both reacted poorly. The heart of the matter, when it comes to the public’s outrage, is our moral and yes religious roots that tell us it is wrong and unfair that someone should get to have his cake and eat it too. Did Tiger betray his wife if she was not on board with him straying, yes. I do not argue the point, but I think we all need to stop using sex as a weapon. Gay sex is offensive to some people, kinky sex is offensive to some people, sex with oneself is offensive to some people. Why the hell is anyone else’s sex life even open to your scrutiny? Maybe your safe, boring, lifelong monogamy is offensive to me. Still not the point. It doesn’t matter if it is wrong, it matters that it’s not your place to judge.

If Tiger and his wife cannot get past this, it is their issue to debate, argue and ultimately act upon. The same is true of your sex life, because IT IS YOURS. Leave other people’s bedroom antics, infidelity and fetishes alone and focus on your own lives. No one is asking you to cheat or to accept or admire Tiger for his actions. You just need to recognize it as none of your concern and stop obsessively reading the gossip columns for tiny nuggets of truth hidden in vats of slimy trash. I doubt you want me in your bedroom judging your habits and trust me, your delicate little hearts couldn’t take mine.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Day 193: "Happy Holidays" is Not the Same as Pissing on the Baby Jesus

Happy Holidays! This cheerful greeting seems to be causing quite a stir in recent years. For some reason, many of you out there seem to get all hot and bothered (and not in the good, I just accidentally rubbed up against Matthew McConaughey way) about people saying happy holidays instead of the less secular “Merry Christmas.” Why all the hostility over a chosen greeting? It’s not like people are saying “I Shit on Christmas!” Now there is even a Facebook group called something like “I say Merry Christmas, not Happy Holidays.” All the fuss kind of makes me want to ask, who the hell cares you self-obsessed little whiners?

I love Christmas, I was raised in a very happy and Christmas-centric household, but living in more diverse places taught me that not everyone celebrates the same way. Christmas is a Christian holiday at heart, but many of us choose to not celebrate that aspect of it and embrace the beauty and wonderment of sparkly decorations, holiday baking and excessively wrapped presents. It is the best of the consumer holidays and never fails to make me happy. Despite the religious overtones of many of the traditional Christmas carols I belt them out loud and proud, mainly because the irony of a drummer boy kickin’ it at the manger cracks me up.

Even with all my Christmas cheer (a perpetual joy I manage by being grumpy the other 11 months of the year to save it all up for the holidays) I recognize that others are still celebrating, though it may not be Christmas. Chanukah, Kwanzaa and whatever holidays celebrated by those other equally valid religions I don’t know anything about, all deserve a little cheer and acknowledgment too. So why not say Happy Holidays? It’s not a swipe at Jesus, it’s just an acceptance that we are different. If you cannot embrace tolerance at the holidays then when can you and for that matter, how good of a Christian can you possibly be? So many people have forgotten the true message behind Christianity: acceptance, tolerance, peace, blah, blah, blah.

The holidays are a time to be happy, enjoy family and friends, spend too much money on crap no one needs and eat excessive amounts of high-fat, calorically laden foods. If we cannot find it in our hearts to be tolerant of others at this time of year, then we might as well just give up all pretense and start beating the crap out of everyone who does not think like us. My policy is and has been for a long time, to say Merry Christmas back to those who say it to me first and Happy Holidays in all other instances, unless I know you’re Jewish in which case I will say Happy Chanukah. What can I say, I just want everyone to be happy. I’m a giver like that.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Day 192: Some Traditions Soothe You Body and Soul

I am a drinker. In fact, I am slow to trust those that choose not to drink. Alcoholism aside, drinking is a social ritual and one that need not lead to blatant intoxication. A robust and decadent wine can bathe you in a feeling of indulgence, creating a soothing sensation of richness and warmth. The perfect cocktail, expertly matched to your mood will lift you up, it’s happy buoyancy reaffirming your positive world view. It can also sink down with you, quiet and commiserating company to your lonely misery. Drinking is as much a tradition as your holiday customs and one that should be equally well preserved.

