Day 358: Go Ahead and Jump, We All Need It

Why are there some things that we do just because they are against the rules? A particular act that on its own might not be all that exciting or appealing suddenly becomes so much more compelling simply because there is a possibility that you might get in trouble. As children and teens we may do things that get us into trouble, but we don't really want to be punished, as adults there might be times, however, when the very possibility of being arrested or ticketed is cool simply for the story.Who are these risk takers and why do they do it?


My friend Colleen jumped off a rock wall into a lake today with the lake police staked out nearby. She was thinking about jumping anyway, but the warnings by fellow boaters that the lake fuzz were ticketing for that very act proved too much for her to deny. She jumped and after no one admonished her for it she became a little disappointed. Where was her moment of glory for breaking the rules and living like a rebel? It's hard to be a badass when not even the lake equivalent of mall security take notice.


Life can be pretty staid and as we get older and more experienced the quest for adventure or novelty might take us in unexpected directions. Rebelling against authority is not reserved just for teenagers, even adults need to feel a little wild and out of control now and again. Most adults are generally responsible individuals with families, careers, and respectability. For them, giving the bird to Bed, Bath and Beyond as they drive by might be all the rebellion they need. Just as diving off a rock illegally might be the leather jacket and greased back hair of their otherwise responsible Mommy-time. 


We need adventure to feel alive and young. It is the unpredictability and even uncertainty in life that leave us with that charge of adrenaline. So a Mom with four kids, husband and countless responsibilities gets off on playing hooky and taking a day for herself once in a while or the serious businessman with very grounded vision loses himself in video games two hours a week. We need these outlets and somehow the more dangerous or consequence-laden they seem, the more inevitable they become. 


Oddly enough, for someone like me it is almost the opposite. I do not live a life of great responsiblity to others. My life is mine and aside from juggling the responsibilities of partnering up, I get to make mistakes, speak inadvisably, and generally fuck up whenever I want. I live a little bit like my hair is on fire all the time so when a situation presents itself that can make others feel alive, I usually do not feel that same pull. I already routinely drive 90, rebel against authority and duck responsibility. I have clashed  with parents, teachers, bosses, friends and the law and my adrenaline response to it is no longer what it used to be. I live a fairly wild life in many respects so I do not always need to seek out the extra drama. 


Conversely, those of you in the world that find yourselves living for more than just your own gratification are likely to experience this outlaw orgasm. You are the pleasers of life, the middle children, the easy-going, the responsibility driven. You do what is expected of you and crave the adrenaline rush of doing something ill-advised or taboo. So you jump from that rock and secretly hope that by weekend's conclusion you'll be regaling the crowd with stories of your $75 ticket for . . . well, whatever offense something like jumping off a rock into the lake might be. You need it because like all of us, we need balance. I live an breathe rebellion so what I need is stability -- enter the husband. You might live stability and need a little crazy. Either way, we're all looking for the same overall balance, we just assess risk a bit differently. I jump a little each day, but the danger in that is that sooner or later I'm going to find myself too tired or too far out to make it back to safety. It's a game of balance and without that, our lives will forever be unsatisfied.

Day 357: I Don't Have Children so I'm Not Going to Read Their Books

Once again I find myself embroiled in a semi-heated discussion about Harry Potter books and my refusal to read them. The husband has read them, friends have read them, every child on the planet has read them, but no, I will not read them and I am pretty comfortable with that choice despite the, sometimes rabid, praise fans throw at them. I suppose I should back up and state clearly that my refusal to read them has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I believe that they are, in fact, CHILDREN’S LITERATURE and at last check I am an adult.

I have no problem with the subject matter or storylines. Thanks to the husband’s influence I have seen all the movies and while they continue to perplex and slightly annoy me, they are capable of mindless enjoyment on the big screen. HP can be a fun and whimsical ride, and while I would never choose to watch the movies on my own, I was able to watch them and even like them to a degree. Even so, I am not willing to read the books or to even concede that anyone over the age of 18 should read them.

It’s not going to make you a bad person if you read them. I’m certainly not going to disown my husband or friends for disagreeing with my good taste in reading material, but I’m not going to praise theirs either. My friend asked why I won’t read them and I replied honestly that I am a book snob and do not have the time to read books meant for children. Please do not deny that this is the intended audience. The author herself admits to writing for children. From my viewpoint there are dozens of books being published every week that I will never have the time to read. Books about life, politics, history, issues, as well as quality fiction are out there demanding my attention and I am falling further and further behind.

