I am feeling cynical. Well, cynical, hopeful, melancholy, apathetic, humorous, and a little fat. It’s one of those weird nights when I somehow feel everything emotion I possess simultaneously. Feeling fat isn’t so much an emotion, but after what I ate today, it’s still valid. I think I’m just a little . . . actually, I’ve got the ennui. It’s been a while since I’ve had the ennui, I guess I didn’t recognize it. I think I’m just really, oppressively bored.
It makes sense, I haven’t worked in ages, I miss my husband who is due back in two months, I’m not finding any viable hobbies that seem to stick, I don’t have a ton of friends I spend time with – well, not many that I actually find interesting (but don’t tell them I said so). I’m starting to wonder what it was I did the previous nine months to keep myself busy. What do you do, when everything you’ve been doing no longer holds your attention? Should I completely change or is there a way to adapt? I’m not even sure I know how to adapt or change. I feel like I’ve been going through such a metamorphosis as it is, what else is there?
Honestly, I think I’m just really over this whole husband in Iraq, unemployed and spending money, cocktails in the middle of the week, unlimited TV and movies thing I’ve got going on. I don’t even want to go out anymore. Bars have no appeal, even though I always manage to have a good time when I do go out, I just don’t feel like putting forth the effort to actually go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly wandering around the house with dirty hair in a scraggly bathrobe – well, not every day. I think I was depressed early on, but that’s not it now. Nope, now I’m just freaking bored.
Remember when you were a kid and your friends were all busy and you would mope around the house saying “Mom! I’m bored” until your Mom would get irritated and yell at you to find something to do? That’s how I feel. I even cleaned the other day, which is so not like me. So I ask you, as an adult, what do you do when you’re bored? We just don’t get the opportunity to be bored very often as adults. Everyone is busy with work, family, housework, fitness, social obligations, etc. We don’t have time to be bored and we rarely even realize it.
My Mom used to say that too. I’d say I was bored and she’d say she wished she had time to be bored. Funny, huh? So now I have nothing but time and no more idea how to handle boredom than I did as a kid. I guess we never do learn some things. I sure hope it passes fast. I’m bored with the ennui.
I was so bored this summer, I thought I was going to die from it. Bored, lonely, depressed, and spending 2 hours/day on the treadmill just to try to stop the avalanche of weight gain that comes with drinking too much and doing too little.
ReplyDeleteNow, after six months in a new town, I'm back. The kids are in school, I've got myself a job back at a gym where I can stay fit and actually talk to other people in person (as opposed to my favorite medium, FB). I volunteer at my kids shitty little private school (I'm not over the Obama speech 'avoidance' and I don't think I ever will be). So one day a week, I get to be Mrs. Towner, blow my whislte and practice good classroom managment...which is the downside to being in the building and getting to know the teachers and my children's friends. I will say, upfront as a promise to you and me, I will NOT be putting a bandAid over my tatoo. If you don't like my personal statement, then fire my volunteering ass.
On top of all this, August 26th was my start date for my novel. And while I have actually been putting time in and enjoying it, I'll never get it done if life continues to intervene. My career as a mother is pointedly interfering with my career as a writer.
Here's the thing. No matter what I'm doing with my time, the fact that I have obligated myself to a variety of duties, I am happier. Taking time away from the hustle and bustle was something I needed to do over the last six months. Learning how to be quiet, bored and content in both has been a journey I needed to take. But now I need a vacation from my vacation. I need to know that if I have a schedule that I am required to keep and perform on all cylinders or else produce a doctor's note for swine flu. And you know what? Drinking wine on Thursday night after three jam-packed days where I'm too busy and then tired to remember my daily desire for alcohol. Did you know you can actually forget to drink??? Waking up without a little hangover is startling and exhilarating.
So however long this self-imposed exile lasts for you, it's good that you are experiencing it to it's fullest. But life will come a knockin' again, and when it does, you'll be ready.