We all make hard choices in life, though the difference is what qualifies as a difficult choice for each of us. For some of us it’s about career, school, geographical location, kids, or mortgage. For me, it’s a mixture of many of these things and unfortunately the decisions are never quite permanent, the questions keep getting asked again and again. I love living an unpredictable life and I’ve always been okay with continuing a few close relationships, but only maintaining superficial ones with friends and family back home. That was a sacrifice I was willing to make to enjoy the freedoms of not having a normal 9-5, kids, and the traditional picket fence. These days, however, I’m questioning every thing and wondering about those things I’m missing out on, including family bonds.
We move a lot because of the husband’s job, but we do have some choice in it, so it becomes a question of where do we want to go vs. what place is best for your career. My own career is on hold until I figure out what I want to do that will allow me flexibility. We have decided not to pursue having children, but I still keep the thought of adoption alive in the recesses of my mind for later. I need and want to go back to school, but the two things I love: writing and baking aren’t exactly money makers so I need to figure out what to study and how to make a career out of it that won’t make me want to throw myself from an office window (and by the way, that career is not Higher Ed publishing). Yes, I have a lot of major decisions in my life constantly rotating through and no clear answers, but the one thing I never counted on doubting was the decision to move away from my home state and never to look back . . . until now.
I am beginning to miss the comforts of family or the joy of being able to host a holiday celebration. Just the idea of luring my brother out of his man-cave to have at my place (something that has never happened in the almost 20 years I’ve lived on my own) is enough to make me consider moving back to the hometown. It’s lovely to visit with family and old friends at the holidays or the rare visit back mid-year, but you never really get to simply enjoy them for a cookout or glass of wine just because. I have so many wonderful cousins back home, including a couple recently moved back that I would love to spend time with, but it is simply not possible. So family becomes the hard choice and the sacrifice.
I know that I will never actually move back, that those friends and family members I would like to be closer to or have over for dinner will remain special occasion buddies, but it’s still there. I try to live a life without regrets and so far I’m holding fast to that if only by virtue of denial, but I can’t help but wonder if one day I will look back and regret. What would it have been like to see Jenni or Kris transition from twenty-somethings to wives and mothers? How happy are my cousins really and could they be the non-judgmental confidents I’ve been looking for? I realize that the life I have is special and I look forward to the next move and the challenges that await, but I think I’ll always be looking back just a little and wondering what if?
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