Saturday, March 13, 2010

Day 285: In the Thick of It

Let’s talk about a hidden secret many of us carry around. We bury it underneath bulky sweaters, winter coats, and multiple layers. We revel in the security of the winter wardrobe so that no one will discover that the monkey on our back is the spare tire growing around our mid-sections. Yes, I’m talking about winter weight gain! You might be svelte in July, but come January lots of us are carrying around a few more pounds than we’d like. Why does this happen? More to the point, why, when we know it’s a danger, does it still happen every year?

It’s true that the fall and winter holidays come packed with calories. Starting with Halloween we have candy and heavier foods, then Thanksgiving and the December holidays pack on the fatty foods and excess. We get less exercise outdoors because the weather is cooler and daylight hours are shorter and we’re busier with shopping and family get-togethers. It seems that during the winter there is never enough time to exercise as much and everything you put in your mouth is warm, creamy and decadent.

These all seem like good arguments on the surface, but if you think about it, they don’t hold that much water. Spring and Summer have their share of holiday excess. Easter starts us off with a sugar fest similar to Halloween, but add in eggs, ham, turkey, casseroles, and whatever else people eat to celebrate Easter dinner. We have several long weekends that practically scream cookouts, weekends away and excess. Fourth of July is a big holiday food fest and most of those cookouts aren’t veggie burgers and fresh salad. We also drink more high calorie beer and spirits and even the ordinary weekends are good excuses to get together with friends and eat more.

I don’t think we can really blame the weather or social calendar for why we tend to beef up a bit in the colder months. My hypothesis, is that we’re just lazy. In the warmer months we wear less clothes not just around our partners, but around friends and complete strangers alike. Now I can’t speak for anyone else, but I don’t want my tummy flopping around for everyone to see. In the winter, the only people scoping my fat, is the one person who has already seen me at my worst so there’s really nothing to lose.

I think we just want to take a break and indulge in foods without worrying that every bite is going to be visible in the weekend bikini. All the pressure to look good and stay in shape when people can see us keeps us stressed and motivated. Come winter, it’s like we can finally exhale and sometimes we take it a bit too far. I admit I do this with other things, but even so I try to be aware of being lazy to an excess. Since it’s winter and the husband doesn’t see me during the week, I don’t shave my legs everyday, but that kind of thinking could be dangerous. Remember, he was gone for an entire year, too much laziness could have created a forest of problems. So, I think it’s okay to relax and be a little lazy, we all need our moments of indulgence, just don’t get carried away. Because just as not shaving for a couple of days can turn into a weed wacker situation if I’m not careful, those five extra pounds could equal an extra 50 and diabetes later on.

Day 284: Maybe I'm an Optimist After All

Why is it that trying to do something positive for yourself is often a more difficult path? I know all the old axioms: nothing ventured, nothing gained; no pain, no gain; etc. I’m not afraid of hard work, but it can be frustrating. How many times have you decided to make a positive change in your life only to feel like you’re running uphill, in an ice storm, in glass slippers? You get the picture; good things while promising a desired end game aren’t always all that great in the process. I am facing this on three fronts simultaneously and while determined, I’m also getting increasingly discouraged.

I am studying for the GRE that I am taking in three weeks. I am trying to get back into a healthy work out routine. Lastly, I recently switched to a vegan diet and cut out sugar and caffeine. My brain and body are rebelling. I study every day to the point that at night when I sleep I dream about GRE vocabulary words. Working out after a few weeks off is causing headaches and back issues and the new diet is wreaking havoc on the digestive system. The extra special bonus, is that the healthy food I’m eating costs so much money that I’ll have to forego grad school and gym time so I can get two jobs to pay for it.

Sometimes life feels like a never-ending battle and that is bad when you’re just muddling through, but when you’re really making an effort it downright sucks. It is cheaper to eat an unhealthy diet. My body, unaccustomed to so many whole grains and vegetables is freaking out, but I’m sure I could eat a steak and mashed potatoes with no ill effects. I’m doing everything I can to make my body and mind stronger and both are giving me headaches . . . it just never ends. I’m not a naturally positive person, so it’s hard for me to see the glass as half full when what I really want to do is throw the glass across the room. The one silver lining I’ve found is that regardless of how inconvenient, painful, time-consuming and expensive it is, I still really want to make a change.

