Relationships: marriage, biological clocks, compromise, communication, and ultimatums. At one point or another, we’ve all been in a relationship in which one of the above things managed to cause problems. Women get panicky about setting dates and having babies, men don’t want to communicate or compromise, and both might eventually find themselves issuing an ultimatum. What is it about people and love that seems to provoke anxiety? If we could all just take it down a notch and chill, we’d probably find not just what we want, but what we need.
I used to be anxious about the timeline for having children. When I met Jeff I was 32 and thinking I wanted five, or possibly three, but definitely an odd number and definitely more than one. A couple years in I started talking about going off the pill and letting nature take its course. When Jeff told me he is sterile I felt tremendous anxiety. I always assumed I would have children and could see myself as a Mother. The funny thing was, I could never see myself as a Mom “now.” I still don’t feel like I’m ready and finding out that it’s not a possibility freed me to stop worrying and setting timelines and just enjoy what I have. I actually found out that what I thought I wanted wasn’t really me after all.
There are times in every committed relationship that you’ll find yourself needing to compromise. Often, you won’t want to and you may still think you’re right, but keeping the peace and letting go of the little things is key to the ultimate success of any committed relationship. The mistake we sometimes make, however, is in compromising when we shouldn’t. There are some big issues out there and a compromise that leads to fundamentally changing who you are or what you want should be a warning bell that this relationship’s not for you.
Ultimatums are never good. Well, there’s the “If you don’t start putting your dishes in the dishwasher I’ll start putting locks on the cabinets” type of ultimatum of which, I am a big fan. But the types that demand certain commitments or behaviors really just mean that maybe you’re not getting what you need from this person and it’s time for a serious overhaul or the heave-ho.
Whatever, your particular relationship woe is or was, communication is sure to be at the heart of it and yet we don’t always even understand what that means. It’s not just about talking. Hell I talk all day, but sometimes fail to communicate even a single, salient point. You could be over sharing; talking and talking, but never stopping to realize the other person just isn’t really saying all that much. Perhaps you’re just not listening and communication is absolutely as much about the listening as the talking.
Rather than constantly trying to match our family or neighbors, we need to find out who we are and what we need and let that be our guide and goal. I thought I’d stay unmarried forever and have five kids, turns out I got hitched in Vegas and will not be popping out any babies. Best part is, this is not what I wanted, but it is what WORKS. You cannot fit a square peg in a round role any more than you can change what you need to be happy and sometimes we need to admit to ourselves when what we have doesn’t work for us. It doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed, but it’s possible that the solution we seek is not the one that will work. Taking the time to trust ourselves and to really listen and feel what we need will eventually lead you down the path you need to be on, but if you try to force it and let your anxiety rule, you’re cheating yourself.
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