You ever build something up so much that it’s almost impossible for it to live up to the hype? I’m doing that now and I am helpless to stop. With less than six weeks to go before I am reunited with my husband after a year deployment and six months since his two-week leave, I am fantasizing about it on a daily basis. I work the whole thing out in my head. It’s like a role play only I’m playing both roles and imagining the setting. This is a bad habit I got myself into years ago and it’s just stuck with me. I will rework a potential scene in my head to try to squeeze out any possible surprises. That’s the real Achilles for me, I hate surprises, both good and bad.
By inventing and rehearsing dialogue in my head, it’s a way to control the possible outcome. I am a self-confessed control freak and surprises do not fit within that picture. Unfortunately, constantly playing out a scene that is still six weeks away can only do damage. It takes all the spontaneity away and creates an expectation that may not be possible to meet. I love Jeff, I miss him more than I ever dreamed possible and these last six weeks seem like an eternity. The closer we get to reunion, the further away it seems.
Our separation has been a difficult one and the months leading up to it were not exactly the best of our relationship. There is a lot riding on this homecoming, but how do you keep from trying to be too much? In a way, it’s like a first date: the nervousness, the complicated wardrobe choices (you want to look sexy, but not easy), the unrealistically high expectations. I want it to be magical; I want to somehow find a way to express all the love, longing, desire and happiness I feel for this man and I want to be able to do it in the first five minutes. There’s a good chance that with an overly ambitious plan like that, the only thing I will succeed in doing is disappointing myself and freaking him out.
There is something strange that happens to you when you are apart from your love for so long, all the comfortable ease that you’ve developed in a long-term relationship starts to go away. I am nervous about reuniting with my own husband. How often does that happen? In the end I guess it really doesn’t matter how many times I play it out in my head. Real life is organic and emotion will likely take over, nullifying all my careful planning. As for the rest, well, he knows I’m easy when it comes to him so I can dress as sexy as I want to.
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