I’ve been meaning to write about my tendency towards procrastination, but kept putting it off. Why do we do it? We know things must get done and yet for many of us, waiting until the last minute is mode de rigueur. Putting things off is a lifetime habit for me. I don’t know where it came from, my Mother was always early for everything, be it paying bills, arriving for a meeting or knowing what she wanted in life. The Pops used to be late getting places, but he was certainly not a procrastinator. So where did I pick up this nasty little habit?
Putting off unpleasant things like cleaning, writing that 20 page paper or starting your diet are no brainers. Who wants to do things they dislike? In high school and college I knew I could write a paper without much prep so I would do the research ahead of time, then pull an all-nighter writing the paper. I would go from note cards to draft to final for a 20-page in a matter of hours. I tend to do the same with this blog. I always have a few half finished that I start and put away for another time, but usually you’ll find me working on it between the hours of 10pm and 3am. It’s not that the writing is hard, it’s just that sometimes stopping the rest of my life to sit down and focus is daunting. The work is easy, the settling into myself is the hard part.
What I find most amusing and interesting, however, is that I do not just put off the distasteful or difficult. Nope, I even delay pleasant things or necessities. When I was a child, I hated to pee before bedtime. My mother would sit me on the toilet and wouldn’t let me up until I went. This proved to be a good strategy for keeping me from wetting the bed, but a frustrating one when your opposition is as stubborn as I am. My mother, became more insistent over time and devised ways to combat my will. Tactics included drinking a glass of water in front of me, making me drink a glass of water, talking about the ocean, and the coup de grace, turning the faucet on to a slow trickle. Eventually, she won out, but some nights we had quite the battle going on and I still hold to the belief that the reason I currently suffer from restless leg syndrome (RLS) is due to nerve damage from sitting on the toilet for 30 minutes every night.
To this day, I hate to urinate. I try never to go in public restrooms and even dislike using other peoples’ facilities. At home I will sometimes delay and at work it was a constant, “I’ll just do this one thing first and then go” scenario. I have started to relent, but only because I read an article about how it can cause kidney damage to delay the inevitable. I’m not sure why I am loathe to do something so simple and necessary, or even if I actually do hate it. I think it’s more just a part of my lifelong procrastination.
There are other things, more pleasant things that I like to procrastinate. When I am eating I typically save my favorite part of the meal for last. This stupid little habit is responsible for a lifetime of overeating. Mothers everywhere would be proud because today I do, in fact, finish my vegetables. In fact I finish everything, making sure to end each meal on the best bite possible. So while I may enjoy the meal and end it on a satisfying note, I am also ending it bloated, overfed and hating myself for the extra calories. A sane person would eat the best parts first then walk away. Since we’ve already established my crazy, you understand why this is not possible.
One of my favorite methods of procrastination without guilt is to make lists. I’ve made hundreds of lists over the years. I will write down everything I need to do in a week, my cleaning schedule, what I plan to pack for a trip, my workout routine. I write these things in detail, spending as much time on the list as I might in actually accomplishing one of these goals. I have even written out a list of lists I need to make. Anything is better than actually tackling the tasks themselves. Am I lazy? Perhaps, but I think it’s more a fear that once accomplished, each deed will leave me feeling no less fulfilled than before. As long as I know I have things to do, I will always have something to do. Ame logic. You’ll get used to it.
There are topics for this blog I am putting off as well. Deep, dark secrets I know I will reveal, but am waiting for a better time. Maybe in a few months when you all know me better and will not be as shocked to discover just how far I can and have taken things in my life. I tell the husband pretty much everything, but I will delay it, until he starts guessing at whatever I might have done, spent, said, etc. I recognize my patterns and it does nothing to curtail them. I’m sure I will continue procrastinating until death takes me. I can only imagine how many things I will leave unfinished when that day comes.
Pops used to say that I would be late to my own funeral. I have no doubt of the truth of this statement except I don’t plan on having one. I’d like to go out in a fiery motorcycle crash or skydiving accident, something that suits the “world on fire” way that I live my life. When that time comes I’d like to be cremated and scattered somewhere. I’m not in any hurry though, that can all wait until another day.
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