Day 300: I Know I Didn't Know it All

I wish I were as smart in school as I am now. I’m not really talking actual academic performance as it’s more likely after being out of school so long that I was more book smart then. No, what I am referring to is the ability to problem solve and to think more critically. Back then, if the answer weren’t obvious or in the book, I didn’t look for it. There were so many things I did not know about the world. Turns out, I was not as deep of a thinker as I am now, despite believing that I was. The person I believed myself to be just wasn’t backed up by my actions.

I can’t say I actually regret anything, because if I did and could change something, it might change who I am now. It’s an interesting thought though, this idea of who we’d be now if we were different then. My insecurities and fears held me back when I was young. My fear of failing kept me from pursuing my dreams and is something I conscientiously work against even now. Rather than taking a chance and failing, I learned not to take chances. I stuck with what I was good at and that mentality kept me from growing.

It’s taken a lot to get to where I am now. Sure, I’m still a work in progress, but no more than the next person. The difference, is that I’m aware of it. I never used to be afraid of anything, and I realize now that the reason why, was because I didn’t take the kind of risks that could lead to failure. As an adult I’ve taken a lot of risks and periodically I feel as if I’m hanging by a thread, but it’s a good feeling too because I know I’m trying. I am giving my life all I’ve got and I would rather fail than not try at all. There are still plenty of things I don’t know, but these days I search harder for the answers and I seek help when I can’t do it on my own. This is my definition of growth and I think I’m making progress. If only I could erase a few doozies from those high school days. Ugh.