I found myself in the unlikely position of giving advice to a friend about being less confrontational. I know. Me, telling someone to chill out and not to always be looking for a fight. Go figure. I think I gave some pretty sound advice too, which is the ironic thing considering that I love confrontational situations and would never shy away from them. It made me start thinking about all the advice we give to friends and loved ones and if we ever have the slightest clue what we’re talking about.
It happens countless times throughout each of our lives. Someone will come to us with a problem or concern and we will find ourselves in a situation that requires careful and considered responses. This does not always mean we should give advice, in fact, more often than not I think it’s best to only offer advice when solicited (thought it’s never stopped me) and try to simply listen and be supportive the other times. Still, it’s going to happen and what you say to your friend in their time of need could have lasting implications.
What if you say something that your friend takes to heart and it blows up in his or her face? Is that now your fault because it was your advice? On some levels maybe it’s best to stay uninvolved and try to remain a neutral party available for a needed shoulder only and not advice, but that is often easier said than done. So if you find yourself in a position in which advice is a must, the next logical question is how acceptable is the “do as I say, not as I do” platform?
I think I am a good advice giver. I listen, I consider, I empathize and then I draft an objective feeling plan of action. I say “objective feeling” because although I am trying to see the issue from all possible sides, reality is I want to side with my friend and tell her yes, it’s totally fine to insist your sister-in-law stop breastfeeding her eight-year-old at the dinner table. No advice is ever going to be perfect and it will always be colored with our own bias attached to a certain degree. So when I tell my friend to stop looking for a fight and to try to keep a sense of humor about things it is because it’s what I think SHE should do for her, for me I always just ask people what the hell their issue is and offer to have it out right now. A good debate gets my creative juices flowing and I like the adrenaline of a mental sparring, then again, I’ve made grown people cry before so my perspective might be a little off.
I have had the best week, and felt so close to everyone involved in my 'little' world. Your advice completely caught me off gaurd, as it never occurred to me that 'our issue' was all mine as I was the one carrying it around and using it a barometer in all situations. I have said more than once to more than one person, "What you do will be perfect and appreciated, please don't worry that you 'can't get it right'. And now I mean that. I'm not looking for hidden meanings in comments, hidden judgement in facial flashes, or subterfuge as hidden beef in my oatmeal. Everyone (mom, dad, sis, friends, etc.) has been so gracious and accomodating...BECAUSE they are. I have been given so many gifts this week, and I've said 'thank you' to all of them.
ReplyDeleteOur coversation was not only what I needed for the day,it was the final piece that I needed to hear that has aleady set my life on a different course. (Too bad you don't believe in divine intervention, I asked, and I did receive!) I told you about my fish analogy. Saying no to resistance and floating with the current can be done even as a home-schooling vegan (AGHAAHGHAGHAGHAHGAGHG...those are scary words!) But I've got a new raft, cool shades and a new bikini for the float trip, and I'm estatic to live my life in joy. accepting the gifts of each day, rather that fighting all those that oppose every where I turn.
You're thoughful respsonse was very healing for me. You are wiser than you know.
See you soon!