Day One - Addiction

I secretly want to be an addict. Alcohol or drugs, take your pick, either would work for me. I love the feeling of being high. Not out of your mind, hallucinating high, but that happy buzzed feeling when physical pain can't quite touch you and emotional pain takes on a certain poetic quality. I have all the necessary tools. I come from a long line of alcoholics, I am self-indulgent, self-destructive and emotionally damaged. You'd think addiction would be easy for me, but here's the thing, I suck at it. I am a lousy drunk whose only alternative to the mean belligerence of a drunken stupor is my eventual crumbling into self-pitying tears. Not to mention the fact that I get horrible, two-day hangovers that inevitably morph into a migraine, thus putting me out of commission far longer than a hangover should. There is also the issue of control. I am a control freak. It completely freaks me out when I am unable to discern what is real or to make my body move in the manner I would like it to. Perhaps I actually do need to move across the room in a straight line, this type of simple task should not be so formidable.

All that said, when you lay out all the consequences, you really come up with more positives than negatives. Then again, maybe it's all in how you spin it. So let's break it down.

Family/Friends: An addict frequently disappoints his/her family. There's no sense fighting it, it's just going to happen. They steal, lie, and embarrass those close to them. Dependability is a factor as the addict rarely comes through when needed. Also, inappropriate behavior is practically the hallmark of an addict. If you are having a polite conversation at a party, you can pretty well bet said addict is about to blow that all to hell. Then again, an addict doesn't have to give in to obligations. People close to you tend to expect decorum, or at least civil behavior. They will also expect consideration, courteousness and all out concern for what is happening in their life. When you're an addict you don't have to worry if you'll show the proper level of care and concern. You don't need to worry if your response will be on topic, and should you decide to reveal an uncomfortably personal truth about yourself, you won't remember it enough to be embarrassed once sober. Basically, you can't let the people you love down when no one counts on you to begin with. It's kind of brilliant, really.

Employment: In real life, we are all expected to hold down full-time jobs or to be a full-time parent so that we are living a purposeful and useful life. Newsflash, no one expects a drunk to keep a steady job. So what, you've been late to work 47 times in the last four months, it's par for the course, you're an ADDICT. So what if you sit around in your flannel pants all day eating cookie dough and drinking wine from the bottle, you can still return email and voicemail from home. More importantly, when you do get fired you will inevitably get another job because you have a DISEASE and people will feel sorry for you. People want to believe you are trying to get clean and "helping" you find another job will make them feel better about themselves. I'm sober and have sent out approximately 387 resumes to no avail. I'll tell you this, not a damn person I know feels sorry for my non-addicted ass.

Food/Weight: It's true that the casual drunk or pot-smoker gets the munchies. I have fallen victim all too often to the late night Taco Bell drive-thru after a few hours at the bar. So while you may gain a few pounds due to under the influence snacking, a true addict has a completely different eating habit. Drinkers eat less. They may develop beer bellies, but on average, they drink past their hunger and fill that void with libations instead of Bic Macs. Female alcoholics in particular prefer hard liquor such as vodka, thus keeping their calorie count low. Drug addicts on the other hand experience the most positive weight-loss side effects in that many harder drugs actually speed up your body, helping to maintain lower body fat. Coke or meth-heads also experience increased energy so that completing the necessary tasks on their daily list is less troublesome. I swear, if it weren't for the nasty black teeth, I'd be a meth-head in a second! Skinny, energetic and a relatively cheap high, it's not the worst way to live.

Moods: Sudden mood swings are to be expected from the addict. No one judges you for it or tells you to "smile." I've never heard someone ask an addict if she has a case of the "Mondays." You just get to have your moods, when you have them and everyone around you has to suck it up and deal. I love that part. I also love that you can sit at a bar by yourself drinking whiskey and feeling sorry for yourself without it being the worst thing ever. Sometimes you just get depressed. So what? It happens to all of us, but an addict escapes the questions, the looks of concern, the attempts to cheer you up. Can't a person just be a little blue? Conversely, if you are inappropriately happy people will let you. Sometimes you just don't feel depressed enough to go to a funeral or sit through church services. I still haven't seen "Schindler's List" because I've yet to be so distraught that viewing it wouldn't completely ruin my mood. Maybe I just want to be happy and bounce around for a while. Sue me!

Addiction frees you to be you. No one judges or second guesses your behavior. Moodiness, weight loss, failure to succumb to social obligations are all excused. And you get to switch careers to boot. If only I could learn to hold my liquor and accept poor dental hygiene . . .