Despite my being late to drinking, I have committed great amounts of time and energy to building my tolerance and expanding beyond the fruity vodka drink or easily palatable blush wine of my twenties. Spirits and wine now represent trusted companions and I choose my friends very carefully. I have never been one simply to drink for the sake of drinking. I much prefer water or hot tea to a cocktail most times throughout the day, but there are always those moods or occasions that cry out for the perfect complement. An afternoon with friends, holiday celebrations, late nights out, brunch or luxurious moments alone, all can be paired with a libation to enhance your emotional state.

The feel of a quality glass in your hand and the supple, pleasantly pungent taste of the proper alcoholic accompaniment sometimes is an occasion in and of itself. There are, of course, those moments when we all over-indulge and at those times it ceases to be about the joy and comfort of the ritual. Drunkenness leads you to a state in which it matters not if you drink a single malt or fine wine, aged and tended to laboriously or a can of the cheapest and warmest swill beer. I sometimes believe that those who do not drink by choice are under the misguided notion that the only point of drinking is intoxication. This mistake is often precipitated by copious recreational drinking involving keg stands, jello shots and harry buffalo punch while still in high school or college. True drinking is about the experience, the ritual, the quality barware and spirits you would never, ever drink from a plastic cup.

I have fallen in love over the right wine and nursed a breaking heart with whiskey. Most of my favorite vacations would not evoke such happy memories had rum drinks, sangria and concoctions aptly titled “Governor’s House” not been consumed. One of my most beloved restaurants in New York is loved first for it’s massive pitchers of freshly made mojitos rather than the delicious Cuban tapas. Friendships that otherwise might have died for lack of common interests or never been born in the first place, have well-timed and tended cocktails to blame. I respect your restraint, but feel it is unnecessary. Imbibe, enjoy, relax and let your taste buds and mind take a journey inspired by the exotic flavors of Spain, Ireland, California’s Central Coast, Russia, South Africa, Japan or Italy. Raise a glass, make a friend, meet a lover or just soothe your soul – whatever you do, I know a spirit or wine that can do it with you.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Day 191: Please Stop Naming Your Children After Strippers

Tonight we watched an episode of Southpark that we soon discovered was airing on MTV. This little fact came sharply into focus when Southpark ended and something called “16 and Pregnant” began. I stopped watching anything on MTV after year two of The Real World so just having MTV on was a shock. First instinct for both of us was to lunge for the remote and change the channel, but after the teaser I was hooked. This show appeared to be a complete piece of trash and it made good on that promise. What intrigued me was that it seemed almost impossible to believe that these girls could turn out any other way.

The evidence is present in their names, socio-economic status and parents. The girls were named Maci, Amber, Catelynn and Farrah. So right off I’m thinking if they had not gotten knocked up at 16, they would clearly grow up to be strippers. Next, they were all from tiny to relatively small towns and none seemed to have any aspirations aside from a GED or high school diploma. Thirdly, their parents were mostly horrible. One of whom actually called her daughter a bitch on camera. I had some horrific fights with my Mother when I was a teenager, but I don’t think I ever even heard her use the word bitch, let alone call me that.

My favorite couple just due to extreme dysfunction, tried to be responsible, moving away from damaging home environments to get a place together. The boyfriend was so clueless as to how adulthood and parenthood worked that he immediately spent $500 on a Playstation 3 and some sort of game package. After being strongly admonished by his pregnant teenage girlfriend he tried to return it (not sure if he was successful) before buying his baby mama a $21.40 engagement ring from Walmart. Um, yes, that’s correct. Dad spent $500 on a game system and a whopping $21 on an engagement ring. After watching that I actually punched my husband in the shoulder as an expression of female outrage toward selfish and stupid men everywhere.

