Tonight I went for a drive. This is not an unusual activity for me as I love to drive, taking off in my car for hours at a time with no prior idea of where I will end up. Driving during the day is my favorite and it puts me in a good mood most of the time. The sun is shining, the top is down, and it’s nothing but open road and me. There is something so freeing in the speed and the wind whipping your hair back. Loud music, high rates of speed, weaving in and out of slower cars, I love it all and it never fails to help me reconnect with myself. Night driving is a different animal altogether and it wasn’t until this evening when I realized just what that difference is. At night, whatever emotions you felt during the day drop like a mask and the essence of your feelings reveal themselves.
At night, driving allows me to disappear. No one can see me or at least not my face. Whatever mood I’m in is mine alone. In a way, driving at night centers me. I play whatever music might suit my mood and I let myself get lost in the road. It’s not that I’m unhappy, although previous blogs have made it clear that I’m not exactly filled with sunshine, it’s just that driving is the one time when life cannot distract you. At home, although you may be alone, the chances are you’re busy. You’re folding laundry, cooking dinner, reading, or even watching TV. Despite physically being alone, you are distracted and your mind and emotions are otherwise engaged. Driving is an easy way to clear your thoughts. You can drive attentively without having to think too much about it, because after so many years it’s more of a reflex. My mind begins to wander and like the drive itself, I usually don’t know where I’m heading until I’m already there.
Many nights I am surprised to realize I am sad, or missing my Mother, or remembering happy times with the husband, or bad times with any number of other people. It’s kind of like dreaming. They say dreams are your brain’s way of working out things from your conscious life. For me, driving is the same. It’s not something I do consciously, but before I know it, my mind is going to whatever has been weighing on me the most. The beauty of driving at night is that be they smiles or tears, they belong solely to you. You can be selfish on the road. There is no need to explain your mood to anyone. Should a driver in the next lane happen to catch a glimpse of your expression, within seconds they are out of your life forever.
On the road, there are no children, no spouses, no bosses, no strangers. It’s just you and whatever your heart feels. In a way, it’s kind of like an emotional vacation, in that you don’t need to process or examine or direct, the emotions just come, purging themselves so that you can focus later on what truly matters to you.
The emotions you feel do not need to make sense, because when you leave the road and pull your car back into the driveway, you are you again. Out there, however, you are free to think about what it might have been like if things were different. If you had gone the career route instead of the mommy route, if you’d married Mike instead of Steve, been more than just a casual lesbian. The thoughts you cannot allow yourself to have in real life are born in the darkness. There are no guarded expressions, no awareness of posture or body language, there is just you and the freedom you cannot allow yourself during the day. No one will hear you laughing out loud or realize you have been crying. No evidence, no witnesses, no implications – and when you look to the sky, you can either be a part of the blackness or standing out against it.
This probably does not make much sense. It’s more a feeling I have and I’m not putting in the required analysis to make it clear in my writing. I guess though, that’s really the point, sometimes things do not have to make sense to still feel them. They are valid all on their own. You may not want me to feel certain things, but it doesn’t make it go away. I love, I hurt, I yearn, I remember, I laugh, I dread, I feel. Then I come home and I do the dishes, fold the laundry, read a book and watch some TV. It’s not a lie, it’s not even a mask, it’s just the person I am in the world versus the raw emotions underneath. Life is a choice, happiness is a choice, but your emotions do not ask to be, they simply are. Where we make the choice, is in how we express them and in the darkness on the road at 80 mph you can let them out and watch as they disappear behind you.
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