Day 323: Maybe We're Better Off With What We Don't Remember

There are so many examples out there of people who are smarter, stronger, thinner, taller, prettier, wealthier, happier, and any other superlative you can think of. It is so easy to get down on ourselves after looking at everyone we perceive to be better, that sometimes it feels like the only way to build ourselves up is by knocking someone else down. To be truly confident and happy as a person, however, I know there are no shortcuts. The path to inner happiness is to find that self-esteem within myself and not in other people. I was reminded of this today when emailing with an old school chum who I remember having a really tough time of it, but here’s the thing, he doesn’t. He has blocked out much of those years.

I’m as guilty, if not more so, of using sarcasm to poke fun at people from time to time. In my defense, I will say that rarely have I ever done so in a mean-spirited fashion. I have been the persecuted. We were poor and I wore hand-me-downs most of my childhood and adolescence. I didn’t drink or smoke and I wasn’t excited about parties with alcohol-laced kool-aid bought by the dropout who was still trying to relive his glory days by providing booze for high schoolers. Kids were cruel and I definitely got my share of it. So what’s my excuse now?

I am a grown woman and yet many of the issues I have are leftover from those days of feeling inadequate. Can we ever truly embrace ourselves without forgetting a little of what we didn’t like? The mean kids in fourth grade that picked on us or the prom date that never materialized haunt us long into adulthood – unless we learn to bury it. For me, it’s always been a crutch. I am an insecure woman in many ways, but for a long time I blamed all the hardships and unfairness of youth for my lasting issues.

But the truth is, I got over most of that shit long ago, these days I’m just looking to everyone else’s flaws to highlight my successes. I don’t have to get fit as long as others are less healthy than me, etc. It’s an ugly way to live and I’m hoping that as I struggle to improve my physical appearance and health, that my emotional health will improve as well. I actually am happy for others when they get a promotion or take a great vacation. I want to let all those parents know that I am proud of them for raising four kids or dealing with a spouse’s illness. We all have hardships and I am continually in awe of the grace with which people handle them. It is that ability to dig down deep and find a way to make a life for ourselves that determine our true self-worth. So what if we have to forget a little to get over it, what counts is how we turn out and not all memories are keepers anyway.