Day 22: Housewife or Hobo?

It is time to address the career factor, specifically, the fact that I do not have a career or even a clear path toward finding one. I never expected to find myself in this position. When I was in high school, although there was never one particular dream job, I did have interests in many areas and really thought I would end up working in some writing field, journalism especially. The degree path changed a little and instead of journalism, I got a degree in English Literature. Given my love of writing and my literary snobbery, this was a natural choice, but not exactly a hotbed of career opportunity. So, 19 years after high school graduation, I find myself no closer to actually knowing what I want to do with my life or how the hell I’m going to get there.

We didn’t have the money for me to go to college after high school and I knew it. Instead of asking my Mother to get further into debt to help send me to school, I took a second job and after a year started going to school part time whenever I could afford classes. Gone was the hope of attending a good school and instead I went to a local campus of Indiana University. Although my diploma says IU, and in the Hoosier state that’s a big deal, I know it was actually the commuter campus and not Smith or Columbia. Even so, in the long run where you got your degree really only matters in terms of impressing people with a name, it doesn’t mean you’re necessarily smarter or better. It does, however, make a difference when you first graduate and are looking for a job.

I’ve had a few close calls with a career. I worked at a financial magazine, as the sole editorial department. This would have been awesome except that the owner/boss was a crotchety 74 year-old named Al who alternately screamed at whoever was closest to him at the time or wanted to sit and chat good naturedly when he became bored. Al was a very interesting boss. He did business back in the day when a handshake and highball settled a deal. He chewed unlit cigars around the office and routinely changed his mind four or five times before settling on something. The decision thing would not have been so horrible if it weren’t for the fact that it required the work be done four or five different times, despite having a firm deadline. Al was kind of crazy and could be really vindictive. If you were more than five minutes late he would dock your check anywhere from $25 to $75. The labor board would send someone out every four months or so because of frequent employee complaints, but it never changed anything. I heard Al passed on a year or so ago. I’m sure he’s driving the devil crazy as we speak.

I followed that gig up with two years at a book publisher. I actually really wanted this job and was super excited, thinking that this would be my career path, but I hated it. I think my biggest problem, was that once again I was working for a crazy person. The troll I worked for, was pretty much unanimously hated, but she was my boss and I knew that after all the issues we’d had working together that I was never going to get promoted so I didn’t see that I had a choice except to leave. My decision to take a job as an Executive Assistant/Office Manager when I so clearly was over qualified and not looking to be a glorified Secretary was also helped by the fact that I rather enjoy being able to afford both food and rent. Publishing is considered a “glamour” profession. It’s a job everyone wants, so they know they can pay you somewhere near 37 cents a day.

For a while I made do by frequenting the pub across the street, which served free hot dogs and popcorn to bar patrons. I got in for free, usually drank for free (boobs are good for something), and ate bad bar wieners and stale popcorn. Sometimes I would sell CD’s and spring for $1.25 a slice pizza, but even with the variety I soon tired of never being able to afford anything. Manhattan is not a cheap place to live and surviving there on next to nothing isn’t as cool as the hipsters make it look. So I left job and took one in an office working a job I ended up liking and a paycheck that left me money for shoes. Then the Army came a calling and off we went. I haven’t had a job for more than a month in almost two years. I have looked, but what do you do, when you don’t know what you want to do?

Initially I was being picky, trying to find a career instead of just a job, but now I’m really just interested in something that will pay me actual money, the type of work is negotiable. Even so, there are not a lot of jobs out there. After so many months of being unemployed, I worry that I will have a difficult time punching a clock again. I’ve never been very good at living life according to someone else’s schedule, but the idea of going from having every day to myself to only having the weekends and a few hours in the evening is kind of freaking me out. I’ll get the work done, I just don’t need someone else to tell me what time to start doing it.

Am I unmotivated or just scared to find out I missed my chance? Sometimes I envy the stay at home Moms I know because at least they are doing something with their lives. I only have cats and myself to take care of and I kind of suck at both. The other day my daily diet consisted of a bag of peanut butter M&M’s, sushi, yogurt, and a couple of whiskeys. I don’t even remember if I fed the cats. I think not working is making my brain atrophy. My grammar is getting worse, my schedule is in the toilet, and I can’t seem to locate any item of clothing other than tank tops and sandals.

I think I’ve just missed my window to jump on the career track. I am too old to be a grunt, but cannot seem to find a job in which I am qualified for something more. I’d love to go back to school for my Master’s, but in what field. Can a degree make up for lack of experience when it comes time to apply for a job? What do you do with your life when you didn’t grow up wanting to be a doctor, astronaut, firefighter, or Mom? What I want more than anything is to be on a beach, on a Harley, on a vineyard tour, or on a best seller’s list. I want to be happy and fulfilled, but I’m not sure a job will do that. I’m not even sure anymore that I’m capable of working for someone else. My time of unemployment is drawing to a close. I’ve spent enough money, now I need to start making some. The pity party is over, time to get real, even if I don’t love it. So . . . anyone know of any good jobs? Marketing? Event planning? Writing? Baking? Reading Literature (note literature with a capital “L”) and drinking wine? Salary negotiable.