Okay, got off the point there a bit, but what I’m trying to say (and badly) is that if you name your kid a stripper name, parent like you hate your kids, are too exhausted from working too many jobs to make ends meet and never teach your children to want better, there is a good chance they will not achieve better. Sometimes we are self-fulfilling prophecies. It is difficult to see outside of your narrow world view when no one opens up a window for you. These girls seem doomed to continue the cycle of their own parents. Having money or education does not mean you will turn out to be a great person any more than being poor and uneducated dooms you to unhappiness, but a stripper name lasts a lifetime.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Day 190: Keeping Up With the Virtual Jones'

Is Facebook the new keeping up with the Jones’? Is it actually necessary for us to post all of our daily activities online? I am as guilty as everyone else, I didn’t have much of a filter before Facebook and now it is even easier to bare my soul to the world, virtual or otherwise. Funny updates are always good, enlightening updates are also appreciated, but do we need to know that you’re navigating a public restroom or out to dinner with friends? The more I think about the FB epidemic, the more I perceive it as our current way of competing with one another. It used to be bigger homes, nicer yards, a better car – these were our methods of gauging our personal success. Now, we compare weekend plans, vacations, children’s photos and love lives all courtesy of that little status bar beckoning us to share.

I feel the pressure, but still straddle the line on a daily basis. I certainly do not want to post embarrassing moments or unattractive photos of myself (as a woman who tends to be very unphotogenic, there are lots of those in existence) so I opt for cute and/or skinny photos. Still, I think it’s sometimes funny to mock myself, so I’m game to put up goofy or retro, big-hair and shoulder pad photos too. I am just as narcissistic as the next insecure, shallow woman, but I recognize it about myself so at least I approach it with a sense of humor. There are those days, however, when I read the updates of my friends and feel like I’m not living up to the exciting lifestyle they are pursuing. Unlike Evan and his girl, I am not constantly hitting the slopes or living my own personal mini X-games life. Nor am I hitting the latest music scene in the Bay area or even navigating the commuters of my beloved NYC.

Facebook makes me a little bit envious of all of you. Yes, your family is beautiful, your trip looks like a dream vacation, your hobbies more exciting than shots at the pub. I read what you are doing and think how can I possibly compete? Every day I find myself searching for the exciting, entertaining or at the very least, mildly amusing, anecdote in my daily events. I’m not looking to lie or elaborate, I just want to seem as cool as all of you. So while in the past, we worried about what car the Jones’ had in their driveway, these days I’m not even sure if you have a car, but I know exactly what your dinner plans are and I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 189: I'd LIke to Sit All Over Your Invocation

A Rabbi, an Atheist and some Army guys were all at a football game this Sunday. This sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn’t it? Well, it’s actually how I spent my afternoon and it started me thinking about what we take for granted and the judgments we make about people not like us. It started with the announcement that we should stand for the invocation, which was delivered by a local Rabbi. This was the first time I’ve ever been at a game for an invocation. I’m not sure if this is because I’m usually not in my seat that early, or other teams simply do not have one, but whatever the reason I was a bit surprised and unsure how to handle it.

As everyone else rose, I remained seated, not to be disrespectful, but simply because I am not a believer and it seems both compromising and disingenuous to pretend otherwise. A sharp look from the husband, who was there with a group of Army troops and I slowly rose to my feet. I did the respectful thing and it did not hurt me to do so, but I was beginning to anger underneath. Why do I have to show respect so as not to offend everyone else? Are my beliefs not to be respected as well? Had I remained sitting down, there would inevitably be people shaking their heads in disapproval and possibly even one or two who felt the need to chastise me verbally. My own husband was embarrassed that I did not want to stand up and would have felt uncomfortable had I chosen to remain seated in front of his soldiers.

