Day 228: Etiquette is Not the Same as Sincerity

Etiquette is a tradition some would call a lost art. Like most people, I appreciate a hand written note of thanks or proper attire for an evening out, but I also find that etiquette is often just an artifice that people hide behind. To me, sincerity is far more important than Emily Post. Etiquette follows an obligatory model of behavior and there are few things I dislike more than people who do things for me out of obligation.

In many ways we use a formalized code of behavior to help us know what is correct or improper in certain situations. Anyone that has ever enjoyed a meal at a sidewalk café only to be approached by a homeless person for money, knows the exasperation at the perceived breach of protocol. “How dare he come up to us while we’re eating, that is so rude,” you might think. I know I have thought it and I give money or buy food for anyone that approaches me, I’m a sucker like that. Still, my initial reaction is to be annoyed, but if you’re homeless and resorting to begging on the streets is etiquette really your number one concern?

Is it perhaps possible that without the artificial guidelines to proper behavior we might fare better because we’d know where we stand? Would you prefer to not receive a thank you note at all than to get a typed one? What about holiday cards that are pre-imprinted with the family name and mailing labels? Thanks for the card, but it would mean more if you actually spent five seconds to sign it yourself. Etiquette is good to prevent unknowingly slighting someone, but it’s not exactly genuine or heartfelt.

We worry so much about what is right, wrong, should, shouldn’t, etc. that we miss out on the most important thing: what we feel. It’s okay to be a little irritated when someone is hitting you up for change during your meal, but not if you use it to judge the other person. Not everyone subscribes to the same code of conduct and I’m guessing the homeless are probably a little less concerned with that aspect of their behavior. Likewise, send me a holiday card or not, it’s not going to make or break our friendship, but if you do send one at least let me know you put some real thought into it.

Etiquette is responsible for simple, intimate wedding ceremonies suddenly ballooning to hundreds of guests. I mean if Aunt Harriet’s second cousin invited you to hers, then you have to return the favor, right? Do what you feel not what you think you are supposed to. Maybe the world won’t be quite as perfect, but your house might look more like a home with some personal touches, your friendships slightly more genuine with actual sharing and life itself just a bit more pleasant. Etiquette is fine for some things, but it’s not a guide to living for that you need emotion, kindness and effort.