Day 201: It Might Snow, Let the Southern Panic Begin!

I am frustrated about the weather. Being a Yankee, snow and ice is par for the course so it does not faze me when we get an inch or two here in easily panicked North Carolina. I discovered the apparent terror of snow last year shortly after I moved here, but it was a fairly mild winter so there were not a lot of opportunities to laugh and point. This year, however, has gotten off to a quick start. Today was the first day of the alleged snow storm season. I phrase it like this because there is an apparent trend in town that calls for snow, people panic and snow does not appear. Today was no different. Schools were let out early, workers were sent home early, grocery stores experienced frenzied shoppers lunging for bread, eggs and milk as if they were prepping for some sort of french toast-off .

It is now one in the morning and the snow never materialized in town and looking at the current weather forecast, it doesn’t look like it’s going to. I understand that if you aren’t used to driving on snowy roads, it might be a bit daunting, but you’re not driving around on glass, those are rubber tires with tread. Ice is always a problem, but a little bit of snow is going to be fine. Schools and workplaces were let out early. For what? So people could hit the grocery then rush home and glue themselves to the TV for every updated weather report? The weather reports, by the way, are frequent. In a 30 minute newscast I counted no less than 13 segments on the weather or references to it. And it was only raining. Yes, the outlying areas got some snow, but give it a rest already. It wasn’t a blizzard and the airport and city area didn’t get a damn thing.

In less than 10 hours I will hopefully be on a plane heading to areas where snow is commonplace at this time of the year. I am not looking forward to the snow, but at least there no one talks about it like it’s the apocalypse. Don’t even get me started on the fog we had earlier in the week. You’d have thought Don DeLilo’s toxic cloud had descended up the Queen City. Oh yeah, that’s what they call Charlotte, I haven’t gotten around to researching why yet, but as soon as the great fog and nonexistent snow panic of 2009 pass, I’m going to jump on that next. I just hope someone saved me some french toast, I’m starving.

Day 200: Don't Look too Closely and You Might Like What You See

Ugh. Should be a milestone day, but I’m not feeling it. Let’s just say that some days are good ones and some days not so much. I am a work in progress and while I do like myself, I recognize that I am prone to screwing things up. No one does self-sabotage better than me, honey. Still, I do try to keep my eye on the big picture, but sometimes the means to the end is not the path others would like me to take. I look at it this way, I am not a person you want to put under a microscope because if you do, you are always going to find something you don’t like. I’m best at a distance or in doses, but I need lots of space and being in my life means that sometimes you are not going to like my choices. Hell, sometimes I don’t like my choices, but I’m doing what I know how to do to get to where I need and want to be. I’m not a big fan of the way a lot of people in my life live either, but sometimes you just have to step back and ignore the bad so you can see the good. What’s that saying, you can’t see the forest for the trees? Well I’m the forest and all the stupid shit I do are the trees, but if you focus on that, you’re going to miss the really good stuff. And trust me, there is plenty of good stuff there. I may not easy to love, but I’m real and I’m working on it.

Day 199: Why Doesn't Our Giving Spirit Live the Rest of the Year?

The spirit of giving. I hear a lot about the spirit of charity and giving, but often find myself wondering what that means. Ask any random person on the street and the typical answer will have something to do with the time of year or holiday season. Starting with Thanksgiving, people adopt a more charitable outlook and the words giving and charity are thrown around with abundance. If it’s actually a “spirit” of giving, why don’t we give more the rest of the year? The holidays are when most people actually have less money and yet that is when giving seems most prevalent. Why don’t we give as actively throughout the year when times are easier? Kids still need toys and families still need food in the Summer months.

The husband and I heard about a charity in dire need and spent the afternoon shopping for toys before delivering them to the outreach center. Just knowing that we were doing an unselfish thing made us feel close to one another and it was a happy afternoon filled with high school like giggling, kissing and hugging. We give to charity throughout the year, both of us believing it to be very important to share what we have with others. Still, writing a check for Doctors Without Borders or Planned Parenthood has never made us almost giddy.

Perhaps the combination of the holidays, travel plans to see family and the annual financial spending frenzy that accompanies the season creates the perfect storm for giving. When you’re hemorrhaging money it’s easy to not feel an extra leak sprung in your already overextended budget. There is also that general happy feeling that often prevails as people take the time to greet one another, holiday music blares from loudspeakers and cheerful decorations peek from windows and storefronts. It just does not feel like the holidays without a little charity. The challenge then, is to be as generous the rest of the year. Why do we only sponsor families at the holidays and then bitch and moan about paying an extra $100 in taxes to support education or healthcare for those that need it? What happens to the giving spirit when we don’t have a holiday to nudge us along?

I want to remember what today felt like and maybe the next time we write a check, we’ll follow it up with a delivery to a shelter anonymous gift to a family in need. I look forward to the days when I have my bake shop. Cookies, brownies and muffins may not be what you need when you can’t pay the bills, but sometimes a basket of baked goods are exactly what your spirit needs. Personally, chocolate has never failed to perk me up. We like to think we give what we can, but if that were true we’d all have a little less and others in need would have a little more. Maybe we need a new holiday in June.