Reading something frivolous like HP would be a huge waste of time for me, but beyond that I refuse to look past the fact that it is written for children and teens. I have never disputed the fact that it is well-written (so I’ve heard), interesting or entertaining, I dispute that it is written for adults. As much as I enjoyed Sweet Valley High when I was sixteen and know that I would love to catch up with Elizabeth and Jessica, I also know that at 37 there are other books that I want and need to be spending my time on. Not because I am better or smarter, but because I want to and also, I’m a huge book snob!

I have my vices and I’m no better than anyone, but I will not ever concede to reading HP. If I had kids, it would be different, but I do not and will not and so I shall not. If being a book snob is the biggest crime I can commit then I guess I’m not all bad. Life is serious and I understand we all need our “beach read” equivalents, but kid’s lit is not mine. Read it if you like, talk to me about it if you must, but know going in that I will not change my mind. I do consider my books to be “serious literature” and it’s the one thing I am very proud of in my life. I enjoy quality books, both fiction and non-fiction, but I stick to my age range, because the truth is, if I opened myself up to everything I’d definitely never catch up and I can’t take the anxiety. Right now I’m reading three non-fiction books and listening to a fourth as an audio download, there just isn’t a lot of time for HP or Judy Bloom or any other kid friendly title. But I do have time to make fun of you should you decide to waken the book snob.

Day 356: Lazy Days Equal Lazy Brains

I am currently working at one of the easiest jobs of my professional career and yet I am exhausted all the time. For nine hours a day (they do not pay over the lunch hour) I sit in a very low-key and fun office and fight the inevitable urge to doze off. It started me thinking about why a job that is neither mentally nor physically taxing can be so tiring. Of course that’s when I realized that any pursuit that we are not truly engaged in on some level will be boring and mentally draining. We are essentially creatures of work and when that aspect of our lives is not fulfilled the sloth-like impulses begin to take over.

This is not my first mindless job, but it is the first that is both mindless and physically easy. I sit in a comfortable leather chair and stair at a computer for eight hours a day. The company itself is great, it’s a national marketing firm that plans, coordinates and tracks elite events, travel, rewards programs, etc., for things like the Superbowl, the Kentucky Derby, and the Masters. My current position their, however, is not fun or exciting and I dread getting up every morning knowing what lie ahead.

The human body is an amazing machine capable of great physical acts. It also possesses a brain that we have made very little progress trying to understand due to its complexity. Mind-numbing activity that could likely be completed with equal ease from a comatose state is not what we are made for. I am so tired, in fact, that after a long day of doing nothing I am too exhausted to work out. I feel my body craving the physical exertion and yet I can barely muster the energy to move the clean dishes from the dishwasher to the kitchen cabinets.

Back in the days of my undergrad I went to classes and worked two jobs that were both physical in nature for the most part. I was utilizing both my brain and my braun and yet I do not remember being this tired every morning when the alarm goes off, throughout the day, and ever night when my head finally hits the pillow. There is the small point that I was nearly twenty or so years younger and therefore had more energy naturally, but I think there is more to it. We need to be active in our bodies and in our minds. The less you do, the less you want to do and that is the golden path toward a life without purpose or fulfillment.

I am so anxious for grad school to start. I want to get back to a career that matters to me, one that necessitates working weekends or taking work home with me at night. It is tiresome, yes, but it gives a sense of achievement and value that we need in our lives. I often wondered how my much-hated Stepfather managed to work at a factory for so many years. I cannot imagine that meatsuit being capable of much else, but the mere notion of standing in one place doing a repetitive activity for ten hours a day terrified me. We are meant for more and greater things and right now I am contributing nothing to my own growth or that of the world besides a paycheck. It is nice to have this feeling anytime I start to get a little scared at the idea of going back to school and working at the same time. It will be daunting, but daunting can be good, it’s how we know what we are capable of and drives us to accomplish more.

Day 355: What was Frost's LIne, Nothing Gold Can Stay?

