They call us the unsung heroes. The spouses who stay at home, holding down the fort so to speak, while our military partners fight a war. Even before this last deployment I came face-to-face with the military’s need to praise those of us left behind. It seems like a nice gesture and I am certain that is how they intend it, but I am not a hero simply for choosing to love someone. I am a pacifist and not that comfortable with soldiers being called heroes given that they are not fighting for our freedom as in wars past, but I do recognize that they do a job I would never do and for that, they are at least noble. Please do not mistake the choices made in my personal life for a military sacrifice.
I ran into this unsung hero bit a couple of years ago. Whenever a soldier leaves a base or starts at a new one, they do what is called a “Hail and Farewell.” At these ceremonies the soldier is usually given a plaque and the spouse is expected to come to the front of the gathering with the soldier and is given either a rose or some other trinket honoring him or her as an “unsung hero.” I have always been offended by this practice and no matter how I explain it, the husband does not really get why I feel this way. A few days ago, my husband’s boss called me that once again and I feel maybe I should give my opposition one last shot.
I recognize that it is a sacrifice to be left on the sidelines while your spouse is sent off to war, training, etc. I am the first to admit that it is much more difficult than even I would expect it to be and yet, I do not need or want to be a hero for simply loving my husband. My decision to commit to a man in the military was my decision and it is very personal. Any sacrifice I make is a personal one, I am not sacrificing my personal happiness for the military institution. What happens in our marriage is private, not something to be bandied about by the military in some ceremony. I hate having to stand up in front of all those people and pretend that I deserve their appreciation in the form of a rose. I am not a hero, unsung or otherwise. I am a woman in love with my partner and that means sacrifice and compromise regardless of profession. That is what commitment is all about.
My intention is not to take away from any of the other spouses, but I feel like we take away from the soldiers and from our relationships in general when we present it like something we do for them. I did not marry Jeff for the Army and I do not want or need their thanks for something that had nothing to do with them. Thanking me, calling me a hero, lessens what we have by saying our relationship is a sacrifice for the benefit of the military. I knew he was in the Army when I married him and his service is not completely voluntary, he owes them a few more years in repayment for his graduate degree. The Army is his job, not mine, my job is to be as supportive and loving a wife as I can manage and if anyone is going to thank me for that, it should be him, because he’s the one I’m doing it for. I am not a hero and I don’t want the Army to involve itself in my marriage. I don’t need their approval and I don’t want it.
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