Day 84: Screw the Aspirin, Get Me Some Acid

Today is my fifth day of this on again, off again headache that has now been steadily “on” for over 24 hours. The delirium is starting to set in and I find I have great difficulty focusing on any one task or thought for an extending period of time. Apparently my spelling skills are also being affected because I just counted eight misspells in the first two sentences (all will hopefully be edited before you read this).

My thoughts are jumping around, as is my emotional stability. I am alternately wanting to pull my furball of a cat closer in the bed to cuddle and make me feel better somehow, then fighting the urge to scream at her and fling her across the room for meowing loudly in my face. I have had many headaches in my life and it is in these times that I am closest to both a break-down and a revelation. It’s kind of like a drug trip (I assume), my normal abilities to process information and emotions are hindered so I am operating at a more basic, instinctual level. I want what I want and feel what I feel without filters.

Yesterday, for instance, the husband called when I had a headache and it was everything I could do not to scream at him. He is usually the one to get me fresh icepacks, to rub my shoulders, to make me tea. When he is not here, I feel abandoned and fully within my rights to be mean to him. Luckily the phone lines went down shortly into our call and when he called back I was subdued and just so grateful to have a partner who loved me that I was anxious to talk to him. No filter, just all base instinct.

When I get this far gone, I find I cannot lie to myself anymore. Certain things simply do not matter and others take on primary importance. What you hold true value in becomes more clear. It turns out that the gym is not a priority as I have not gone once in the five days since my head began to hurt, but my love of bad food has escalated and I have sought out mashed potatoes, a donut, a delightful peanut butter and chocolate concoction, Doritos, Diet Coke and cheese. Hmmm. I’m now wondering if my headache might be perpetuated by my recently poor diet. Nah. That’s ridiculous.

All I do know for sure is that I’m still hoping that at some point the pain will cause me to tear down my last remaining mental blockages and I will finally see and comprehend my true path to happiness. Although if it doesn’t happen soon I’d really rather just drop acid or something and move on from the everlasting headache. Mental and emotional understanding just aren’t as important to me as not wanting to lobotomize myself.