There was a local news story tonight about a 16-year-old girl who began an internet relationship with an almost 40-year-old man. Their relationship escalated to a point that the man came to her home, cut off her ankle monitoring device and then took her back to his home (I’m sorry, but I have to mention that it is a trailer) where they had sex and then. The man then refused to let her leave for a week until she finally was able to sneak a text message to her Aunt who called the police. The moral to this story, according to the news anchor was that parents need to more closely monitor their children’s internet communications. While I believe that it is very important for parents to limit and monitor I also call bullshit on this particular stories and others like it.
We all know that teenagers do not make smart decisions. We know this because we were all once teens and we were stupid, stupid, stupid. Teenagers should not have access to adult influences like pornography, chat rooms, Nip/Tuck, violent video games and movies and on and on. Unfortunately, we live in the real world and kids have access to whatever the hell they want and parents are left scrambling to stay one step ahead of them. It sounds hopeless, but the solution is to raise better quality people and the trick to doing that is to wait to be parents until we are actually financially and emotionally prepared. Parenting takes time, more than I’m willing to devote, clearly.
This story bugs me because it’s not just an example of a good kid who got a little carried away online and got involved in something she wasn’t ready for and didn’t quite know how to extricate herself from. There are lots of those kids out there too, I’m sure, but this girl took it too far, and let us not forget the very important clue to her possibly negligent parentage, she had a police ordered ankle monitor! She’s 16! I’m not blaming all parents for all bad things kids do, but I’m almost doing that. If we paid more attention to the children we have, by doing things like, making family meals a priority, talking about school, monitoring homework, making time to just play with them, maybe we would not have a generation of kids so lonely for one-on-one human contact that they go online to find it with some greasy, pedophile in a beer stained t-shirt.
Clearly this kid fell through the cracks at home. At sixteen years old she is already in trouble with the law. She not only made contact with a man more than twice her age, she let him come to her home, left with him and had sex at his home. This girl is a mess and it’s not because she had unmonitored access to the internet, she was lost long before this. No this one is on her parents, her teachers, her counselors, anyone who had contact with her and failed to MAKE MEANINGFUL CONTACT WITH HER. We blame the internet the way we used to blame rock music or video games. Kids do stupid and bad things because they feel alone and more than anything they want to be part of something. The Trenchcoat Mafia Columbine killers did not grow up to be murderers, they were normal kids who someone lost along the way and they were left to try to find themselves and unfortunately when kids are left to their own devices they very often make the wrong and dangerous choices.
Let’s stop blaming the access to the internet and put the blame where it truly belongs on the fact that too many kids do not have access to their parents. I’m making the decision not to have children because although a part of me wants them and I believe I’d be a great Mom, I also know that I don’t want to give up my time for someone else. I get to be selfish with my time because I am an adult without dependents relying on me. When you become a parent, you don’t get to be selfish anymore. Once you give your kids time, love and respect and you know they feel that, then you can begin to be a little selfish because you’ve done your job and those kids know they are a priority. When your child logs on to the internet for more than to exercise innocent curiosity (about sex, relationships, etc.) it’s a good bet you fucked up. Turn off your job, turn off your TV, turn off your social life, and turn off your kid’s computer until you have tuned back in to their lives.
Yep, yep and yep! Then THEY grow up and have kids!! I do have to say that I think you would be a great mom. It is hard work but very rewarding. It is truly a balancing act though- I will say! There isn't enough to be said about sitting and having dinner as a family. That is when we find out a lot about what is going on in their lives. Maybe there should be a class at school called "quality time with your family"- they also need a class called :how to balance your checkbook- and no- being in the negative is not good"
ReplyDeleteSeems like we are the society of blamers. There is always something other than US that is the problem. If we could all just figure out that we all need to do our part and stop the blame game I think we would be better off.
Totally agree. Yeah, I did some stupid things (more when I was in college than at home as a teenager because my parents were just *that* good) but the fact that I didn't do a WHOLE lot more is all about the fact that my parents were involved, whether I wanted them to be or not.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in graduate school, I worked part-time in one of the worst neighborhoods in New York state (outside of those in NYC). What these kids are exposed to, what they know at a terribly young age, and the lack of parenting is sad. However, if you are never provided a good example or your time with a good example is limited, you repeat what you know (and observe). Trying to change patterns of behavior that are ingrained in your family and your neighborhood is like trying to make a sharp turn with the Titanic.
What it takes is education and modeling. Mentoring. Gaining the knowledge that your life doesn't have to take the same path of everyone else around you and that you can make your opportunities if you only know what they can be AND that they are attainable.
Case in point: I mentored a little girl who was the daughter of a prostitute/crackhead. She lived with grandma. For the brief time that mom was out of jail, she took this little girl and her little brother out prostituting with her. Someone from our community center saw them on a street corner (mom dressed in a t-shirt and NOTHING ELSE) and called the cops. Kids go back to grandma. That is one person getting involved and saving them right there.
Then I took them on and they spent the night at my apartment every Sunday and Monday morning I took them to school and always asked the teachers how they were doing. That helped.
But what helped the most was showing them that they could have a safe, clean home. I wasn't rich. I was a freaking grad student for God's sake. But to them, having a clean apartment, nice clothes, and a car was huge. And knowing that how you got that was to go to some sort of schooling beyond high school and by not having a baby as a teenager was what really made the difference. It didn't have to be me, it wasn't about me, it could have been anyone.
The girl is now a college student with no kids. She's the only one in the family who hasn't had a baby as a teenager. The boy has had more trouble--even had a brief stint in jail--but is going to community college for some classes. I haven't seen them in person for about 10 years now, but we talk on the phone once a year.
I guess what I'm saying is--in an extremely long-winded way--is that while I'm all about personal responsibility, some of the basic things that you and I take as second nature are things that would never cross the minds of people who have never grown up with them. Never seen them, never experienced them. They need to be shown these things and understand the value it brings to their child and to them as a parent and what it means for their child's (or children's future).
Now there are tons of idiot parents out there who do know the right things to do and just don't do them because they are idiots. Most of them are middle-class and don't have the excuse of not having the resources. But I just wanted to bring attention to those who genuinely may not have a clue and given the right guidance, could really change the way they do things. I saw it as a preventive-services worker on a daily basis.