Day 180: No one is Rotten to the Core, We're Just Different

Have you ever found yourself in a disagreement with someone, both of you emphatically attempting to get your point across, before suddenly realizing that the problem is that you're not even arguing about the same thing? I am not a person that shies away from confrontation, but I have learned that unless you actually agree on a basic premise, no amount of discussion will ever result in resolution or even an agreement to disagree. I think this is why it is so difficult when you disagree over some fundamental issue with someone you care about. You cannot simply walk away from a loved one regardless of how vehemently you disagree, that is unless you are prepared to say goodbye to that person.

There are certain things that are best left unsaid in order to keep the peace. You do not tell a dear friend that you dislike his or her spouse nor do you get into a heated political or religious debate if you cannot keep from taking it personally. What about disagreements with your spouse? Is it possible to talk about a subject on which you are diametrically opposed? I'm not talking about being on opposite sides, I mean in a circumstance in which you understand an issue in a different way. Take for instance vegetarianism. I have been a vegetarian in the past and even cut out all dairy for a while. At the same time I still wore leather shoes and even have a leather jacket or two in my closet. My position was based on health, not animal activism. Debating going vegetarian does not work when you pit a health-conscious veggie against an anti-animal cruelty veggie. At the core they are two different issues.

Interpersonal relationships are very often a game of navigating choppy waters. There are a hundred little bumps and surprises that can throw you off course early on, but once the commitment deepens most of these dissipate. What is left are the core issues and values we all hold most dear. If they do not match up usually one of two things happen: we ignore them or we walk away. Ignoring them might work for a while, but things have a way of rearing their heads when you least expect it. Surviving the realization that your core values are different does not have a high success rate and it is impossible without the ability to maintain respect. In life, respect is always key, but so often we allow ourselves to veer away from that when it comes to love. Why do we feel free to say horrifically hurtful things to family members and spouses, but we maintain respect for friends or casual acquaintances? Maybe because we believe that love equals automatic forgiveness, but that is a slippery slope of its own because there is only so much we will forgive.

The more life I live, the more I am surprised to discover similarities in people with whom I was not close and fundamental differences with those I deem loved ones. Some will not survive and that is sad, but some will deepen and come to a new level of closeness and understanding forged through mutual respect. The question remains, however, if you can ever overcome that basic mismatch of core values and build a bridge of understanding, respect, and yes, probably even a bit of willful ignorance. Because unless you are willing to do that there is a good chance the relationship will not grow and that is just a waste. I count myself one of the lucky few to be surrounded with people that I love and trust enough to know that our differences can be overcome, but that has not always been the case. What am I thankful for? I guess the ability to recognize not just core values of people, but to know that those I love and who love me are at their core, valuable people.