I want to get a high score on the GRE and go to grad school. I want to get in shape again and feel physically strong. I want to continue my new eating habits and stay vegan. Wanting these things is making me continue to work for them even when it’s really hard. This is sort of a new thing for me. I like to do things I’m good at generally, not bang my head against a wall attempting what might feel like the impossible. Oddly enough, what’s happening is that my resoluteness to make these changes in my life is fueling my ability to tolerate the bad and keep hoping for better. That’s a good feeling, to be hopeful. It doesn’t take away the financial and physical pain I’m in at this moment, but it is nice to hope that maybe tomorrow will be the day it all starts to come together. A day at a time and a little hope are going to see me through to my goals, I can just feel it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 283: Change is Good, I'm Living Proof

I’m ready to move. By “move” I mean it in pretty much every sense of the word. I want to move geographically, I want to move on professionally, I want to move on emotionally, I just want change. I’ve never much been one of those people who like to settle down. I enjoy new places, new people, new opportunities . . . you name it, I appreciate the change. I used to think this was due to some sort of unhappiness, but now that I’m working through a lot of my emotional baggage, I really see it in a different light. What’s so wrong with liking change?

As a society, we value stability. Stable relationships, careers that last 40 years, the family home, and any other long-term arrangement; as Americans, tradition rules. So what happens when you’re not a traditional person? I never wanted to stay in one place, I don’t want kids, the idea of a picket fence makes me nauseous. I like unpredictability. I have cats for that very reason. Dog people and cat people are a good analogy for the traditional vs. the nontraditional. Dog people are homesteaders. They like big houses and yards and the predictability of a dog. You know what you’re going to get; you know the dog will be happy to see you when you come home; and you know Fido is always going to come when you call him. Cats aren’t like that. You never know what they are going to do or if they’ll be happy to see you or annoyed that you are taking up space in their house. I love that.

I find that I get antsy for change. I want to repaint, redecorate and revamp my space and my life. It’s not that I’m unhappy, in fact, it’s just the opposite. I’m happy for the most part and liking myself, I just want to like myself and be happy somewhere new. I used to feel guilty about this urge to run. My itchy feet never wanted to stay put for long, so I hitched my wagon to an Army guy which gives me a built-in excuse for moving a lot. That doesn’t explain my need to change other parts of my life though, does it? Jeff is my one stable thing and that’s all I really need. I like new career challenges and always got bored after two years if there wasn’t growth. Even as a child I got bored easily and if not challenged I’d get into trouble.

As an adult, the type of trouble I get into is different. I run my mouth a lot, which causes the most problems, but I’m trying to strike a balance. I think happy, healthy adults do not need to look like our parents generation. What’s wrong with movement and change? The one thing I’ve always been more afraid than anything else in life, is being ordinary. I do not want an ordinary life or normal relationships. I like extremes, they suit me. I don’t just want to move, I want to move every two years. I don’t just want close friends, I want friends who will fight for me. I want the house to be green one month and grey the next. Change can be good and healthy. I’m not going to try to fit inside some mold society claims is necessary to demonstrate that we are well-adjusted people. Besides, who the fuck wants to be well adjusted when you can be happy instead?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Day 282: Are We Eating Our Way to Emotional Imbalance?

If you don’t think what we eat affects how we feel emotionally, not just physically, then you’ve clearly never tried to give up sugar or caffeine. It has been a mere two days without any kind of refined sugar and this includes that “organic evaporated cane juice” that they try to sell you as healthy. I am cutting out my beloved Cherry Zero and any other source of caffeine as well. It’s only been two days and while the long-term benefits promise weight loss, less bloat, no headaches and eternal rainbows, the withdrawal process is making me want to be violent. Seriously, I am grumpy and annoyed and jonesing for dark chocolate to the point that I will sell the husband into the sex trade if I have to. When I have moments of clarity, like now, it makes me realize that if I am having such strong emotional withdrawal symptoms, then the chemical reaction of ingesting this stuff must be really nasty.

Maybe this moody, pessimistic woman I know myself to be is actually full of sunshine and unicorn magic, but I’ve been so clogged up with junk that my moods were chemically altered? What the hell are we putting into our bodies and who might we be if we didn’t? I’m not completely ready to live on nuts and berries, but if an sugar detox can make me happier and my stomach flatter I’m in! The big problem is that sugar is in EVERYTHING!!! Bread, soy or almond milk, peanut butter, twig-like cereal, pretty much anything that comes from a store and is not located in the produce section is going to have some form of refined sugar in it. Eating healthy is hard work and it’s pricey.