I have no issue with respecting your beliefs, my issue is that no one seems to respect mine. I am in a minority group when it comes to my chosen religious beliefs, but since when is being in a minority group a crime? We live in a democratic society, which says I cannot be persecuted for my religious beliefs and yet I am repeatedly put in situations in which I am expected to just “go along” or “not make a scene.” I do not want to make a scene. I am not choosing a path simply to be different, I am following what I believe in a relatively quiet way. I do not canvas my neighbors to join my cause, I do not expect guests in my home to renounce God. By the same token, if I am a guest in your home and you choose to say grace before dinner, I will stand or sit quietly, not praying, but not objecting either. That is respect. If I asked you or my husband to sit down with me during the invocation at a public venue to support me, would you do it? Doubtful.

I am not respected as a member of a minority group, I am considered an outsider. Where is the respect for my right to believe there is no higher power? True, we have freedom of religion in this country, not freedom from religion, but I look at atheism as my chosen religious belief. You don’t have to agree, but you do need to respect it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Day 188: The Ups and Downs of Hot Opposite Sex Friends

Let’s talk about navigating the tricky and sometimes dangerous waters of opposite sex friends. I say tricky and dangerous for a few reasons. There is the issue of keeping the friend line secure and not crossing it, then there is the sometimes sticky concern of even having opposite gender friends when you are in a relationship or marriage and finally you have to constantly let it be known to prospective suitors that you are strictly friends so as not to damage chances of a hook-up. Once you lay it all out it seems almost too exhausting to bother. Then again, friends of the opposite sex can be incredibly rewarding in an altogether different way than your other friends. I have always had guy friends and the husband has respected it, but what I am now trying to balance is how to have single guy friends and not get in their way.

I am a greedy woman by nature. I like to be the center of attention and I prefer not to feel like the third wheel. Accordingly, I am not a wallflower when out with friends and this sometimes causes difficulties if a guy friend is trying to make a move on a girl or vice versa and I’m insinuating myself into the conversation. Add to this the fact that I tend not to have unattractive friends. I do not specifically have a no uglies policy, but all of my friends, male or female, have been attractive throughout my life. They have been of varying heights and weights, but basically attractive. So when you have hot friends of the opposite sex it only makes sense that you want them to only put the moves on people you deem to be attractive. It is bad for my ego if I’m out with a guy friend and he decides that rather than hang with me, he’s going to try to hook up with the semi-attractive girl a few stools over. I mean, what the hell, you’d seriously rather try to hook up with a marginally attractive girl than have a stimulating, drunken conversation with me?

It’s the ego. I am an arrogant woman in addition to the selfishness thing. I realize I do not offer the benefits of a single girl, but still, I hope I’m more stimulating just because I’m smart, entertaining and not completely unattractive. This is the difference between men and women friends. Women take everything as a judgment. I completely understand and will even help you land the hot chick, but don’t throw me over for someone who my dog wouldn’t hump. Still, it’s not all about that. Sometimes I find myself almost apologizing for being friends with a guy when I can tell a girl likes him. She gives me little looks trying to size me up, deciding if I am competition or not. So there I am, blatantly showing off my wedding ring, gratuitously telling stories about my husband, politely inquiring about her. In all honesty, I could care less about her and I don’t want my friend to hook up with her. I want my guy friends to show undying devotion to me and to forego their personal lives to assuage my selfish ego.

This is not the way the world works of course, and though I am selfish, I also care about my friends. I am a good wingwoman and will help them get the girl. Just because I’d rather have a devoted husband and devoted guy friends who chose celibacy just for the chance to talk to me does not mean I am blind to reality. This still leaves a difficult path, however, in that at some point the guy friends will meet a girl and then he won’t want to be my guy friend so much. He’ll chose his girl over me and then, there goes my ego. I still think guy friends are easier than women friends, but at some point the girl gets the guy and she doesn’t like me doing shots with her man. Not all that sure the husband likes that either, but after five years he’s learned when something is worth a fight and when to just roll his eyes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Day 187: I Don't Want to be Like the President

