I must have written ten blogs today. They ranged from self-pitying tomes to angry missives to heartfelt confessions. In the end, I decided to do something that does not come naturally to me, I am going to take a step back and wait. What am I waiting for, you ask? There are only complicated answers to that simple question. The overriding answer is that I am waiting to react. It has been a long day of unwanted surprises and physical setbacks. I am sick and suffering a running injury that makes me feel a lot like a Grandmother who broke her hip. It has not been a great day all around so before I react out of emotion, I’m going to take a deep breath and wait it out.
Very often, I react out of instinct and while heartfelt, it is not always smart and very often leaves out part of the overall picture. I am feeling very judged and perhaps that is my own fault, but it still does not feel good. At low points in our lives it is easy to hide or run and even to make excuses. Today, all of those options are tempting, but I started a journey for a reason and hard as it is to see it through at the moment I am forging forward. I have never been one of those people that took the easy path, although many times that is solely because I could not find the easy road to save my life. Things just don’t happen in a happy go lucky way for me, but that’s okay. I take my beatings and I move along.
Today has been hard mainly because it made me rethink who I am as a person and where I am going with my life. The conclusion I came to, is that I am fairly secure with the knowledge that I know who am I, but I am a little lost in knowing where I fit in the world. It is a lonely feeling and a bit oppressive to be honest. What good is it to find yourself emotionally, if you are lost in the world? This is a question I have struggled with my entire life. Even as a child I was just a little different. When the other girls played with dolls I wanted to climb trees. When the kids played on the playground, I read books. Popular kids in high school were partying and drinking and I thought they were idiots. I just never quite fit in with the established parameters of what it meant to be normal.
I learned early on to shun conformity because I didn’t know how to conform. Unfortunately sometimes in life it is helpful to go with the flow, but I guess since I didn’t know how to do that I chose instead to flaunt what a great swimmer I am to always be swimming upstream. I have a lot to write, but my emotions and thoughts are moving in ten different directions, so I will be patient and maybe just float downstream for a while. It’s times like this I envy some of my less emotional or deep friends. Maybe life really is more pleasant and easy to navigate when you stop asking questions, stop pushing the envelope. I’d like to say I’ll find out, but who am I kidding, I’ll never be one of the happy followers on the road to a normal life. I’m just built for the path less traveled.
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