I’m willing to do the work. I can read labels, make special trips to the health food store, and even cook. The money thing, however, is rough. Good food costs major bucks. We need to be more aware as a society of what we are putting into our mouths. You think you’re buying something healthy, without realizing that it’s loaded with chemicals or sugar. Healthy, organic options will often use evaporated can sugar and it sounds healthy and unrefined, but it’s not. Raisin bran, which is high in fiber and protein, is also loaded with sugar. There is no reason to coat the raisins in sugar. They are already naturally sweet! Until we start demanding good food, we’re going to get cheap food and make no mistake, chemicals are way cheaper than whole foods. Even so, I find that I can no longer afford the lasting effects all this cheap food is causing.

Day 281: Facebook Friends Are Like Kevin Bacon, the Connections are Endless

Facebook is a bit like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. You have your core friends, your KB’s, and then the rippling out of friends that are contacts made from the core group. We can only theorize where this great social media experiment is going to end up. Remember Friendster? My Space? Either do I. At some point it is likely that FB will go the way of its predecessors and when it does, what happens to all those “friendships”? For that matter, do we even want to keep all of them? What, for instance, happens when you stop being friends with Kevin himself? Can you still keep the other degrees?

Since joining the great Facebook experiment I have reconnected with many old friends or acquaintances. I don’t particularly like them all, I don’t even remember them all, but I’m trying to keep from burning bridges and you never know when a contact will prove fruitful. This is what I tell myself when I peruse my almost 200 “friends.” Then there is the part of me that wants to cut about a third of them loose. We aren’t actually friends, we don’t live near one another, we never talk on FB, and we could not be more different. All those ripples in the Kevin Bacon pond are rippling out toward what?

My friend list also includes recently made contacts via personal friends. I generally like these contacts and will surf those ripples to see where they take me. It has created friendships and work relationships that I find valuable. Then again, it has created some awkwardness. When a friend and I parted ways I was left with a number of friends made solely via our friendship. What is the protocol? Do you keep those friends, try to develop your own relationship or cut them loose because it’s awkward?

I think I’m mostly just taking the wait and see approach. The people that are so different from me that they are offended probably do not enjoy seeing what I have to say. Aside from a couple of people I actively sought to unfriend, I mostly just assume that my natural tendency to piss off and offend people will finally cause the less connected ripples/degrees to unfriend me first. I’m passive aggressive.

I have no resolution on this topic, hell, I barely have a point. All I know is all this obsessive sharing with near strangers is going to continue to evolve and I’m starting to fear it. About once a week I get a friend request from someone I don’t even know, but at this point I figure, what the hell and accept them anyway. Maybe one of them will be an editor and want to publish some of my stuff. Who knows, it’s a big world and even if I’m no longer friends with Kevin, I can still try to make the most of the friendships I’ve gained along the way.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 280: Let Him Keep His Drink and You Get to Keep Your Self-respect

A group of hot, too-young girls get invited into the VIP room of a club to hang with some bigshot celebs or athletes. They enjoy the free food, drink, and swank accommodations of the VIP section. They laugh, joke and flirt all night with these men, who an hour before they’d never met and who they very well know do not want to be their new best friends. I’m not saying when things shake out and there is an accusation that a girl was sexually assaulted that she deserved it, but I will argue that nothing comes for free and she knew this when she went into the VIP room with strangers.

I’m not going to argue a legal position here, because we all know I’d lose and honestly I would never make this claim legally. No woman, regardless of behavior, dress, or promises made, deserves to be assaulted. Women do not ask to be raped or groped simply because they wear a revealing top or short skirt. So before I continue with my point I want to make that perfectly clear.

That said, we all know the rules of social interaction. These are not toddlers making their way in the bar scene for the first time. A man does not buy you a drink simply because his wallet is too heavy from all the money. This doesn’t mean you owe him anything, but you know when you accept that drink and refuse to even make polite conversation and pretend to for a minimum of three minutes that you’re being a bitch and taking advantage. Are men stupid for buying drinks to get attention or supplying food, drink and other random party favors in the VIP digs just to get girls to be nice to them, of course! Neither of these scenarios, however, are the point.

My issue with these situations, is that the girls are fully willing to take whatever they think they can get out of man and they’ll sell their integrity to do it, but when the bill finally comes they don’t want to pay up. That is manipulation straight up. You want to keep out of these difficult situations? Then don’t pretend that you had no idea the guy wanted something more than simply the pleasure of paying for your shit. Men want Geishas. When you go into the VIP room you are expected to perform as a Geisha. You flirt, entertain, and generally make the guy feel important and attractive. That is your job, his is to pay you for your time with drinks, food, etc. The catch here, is that unlike Geishas who have a strictly defined set of rules on interactions, we don’t. So if you’re flirting to get those drinks there is a good chance he’ll expect more.