It was one of those surreal evenings. The weather, suddenly turned perfect, made driving in my convertible a welcome and soothing experience. Just before dusk the temperature was 76 and though the sun was not yet set there was a full moon, white and enormous, hanging low in the sky. Across from the moon was what they call a vanilla sky. The pastel streaks had a golden glow from the remaining sunlight giving the wisps and semi fluffs of clouds a delicious glow. So there I was, driving down the road, wind in my hair, beautiful evening weather, life was good. Yet the beauty I admired in the world at that moment was conspiring against someone else to make his night a lousy one.

In the midst of my revelry, I noticed a cop driving behind me. Within minutes he suddenly passed and sped ahead. Ha! Not even a possible speeding ticket would ruin my night. Then, just as I crested the hill I found out where he was in such a hurry to get to. Three cop cars with lights flashing were pulled over behind one lone civilian vehicle. Really, I thought to myself, it takes three to pull one guy over? That’s when I noticed the best part. The guy was black, sitting behind the wheel talking to two officers standing outside his door. If he’s so dangerous, why haven’t they ordered him out of the car?

Here’s the deal. This wasn’t some tricked out car with a bunch of tough looking guys in it. It was a beat up civic from probably 1997. The guy driving looked like he weighed less than me and he had who I am guessing is his girlfriend in the seat beside him. They were completely normal looking. No weird hairstyles, jewelry, prison face tats or anything else that might signal they could be bad news. I’m sitting at a stop light just beside them watching all this go down and thinking how annoying this must be for that couple to have such a beautiful evening ruined like this. They were so normal looking and that’s not to say that ordinary people can not and do not commit violent crimes or that all edgier looking types do, but I would never have pegged this guy as someone to watch out for.

What could he have possibly done to demand the attention of three cop cars and what looked to be five officers? They didn’t even appear to be in a hurry to get him out of the car, search him, cuff him, or whatever else they do. From my admittedly very limited perspective, this guy got pulled over for a traffic stop and because he was black they called for back-up. Of course I have no actual idea what happened or why he was pulled over, but I do know that I have seen this scene play out more than once and never with a white guy behind the wheel.

Life can be so beautiful and perfect and everything can seem to be a little brighter and happier and then in a moment your whole outlook is thrown on its head. Maybe this guy was a drug dealer who stole that car and the girl was his hooker and they were carrying smack and guns and who knows what else, but maybe we’re just a bunch of assholes who read too much into cultural differences and not enough into common sense. I just wanted one night’s drive to be as perfect as it felt, and instead the ugliness of real life came crashing in on my perfection. I hope that guy was a criminal, because I’d hate to think he and his girl missed that moon and beautiful vanilla sky because they were being hassled by some ignorant and misdirected power-hungry authority figures.

Day 354: Limping Along for Love

I wonder sometimes if I will hold up as a good partner to my husband. Mentally, I’m not worried. Despite my inherent crazy we are both intelligent people with a variety of interests. Emotionally, we’re all kind of fucked up so that’s a wash. What I’m really worried about is my health and my physical ability to be the kind of partner Jeff deserves. I cannot predict the future in general or even my state of mind from minute to minute, but I know that I always want to love this man and be happy and healthy enough to be what we need.

Physically, I’m old. My hands are arthritic and they hurt now almost constantly. The fingers began to gently lean to the sides a decade ago and are now even more pronounced. My neck and back have been chronically plagued with pain and stiffness since I was a teen and that contributes largely to my frequent headaches. I have weak ankles, aching feet and my eyesight’s not getting any better. For all I know, I could be on the path to MS or some other physical disability that limits our active life together.

It’s hell getting old, but it’s worse when you enter into it with physical ailments and limitations already looming over your head well before their time. Jeff is an active man and aside from a few back problems due largely to jumping out of planes for a living, he’s going to want to be active for a long time and if I can’t even grip the reins, how am I going to ride along? I’m not prone to sickness, but my muscular-skeletal system is crap and I know it. It hurts now to type this, sometimes it hurts just doing my hair. It might be a long ugly road, or at least one paved with bad hair days. Damn Jeff and his perfect eyesight!

Day 353: Do Something; Be Alive!