Day 198: Don't Fall for the Tough Girl Act, Sometimes I Just Want to be Friends

It constantly amazes me that we are able to get along as well as we do in society given all of the varied opinions, belief systems and moral outrage. I know we hear more about how we don’t get along and those conflicts are what make headlines, but when you really think about it, we coexist on a mostly peaceful level with friends, neighbors and family members. I do love a healthy debate and admit to being the first to point out injustice and intolerance, as well as cast judgment and generalizations, but now I’m taking on a positive note and looking at the beauty inherent in embracing one another despite our differences. ‘Tis the season, after all.

I think it is a testament to the human spirit and the intensity of our instinctual need to love and to share with our peers that we are able not just to tolerate, but to accept one another despite varying beliefs and ideology. The husband pointed out that my continually putting myself out there on sensitive topics might start doing more harm than good. I have already lost one job because of my blog and future upsets of people’s delicate sensibilities might start affecting our bottom line even more. I am looking to open a bake shop within the next 2 years, what happens to my customer base if prospective customers decide against my delicious treats due to something they read on Facebook or my blog? For that matter, what about if my strong opinions and willingness to publish them affect not just me, but my husband?

At what point is it okay to shut your mouth and even compromise a bit for the good of your bank account? Jeff is a military officer and should he rise to Colonel or higher, opinions of fellow officers sometimes take officer associations into account. I could very well end up being that opinionated loudmouth who negatively affects his promotion. He is too kind to say so of course, but I’m not that naïve about the world or the military leadership, to not see the truth. For now, I am just trying to sort out my place and after a couple of decades of not revealing too much of my true self, I am coming to it late. I always had opinions and a mouth, but I substituted political or sexual discussions for anything that might actually reveal my emotional center. This was my defense mechanism and it meant that no matter how anyone judged me I could rationalize that they were only judging my public face, not my true self.

Since beginning this journey of self back in June, however, I have made a real effort to put not just my opinions, but my heart on the line. It is potentially dangerous and hurtful, but necessary. I understand that as a business owner I will need to reign it in and I am comfortable doing so, but right now I need this for myself. It has really been uplifting to know that friends out there who I am fundamentally different from are still willing to keep a connection. (I’m going to mention a few names now, so if you read this and want me to remove you let me know.) While your extreme conservativism and love of all things Ann Coulter makes me almost physically ill Steve, I love that you continue to indulge in a humorous dialogue with me knowing how opposite we are in political beliefs. Shauna, you read my blog and appear to be a deeply invested family woman and Christian and yet you have never judged me for what I write and even go so far as to say nice things. Colleen, we could not be more different in our approaches to life and yet there is a kinship and emotional sisterhood there that makes me love and respect you and I hope you feel the same way.

All of you who continue to see value in being friends – at least through the safe distance of FB – I appreciate that you are open-minded and have not cut me off yet, despite my own lapses now and again when it comes to accepting differences. It is something I continue to struggle with and I hope that you will hang with me while I continue on my journey trying to become a better and more tolerant person. I’m not as obnoxious as I sometimes come off and while I may not take it well right off the bat, you are always welcome to tell me what you think and sometimes even that I need to shut up. Ultimately, we are all souls of the universe and underneath it all I just want to be liked and a chance to be your friend.

Day 197: Sometimes Words Can be too Comforting

For anyone that knows me, this revelation will not come as a surprise, but I like to stir things up. It’s not that I court controversy necessarily, I just really appreciate good discussion. After all these years you’d think I would be accustomed to run-ins with people who are, well let’s just say less appreciative of my fondness for debate. Sadly, I still find myself a little hurt when the name calling starts and I realize the “argumentative,” “contrarian” and “rebellious” person everyone is calling out, is me. I’m not getting into my love of discourse and controversy again, I think I’ve written about that in the past, what I’m more interested in now, is why we are all so threatened by differing opinions and cling to the comfort of like-mindedness.

It is no surprise that people want to feel a part of something bigger than themselves. None of us want to be alone in the world and it is always difficult to be that lone voice rallying against the majority. Even so, why are we almost fearful to strike out and speak the unpopular thought? Liberals cling to reassurances that their calls for change are just, and conservatives hang on Coulter’s every word, even when that word doesn’t make sense. Christians never let anyone forget for a second that they are, in fact Christian, and the religious directive of bearing witness means that they don’t just talk about their beliefs, they want to recruit you into the fold.

We take such comfort in being a part of a group that I think sometimes our individual voices get shut out. I will still embrace you if your message is different, just as I will still let you talk if your message is the same. The important thing to remember is that it is only through sharing our opinions that we are able to establish meaningful discussions. A debate need not be contentious, it just needs free expression of thoughts without judgment or anger.