Here’s an easy fix: Don’t expect others to pay your way! Nothing in life is free and eventually the tab will come. Tossing your hair and giggling does not erase the fact that you are trying to manipulate a man because you know he’s looking for a hot girl to entertain him. This isn’t the champagne room, there are no bouncers to make sure his hands stay on the chair, once you agree to the exchange of goods for entertainment you’re kind of on the hook. Stop trading your smile for drinks you should pay for yourself and don’t go into the VIP room just because it’s cool. Those men are still people and dehumanizing them to get what you want just makes you a crappy human. Pay your own way. You’ll be a little poorer and you won’t the star treatment, but you will get to keep your self-respect.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Day 279: I Think I'm Falling in Love

I am falling in love. Completely, head over heels, heart beating faster love and it is with the least likely person, my husband. After six years together, the nervous butterflies should be gone and replaced with pet peeves and farts in your sleep, but instead I’m getting a second chance at falling. I think somewhere along the way I forgot just how powerful the joy of new love can be and I am so lucky to have not only the comfort and security of a committed relationship, but the giddy, unpredictability of the honeymoon phase.

The concept of a soul mate is not one I believe in. Having fallen in love many times, I simply accept that who I was at those points in my life were different than now, but no less valid. Now, however, is where I’ve found the most generous, honest, and understanding man I have ever known. He is the exact right person for me at the exact right time of my life. This man has given me more than I ever gave myself and certainly more than I could ever give him if I had three lifetimes of trying. I am not always the kindest woman and I’m sure that I will hurt him again and again as we bumbling humans tend to do, but I hope I will also be able to love him as fiercely as I feel, for he is truly the light of my life and the center that both grounds and uplifts me.

Thank you my love, for seeing who I am even when I don’t show it, for your unflagging sense of humor even when the timing seems wrong, and for never giving up on loving me. You make my world a better one and as long as I have you, there will never truly be another bad day, because each day that you are by my side is the best day of my life. I look forward to falling in love with you over and over again, pet peeves, ugly days, bad breath and drunken rows we don’t remember the next morning included. Never doubt, that you are my greatest strength and I will never stop fighting for team Bramline.

Day 278: The Hurt Locker Just Hurts

Is there not enough drama in war? Tonight I watched "The Hurt Locker," the Oscar nominated film that plays out more like a documentary, than a Hollywood movie. I completely understand why the director, Katherine Bigelow, is nominated for an Oscar for direction. Every scene of the film is infused with an almost palpable tension. You sit on the edge of your seat, convinced some disaster is about to occur and in that respect Bigelow did an amazing job. The problem with it, in my opinion, is that rather than rely on the actual dramatic situations and complex relationships in war, they completely made up aspects that would almost certainly never happen.

Implausible stories of lone sergeants hijacking vehicles, going on missions of vengeance, drinking hard liquor, starting their own fight clubs and apparently never answering to a commanding officer. Do soldiers ever smuggle beer or liquor over there? Sure, it happens, but it is the exception, not the norm and certainly not multiple giant bottles that they leave lying about in their rooms. The three main characters never had back-up and seemingly never looked to a CO for an order – they decided everything themselves, because of course, the Army is so lax on structure and chain of command. It was more than a little far-fetched and I found it hard to watch without constant criticism.

Being married to a career Army officer with three tours of duty under his belt does give me an insider’s perspective. We watched it together and the look of disbelief alternating with frustration and something close to scorn told me much of what I wanted to know. It felt a lot like the time I watched the firefighting movie “Backdraft” with my Pops. I have a unique perspective on this movie and those like it, but because this one is presented with so little of the usual Hollywood hoopla and more grit it comes across like it must be closer to fact than fiction.

In the end, it is a movie and I’m trying to keep that in mind, but it is a movie about the inner workings of a world most people will never get to see or experience first hand. Unless you have the insider perspective from a family member or friend, like I do, you look to movies like this to give you that insight. It is in this way that “The Hurt Locker” does the most damage. It paints a picture of the war and the people fighting it that is untrue in major ways and tells you that soldiers have time off, ability to drink, and an autonomy that simply is not there. War is hell and there is genuine drama in that without having to inject it via a “lone ranger” type badass, who oh by the way is a Sergeant not a commanding officer with the freedom to do as he pleases. I think the real “hurt” is what this movie did to the impression of war that the average filmgoer will take away.