Day 19: The Wrath of Ame

Okay, so I'm a little behind today, but I still want to honor my commitment to myself. Still, it's after 3am and I am pathetically sober after being out all night. The only thing I really have to show for it are sore feet because my shoes were fabulous (so you know my feet are going to suffer). Seriously, why can't they make hot shoes that are also comfy? It's a clear sign that men are doing most of the clothing and shoe designing. Anyway, I'm off track. Tonight's blog is going to be short, but in the original vein of 365 Days of Ame it is going to reveal a truth about myself. Before I get into, however, I need to clearly and definitively state that I am NOT threatening anyone's life or wishing any person to come to physical harm. Nothing I state here should be interpreted as a literal threat.

That said, I want to kill my Stepfather. My Mother has been dead the past nine years so really, he's not even my Stepfather anymore, but we'll just call him that for argument's sake. This man came into my life when I was just eight years old and he ruined my childhood. I was never happy after that and he made it a point to constantly go behind my Mother's back to fight with my brother and I. For a long time after my Mother died, I fantasized about killing him. Well, I fantasized about that long before that day, but it helped it along after Mom was gone.

I have never met a more miserable person who cared less for others or did less for humanity. This man is a truly horrible person and even his own family seemed to distance themselves. This of course is just my opinion, lest the libel police are reading this. All I know, is that a part of me died when he came into our lives and the same is true for my brother and my Mother. This man appeared to us to be a truly selfish and manipulative person. I have never truly hated anyone other than a boy named Austin (and that has long since faded), but I hate this man and if he lay down in front of me suffering from a heart attack, the only action I would take would be to move the phone out of his reach.

It is a strange sensation to know that you could, in fact, watch another person die and do nothing to help, yet, I do not feel like a monster. He ruined three lives in the time I knew him, it's only right that at some point he should be made to suffer. If I had an alibi, this blog might be heading in a very different direction, albeit a more satisfying one. There really isn't a lesson in this blog. I am just admitting my intense hatred for another human being. Still, let me be clear in saying that I do NOT wish him harm or intend this to be a threat.

The strangest thing is that I don't really even actively hate him at this point. I mean, sure, if you mention him to me I might be reminded of those feelings, but he has been out of my life for years. It's really more a feeling of justice. I do not believe he deserves to be alive and while I acknowledge that I have no right to make that determination, it does not change the facts. I no longer fantasize about being the one to end his miserable life, but on that rare occasion when he does come into my mind, it is not altogether unpleasant to think of my cold and uncaring eyes being the last he ever sees on this earth.

Life is funny. You live, you love, you laugh, but we really don't hate all that much. There are plenty of little skirmishes or adolescent vendettas, but true hate is so powerful that it rarely becomes a part of our day to day life. I'm not even sure I hate him anymore. I just know that I would be a lot more content if I knew he was no longer walking around. And yes, I may be doomed for saying it, but if ever I have an iron clad alibi, I know what path I will choose.