Unfortunately, the topics that are the most interesting to discuss are the ones that have the greatest chance of pissing people off. Religion, abortion, politics, legalizing marijuana, obesity, immigration, war, monogamy . . . these topics are ripe for the kind of varied and opinionated conversations that make a debate fun. They are also exactly the topics that get people the most angry. If you don’t want to talk about it just move on, but don’t take it out on me because you don’t like my opinion and refuse to entertain healthy debates. A little less comfort in most of our lives would not actually hurt, maybe we’d all get up off our butts and try a little harder to make the world a better place if our lives weren’t so cushy and reassuring. Keep surrounding yourself only with people who think just like you and yes, you may feel happy and secure, but you will also be missing out on part of life’s greatness – the differences!

Day 196: A Happy Marriage Means You Don't Always Have to be Happy

For six months I wrote this blog and worried publicly about marriage, sex, miscommunication, compromise, love, loneliness, companionship, children and just about any other aspect of commitment one can imagine. I have put things out there that I know made not only the husband uncomfortable, but friends and strangers as well. While it has not always been the most productive or kind blog, and I have lost a few friends as an indirect result, what I have gained is far more valuable. I gained back a sense of self that I lost somewhere along the journey of my life and have now not only found it, but made friends with it.

My reality will always be different than yours, because it is mine. Still, through the comments and emails received by those of you that have read it, I know that I have made an impact or at least prompted thought and that is all any of us can really ask. The very fact that anyone at all wants to read my blog is still staggering to me and if you spend even a minute reflecting on something I wrote then I have achieved more than I set out to do. My goal was always just to find my place again and to reorganize my priorities. Much of that took the form of relationship issues with my husband, a fact that was not always welcomed by him.

So here I am six months later and a few weeks into the husband’s return from Iraq and you know what? I think I am healthy and possibly even happy. Very few couples have the opportunity to spend every day together 24/7 due to careers, families and other obligations. I am a person who needs time to myself and after a year of living alone I worried almost obsessively about our reunion. Of course I was happy at the thought of being together once again, but it was a rocky year and we had some issues to work out which I chose to do in a public format – again, not the husband’s preference. So now that the newness has worn off and we’ve had our time to kiss and be sappy, I have discovered one very important thing: I can be happy, but a part of me will always choose not to be.

This is not as bleak as it sounds. What I mean is that while I am completely in love and happy with my husband, I see total happiness as a trap. We lose ourselves in happiness sometimes just as much as we can lose ourselves in misery. It is important to keep in mind that the world still needs a lot of work and I do not want to live with blinders on my eyes. There is no partner in the world that could make me happier than Jeff, but that’s not the point. I will not let myself experience complete happiness for the sole reason that I do want to see the harsh realities and be able to feel the heart-wrenching tragedy that exists all over the world. So yes, I have found myself and happiness, but I still feel the pain and see the misfortune of those around me. Luckily, I found a person that loves me enough to not expect me to be happy all the time.

Day 195: Stripped Down: My Thoughts on the Pole

So I'm at a strip club on a Saturday night with my husband. Not really sure what else there is to say about that. I actually like strip clubs, it is a safe environment when you are a woman. No one is looking at me, and if someone is, most likely it is a woman. So there is a bit of a safety net in that. The husband is entertained, I can relax with a drink and there is a show. What could be better?

Strip clubs are weird things. On one hand, as a woman I do not want to subjugate a fellow sister, but at the same time I am paying for it, so you better fucking work. I want dancing, not that super slow-mo gyration and I always appreciate the girls that can do inverted splits on a pole. It is a free economy and no one is forcing anyone to strip, so should you choose it, then I am going to expect to get my money’s worth. For the record, I am also not opposed to prostitution and think it should be legal. I am a woman and let's be honest, to a certain extent we have all prostituted ourselves in one way or another. This may sound harsh, but even in a marriage you do things for your partner, be it laundry, work, travel, etc., but there is a trade off and a compromise that goes into any successful relationship. You may not call it the same thing, but at heart that’s what it is and every time you fake an orgasm or trade household chores to keep the peace, you are prostituting yourself. Men do it too, though more so in office environments, but in some way we are all whores.

The problem is the way we define whore or prostitute and the judgment we bring to it. It is only a bad thing because we have deemed it as such. We are bartering goods and services, regardless if it is housekeeping, advertising, legal advice, or a blow job. You are paying another person for a service and the only thing that makes one better than the other is our narrow-minded judgment. You don’t have to like it, but why is stripping any less of an honest day’s wage than cleaning teeth?

Right now, I am in the club watching my husband get a lap dance from Kim, the super soft, lovely Vietnamese stripper. She is nice and has been hanging out at our table during the slower periods just to talk. On one hand, it ruins the fantasy, on the other, it totally makes me love my husband more to hear him ask why she got into stripping and about her own blog while she’s sitting on his lap. It kind of makes me wonder who is really being persecuted here. Kim, who is taking off her clothes for money or my husband who feels sorry for her and keeps letting her do “one more” despite not being attracted to her. I’ve sat on a few laps of guys I wasn’t all that fond of and I didn’t get anything out of it but low self-esteem, so as far as I’m concerned, Kim’s way ahead of the game.