Why do we insist on trying to create leaders from people who are just like us? Those people who describe a politician as real, down to earth, reminds me of someone I’d hang out with, etc. are missing the most important point. DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR DUMBASS NEIGHBOR RUNNING YOUR GOVERNMENT? Sure, they’re nice to have over for a BBQ or at the block party, but Sue and Ed aren’t exactly White House material. I’m sorry Sarah Palin and George Bush Jr. supporters, but the reasons you gave for liking these two politicians are practically a guidebook for what not to vote into office. This is not to say that it is limited to Republicans, there are plenty of stupid Democrats out there as well, these are just the two most recent examples that fit this model. Still don’t get where I’m going with this? Well jump aboard the logic train and I’ll help you figure it out.

I am a smart person. Most of my friends are smart people. Smart is great at a dinner party, but we’re talking about the leader of the free world. Smart isn’t going to cut it, I need you to be really fucking ahead of the curve. How many times in the last decade have you heard candidates for higher offices criticized for being too “ivory tower,” “too smart” or “too contemplative”? Um, it’s kind of an important job, maybe our emphasis should be on finding someone highly intelligent rather than on finding someone who we can relate to. I don’t want to relate to those in charge, I want to believe they are smarter, more educated, more experienced and more worldly than I am. Come on, we’re not talking about running the tailgate; this is slightly more complex. Do you really want your poker buddy to have the nuclear codes?

I do appreciate a politician that is able to put things in terms that might make more sense to me, but there is a line on the folksy down to earth talk. Sure you don’t have to go to Harvard or Princeton, but whatever school you go to, I think you should have an average higher than a C minus. You should also understand the grammatical structure and syntax of our language and perhaps your leadership experience should extend to a population larger than that of the mall on Black Friday. Sure, you could argue that however educated and charismatic you are, committing adultery in the Oval office is not all that bright, but banging a marginally attractive chick does not necessarily negate from your foreign policy experience. Yes I liked Clinton, still like him and love the wife, they are proven leaders with tons of experience. There have also been conservative leaders I respect, but that’s not the point.

What is the point, you ask? Well, it stemmed from a video of a Sarah Palin book signing. I don’t dislike Ms. Palin. She’s a strong, opinionated woman and I dig that, I also think she is actually quite bright and very savvy. The woman has made a career for herself out of nothing, but she has VERY limited actual political experience and that is my main issue with her. Bush Jr. sets off way more alarm bells, but people seem to like these two for the same reasons. The plain speak. It makes those in the middle feel more comfortable and less like they are being talked down to. Well you know what, if you’re the leader of the free world I want you to have to speak down to me for the sheer reason that you are so much more intelligent and politically experienced. Wisdom, experience and education are not bad things. So if you want to chill with me at the bar, have a drink and watch Sportscenter, then you betcha, I’m in. If, however, you want to be President I’m going to need a little more from you.

Day 186: I Don't Know About Christ, but I Want to put the Cookies Back in Christmas

With just three weeks until Christmas, my favorite consumer holiday, I am a little bit blue. In the seventeen years I have lived on my own I have only had a tree once. Do not mistake me for a Scrooge kind of woman, I love decorating for the holidays. I come from a family where every room, including the bathroom, was carefully and laboriously decorated each year. My own failing in this area is largely because I have lived in apartments and always traveled at the holidays. It’s just not as charming to take the time to lovingly pick out and decorate a tree if you’re not there to enjoy it and come home to dead needles all over the floor. No, in my house Christmas is a transient holiday, one that I travel to, not one that exists at home. If I were the religious type this would be the perfect opportunity to make the Christian wet dream come true and put “Christ” back in Christmas, but instead I choose to ignore all the religious implications and focus on baking and shopping. Sorry baby Jesus.

