I'm a shitty friend, but I always thought I was a good friend. I'm loyal, honest, and a good listener . . . or so I thought. The reality, is that I have a one strike and you're out policy. Betray me or fail to be there when I need you just one time and I'll cut and run. And while I am loyal, it tends to end or at least temporarily be on hold if my own selfish needs get in the way. It has taken me years to realize this about myself, or maybe it has taken years me to evolve into a shitty friend, but either way, shitty I am.
Over the years I have always had one or two best friends and a group of people with whom I was friendly. I never liked the idea of having too large a group of friends and for the most part this system worked for me, that is until I either pissed off or cut off one friend too many. Being alone is just lonely. There's nothing satisfying in finding yourself watching the Superbowl alone or cooking a huge dinner for one on Christmas day. I like to say that I am alone by choice, but really it's out of fear. I don't always feel like I fit in. I hate small talk and feel much more comfortable when issue-based topics are being discussed. At the same time, depending on the group of people I feel alternately uneducated or snobbish.
I had a best friend once that I'd known for years. I always felt her to be judgmental and superior which caused periodic rifts in our friendship, but we always recovered. At least until I betrayed her and pretended it had nothing to do with our friendship, but of course it did. You can't have it both ways. Either we are friends and I cherish your feelings or I don't. I was envious of her life and many of the things she'd been given which blinded me to how hard she actually worked to get where she was. I betrayed her by not being supportive and eventually she tired of it and cut me out of her life. There might be some truth to her being a bit judgmental, but the real problem was my bitterness and jealousy.
This same thing has played out several times in my life with both men and women. I don't want to admit I am wrong or that I don't know something so I act out or put up a defensive wall driving the other person away from me. The comfort I get from telling myself I am the injured party does not nearly make up for the heartbreak of losing a friend I once cherished. I am a flawed person. My fears and low self-esteem have forced me to keep a certain distance from people. I recently confessed a secret to a friend in a very offhand way. I had been keeping this from her not because it was so private, although it certainly was, but because I did not want her to judge me. What I failed to consider in all this, was that if we truly are friends she wouldn't judge me anyway because that's not what friends do. So if I cannot even grasp the basic principles of friendship, how can I hope to be a friend myself?
I'm going to start by being honest. I need to trust more and to listen better. The father of a friend once said, "it's hard to listen when your mouth is open." So maybe I'll stop talking for a while and see what I can learn. Maybe the key to being a better friend is in the not trying. You don't need to impress your friends, you just need to be there. I think I owe a few apologies too, I just hope some of my friends realize that my intent was not to hurt them, it was to hide my own hurt feelings. It seems difficult to make friends as an adult, so I am going to concentrate more on being a friend, on caring about someone else and maybe that will lead to people wanting to be a friend to me.
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