Honesty is rarely truly honest. In fact, the absolute truth may seem like the easiest thing in the world, but it happens less often we acknowledge. Dozens of times a day we are given the opportunity to be honest and yet very often, that is not what happens. A friend may ask an opinion or confide a secret and your response might be based less on truth and more on kindness. We tell people what they want or need to hear and that isn’t always the same as our real feelings. What about if the truth will hurt someone you care about more than a lie? Or if that lie actually helps you in some way, even though it is hurtful to another? Do you still lie? Do you still cover the truth?
Best friends have a responsibility to be supportive to one another, but this might occasionally clash with what you actually believe. What if she is acting stupidly and you see the disaster coming? Can you tell her? Do you owe the truth or a shoulder? The same is true for your children. When they ask you if you have ever smoked or done drugs your answer may not be as easy as the truth, because sometimes the truth can cause more damage than a lie. In a society that tells us repeatedly that the truth is king it can be difficult to acknowledge that sometimes a lie is necessary.
Hurting the people you love through betrayal is an ethical breach. We are supposed to protect and honor the people we love in life. Respect and honesty go hand in hand, but just knowing this does not mean you will always be able to walk on the side of what is right. Mostly we commit a series of little lies. We sneak Bailey’s into our coffee, substitute decaf for regular, fat free for full, get out of a party with an excuse, etc. In these situations we are not lying to hurt someone. Perhaps our spouse needs to cut back on caffeine or to watch his cholesterol. Maybe you’re just not up to another party filled with happy couples when you are still single or your partner is away. Kids ask a hundred questions a day and many of them require delicate manipulations of the truth rather than the sting of reality.
My husband is halfway around the world fighting a war he neither started nor wants to be part of, but he believes in what he is doing. I am a pacifist, I not only hate war, I do not believe in the Armed Forces. After three moves in 16 months and six months gone in a year-long deployment I am faced with the decision to lie more often than I would like. Would he rather hear that I was out last night partying with friends or should I say I spent a quiet night home with a book? When an ex-boyfriend emails me out of the blue or wants to be friends on Facebook do I own up to not only the contact, but to the nature of the past relationship as well? How far do you go to protect the ones you love? Should I tell him that I spent an entire weekend crying or feeling sorry for myself because I am once again in an unfamiliar city trying to make friends and a life while missing him and our old life together? For that matter, does he tell me about the soldier who was decapitated by a rocket propelled grenade or watching as the guy beside him gets blown to bits? Do we really need to hear the truth? Do we actually even want to?
In a perfect world we would never do anything to hurt another and the truth wouldn’t cause hurt feelings. I don’t always make the best or smartest decisions and I have hurt many people in my life. What I can say, is that I did not lie to cause pain to those I love. If I lied, it was not a willful action to hurt someone close to me, it was less about them and more about me. While it’s true that we all have a responsibility to protect those we love, we also have an obligation to be happy and to true to ourselves. Once we start acting in the best interest of others at the expense of our own happiness and well-being we run the risk of causing even more damage. Do you want your parents to be happy and fulfilled in life even if that means they separate, or do you want them to stay together no matter what? We all did things as children and teenagers that our parents were better off not knowing. We survived and spared them the agonizing worry. As adults, sometimes we need to make that same decision even if morality teaches that a lie is wrong. The difference, is that now we are old enough to feel the hurt that a lie can cause. I may lie to protect you, but it still hurts me.
The best any of us can do is to try. Try to live an authentic life. I am this person and while there are days when I’m not entirely sure who that is, underneath it all I am the same at my core now as when I was a child. I make mistakes and I accept them as part of the flawed woman I am. Accountability is more important to me than never taking a chance in the first place. Each decision I make in life, each choice, no matter if it is good or bad, is my choice and I live with that. Regret is easy; people rationalize their mistakes and bad choices by having regret later. Regret will not unring a bell. A lie can be a kindness to help a friend, a gentle omission to protect a child, or a decision much more complicated.
For me, when you look at the facts I try to be an honest person and I do not like lying. The truth, however, may not always be the best path. That is a hard lesson to learn. Life would be so much easier if we could tell the truth always to everyone without worrying that we might hurt their feelings or cause pain. Sometimes those pants really do make your ass look fat and sometimes your happiness is worth a lie.
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