It’s not that I don’t want to decorate, I’ve been lugging around boxes full of decorations for the entire 17 years, but in the most recent years I’ve foregone even opening them. What I do enjoy is the baking and wrapping of gifts. I’m what you might call an obsessive holiday baker. Since the tree thing and decorations have fallen off, I put all my energy into baking and if I don’t get to bake, it’s not Christmas. A dozen different cookies, two types of coffee cake, six varieties of candy . . . screw the tree, the baked goods are the heart of the holiday. My other great love is wrapping gifts. I love the tissue, the variety of wrapping, bows, ribbons, sharp scissors and the blessed invention for all good gift wrappers: double sided tape. It was never so much the tree on its own that made it Christmas, it was the sight of all the carefully gift-wrapped presents underneath and the many platters of cookies and candy.

This year, however, I am missing the tree. Not sure why after so many years it’s now weighing on me, maybe I am just ready to settle in my own home for the holidays. The annual pilgrimage home to celebrate with family for the week means I am never quite able to just be at home. I want to be cooking and baking on Christmas Eve. I want to sit in my living room aglow from the lights on the tree and burning candles. I love my family and when I don’t get to spend the holiday with them I miss it terribly, but I hate being gone the entire week and forfeiting my own holiday traditions. In some ways I feel like I am stuck at the kiddie table, just waiting until I can graduate to the same traditions all the grown-ups celebrate. There’s no tree, no wrapped gifts, and no kids up at the crack of dawn excitedly begging for it to be time to open presents. All my memories of Christmas remain just that and I’m ready to start making some holiday memories of my own.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 185: I Bet Obama's Never Been so Happy Someone Else is Getting Laid

Just 24 hours after the President announced an increase of thirty thousand troops deploying to Afghanistan, a war which is becoming increasingly unpopular, you’d expect to hear all sorts of criticism, complaints and analysis. Despite this expectation, what I’ve read, watched, heard and debated is the Tiger Woods saga. I’m calling it a saga mainly because of the overwrought melodrama injected by all the speculation of media, gossip mags and the public. We are looking at three more years of war in Afghanistan and perhaps a longer period depending on how extended the withdrawal process becomes. So why are we only talking about the personal life of someone none of us actually know?

I am the first to admit that I was not a fan of Tiger when he broke onto the golf scene. I felt that winning was too easy for him and that he needed to pay his dues and earn his place of honor in the golf world. He has since won me over with years of dedication and hard work. I like golf, I like watching golf and I like watching Tiger because you never know when his next great shot might happen. I don’t watch him hoping for great interviews or displays of frivolity. Tiger is a consummate professional when it comes to golf and it’s solely because of golf that he is famous. So no, I don’t care about his personal life. I am not interested in his marriage or if he is faithful to his wife. I also don’t want to know if you are faithful in your relationships or if that cut on your forehead is because you actually did run into the medicine cabinet.

In some ways, Obama caught a break. Troop levels will increase with a limited amount of negative criticism and debate. Even criticism of healthcare reform took a backseat to the TW saga. As someone who supports both our President’s efforts to reform healthcare and the troop increase (yes, I’m still a pacifist) I am somewhat glad for the distraction. Even so, I am incredibly disturbed by how obsessed we all seem to be when we find out a celebrity is not perfect. Shocking to know they are actually real people with complicated lives, flaws and temptations, eh?

I’ve heard people criticize him because Tiger is a role model. My argument on this point is that he is and should remain a role model as an athlete. He takes his job very seriously and is an excellent example of work ethics and professionalism. He does not gossip or ridicule fellow golfers, keeps his personal life out of the media (until he couldn’t anymore) and does not show up drunk or doing drugs in gossip magazine photos. I would be happy to have a child look up to him as a role model. I do not, however, believe that we should allow ourselves or our children to confuse public roles models with personal and ethical role models. A great leader does not necessarily equal a great person. Tiger is a man. His skill lies not in Mother Theresa-like humanity, but in golf. I wouldn’t want to be judged for the skeletons in my closet either, but you’re welcome to judge me for what I put out into the world on purpose. My blog, my public opinions, my work, but back up off my personal life, because if you didn’t catch the title, it’s PERSONAL.