Day 166: Are you Okay with Your Inner Whore?

You are a strong, independent, confident person. You know who you are and what your life is about. You never let anyone else’s opinion or judgments about you crack your exterior and cause self-doubt. Well . . . I mean, sometimes they might be right. You think you’re okay, but maybe you really are a whore, a bitch, an asshole, a loser, a user, an idiot, insert your personal adjective here. It seems that no matter how hard we work to build our self-esteem and ignore the nagging fears and doubts in the back of our mind, all that positive self-image building doesn’t always eliminate the negative.

I spend my life reassuring that inner voice that I’m living a good life, staying true to myself and that I’m okay with whatever might be said. Still, that nagging doubt lingers. When I was single it was a point of pride that I felt okay about sleeping around if that is what I wanted to do. I dated, flirted, kissed and bedded pretty much whomever I wanted if I felt like it. I did not feel like a slut, I felt sexually liberated. Mostly. I’m not a good drinker, I mean I really enjoy having a few cocktails, but my tolerance is low. I’ve never felt like I have a problem simply because I enjoy wine or whiskey and feel like it’s okay to talk about. Yet one night I overheard two businessmen who noticed my single malt talking about how “serious drinkers, even women, need stronger drinks.” So what, I’m an alcoholic because instead of 8 cheap beers, I splurged on one nice scotch?

Whatever your personal demon and insecurity, we all have them and we all spend time alternately obsessing over them and reassuring ourselves they aren’t true. I honestly believe what I tell myself, but what if I’m wrong? What if I am that loser, that idiot, that asshole? What if we never escape those self-doubts and demons? Can we live a happy life despite fearing our inner core? Are you a bad Mother? An ungrateful child? A cheater? A bad employee? I think there is a little of everything inside all of us. Perhaps the one quirk that we get judged for the most sticks in our brain and gets worked over and over until we allow ourselves to believe just a hint of it. Maybe the only real solution is to embrace our inner demons, our bitches and whores and drunks and learn to make friends with them instead of denying their existence. Maybe it is only through acknowledgement and acceptance that we can find real peace despite our flaws. So here’s to you promiscuous girl of my past, you showed me a good time and I’m okay with that.