I feel overwhelmed by the seriousness of reality. Most people I know are so consumed with simply living their lives, raising their kids and watching crappy reality TV that there is little time to ponder politics, war, environment and animal abuse. I tend to obsess over the issues and global tragedies . . . in between watching crappy TV (though not reality based). It’s overwhelming, this impact that events around the world have the potential to inflict. My life is so insignificant in comparison, but after long periods of alternately obsessing over my own emotional state and the state of the world I really just need some mashed potatoes and a good book.

What is our responsibility in the world? We can’t force other people to be active or to get involved, but we can do everything possible to make them aware. Then again, that can come off as pushy or pompous. I remember what it was to grow up in a household that was so stretched to the limit that there was no room for anything else. My Mother was poor, she worked full time, raised two kids, had a constantly broken down car and felt poorly much of the time. At what point was she supposed to start a letter writing campaign, volunteer, or march on Washington?

I cannot in good conscience call my friends or family willfully ignorant because they make their priorities those issues that affect their daily lives. I do not know what it is to be them or to deal with what they must face. We all have our own path to walk and for some of us that means we will champion causes and action, for others it means writing checks and calling it helping, and for still others it means just getting by the best they can.

The current state of the world is this: worst ecological man-made disaster in history (oil spill), war, terrorism, extreme poverty, starvation, natural disasters, drug cartel violence, humanitarian violations, genocides, child abuse, animal abuse, and on and on. The current state of the average person is work, bills, kids, house, marriage, errands, and very little sleep. There is not much room for overlap in that equation. Do the best that you can. Read the paper or watch real news now and again and try to make an effort to be active in at least one thing that you believe in. We can’t all save the world, I know I can’t, but I can try to make a difference in whatever way fits with my life. The husband goes to war; I protest war. We each do what we feel is best and if we can get every citizen of the world to just champion one cause they feel connected to, it will be enough. Be active. Be aware. Be alive.

Day 352: My Right, May be Your Wrong

What is wrong and right? You hear it all the time. People talk about doing the “right thing” or knowing the difference between right and wrong and yet if it is so cut and dry why do we not have a clearer guidance on knowing what is right and what is wrong.

I think a popular gauge is based on religious morality. People look to their church and religious belief system to help them identify the right or wrong paths. Unfortunately, this is just another shade of gray, not a clear answer and it only works for those firm believers in that one specific religion. For example if we have five religions based on five varying philosophies, then in essence we have five Gods, but since each of these five religions claim there is only one God, we know that cannot be true. It must hold true then, that at least four of those religions are wrong in some part and following their guidelines to the letter may not actually lead you to the righteous path.

In many cases right is different depending on the person and his or her situation. A starving person might believe it is just for him to steal fruit or bread to help feed himself and his family, whereas a well-fed person with no worries about where his next meal will come from might sit in his pew and judge all stealing to be equally wrong. What is right for a child, might be different than for an adult. Wrong in the sense of business ethics does not necessarily equal a wrong to a farmer. The rich and the poor might view right and wrong with different lenses and those of us without any religion at all will have to get our ethical belief system from somewhere else entirely.

What is wrong for one person might not be wrong for another. There are shades of gray as I’m fond of saying and to judge the actions of another person by any one set of standards is not fair. We all have to decide on a code to live by and that code must balance what is good for the many with what is right for the individual. I believe it is impossible to live a life in which no one ever gets hurt. The truth hurts sometimes, lies hurt, life is complicated and we are prone to failures and mistakes. Even the very best and wisest will live a life that at some point conflicts with the needs of someone else. So who is wrong and who is right?

To trust some religions is to injure other people. Is it okay to shun certain people because of their sexual orientation or cultural heritage? Is sex before marriage really wrong? Can something that is right for you, be wrong for someone else that you care about? I am so tired from all the accusations and finger pointing over right and wrong. We need to live our lives to the best of our abilities and “right” should be defined as that which does as little harm to others as possible. It is inevitable that at some point we will hurt another person, but to me the more valid argument is if the injury was inflicted purposefully or if the wronged party was just an unfortunate consequence.

I don’t want to judge you and I do not want to be judged. I just want to be able to live my life the way I need to for me and hopefully in a way that has limited collateral damage. What is right for you, may not be right for me. Please try to remember that I am human and I will make mistakes, but just like you I am doing my best to muddle through without causing you too much pain or destroying myself along the way. It is not easy, and I will make mistakes, but just as I cannot always be right, I cannot live my life for you and by your code. I can only be me and that’s going to have to be enough.